I finally got sucked into the Twilight book... Bella is so parallel to me it's incredible. I finished the book today and might have to start on the 2nd book tonight. It made me think about my current situations, and how my actions will play out for everyone else.


I just ordered a MacBook Pro laptop last night. Macs are so backwards, but much more suited for image and design files, and they are mechanically much more durable. I also caved and bought an iPod Nano - you can even get it engraved for free!! Also found that I get student discounts with Apple :) So merry xmas / happy birthday to me.


I'm not at all prepared for this coming week, but I suppose I brought it all on myself. I deserve every bit of it, at least I know that. I have 2 weeks of school left, then I get to have an early xmas with my brother and his family in Michigan. Joey always makes me light up; kids are so innocent and precious it almost makes you forget about anything else but love.


"Little by little,
You have to give it all in all your life."
-Oasis

The last 4 months have been filled with horrible things, and the culmination of it all is almost unbearable. But "this too, shall pass"... hopefully soon. At least it is finally snowing: cheers me up just enough.



"No reason nor rhyme,
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things.
I'm so much afraid--
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made."
-Jars of Clay

looking for redemption...

I registered for View Camera Techniques... that class will be quite interesting. My current photo class is going really well, I'm almost done with my semester project already, and I got 100% on my final exam!

Work is... going. I'm so busy all the time, but it seems I really do prioritize well. Things are getting interesting again. Interesting and horribly dramatic.

I know most of what I'm getting for xmas and my birthday, I can't wait! I won't get xmas off, but hopefully I can get some other days off to go spend it with my nephew. It's so crazy that he's walking already!!!



"You can stop 'caring' as you call it,
And I'll be fine right here.

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you,
I don't think I need you..."
-Jars of Clay

wonderwall

I finally got my dSLR camera in the mail, but am waiting for the macro lens. I do have the telephoto lens, but I don't want to haul that around when I first play with the camera. The camera is quite intimidating, since it's a "professional" camera and much bigger than a normal SLR body. Still need a tripod and the macro lens, and then I will have so much fun :)


I know it's crazy, but I'm getting up at 5:30am tomorrow to get out to Saukville just after sunrise to take pictures of trees for my semester project. I also have to collect a bunch of leaves, if I can find any, so I can photograph them in the studio. I got my studio still-life slides back, they turned out amazing! Still have to take 1 more roll, of my bridesmaid dress & shoes, and then 2 rolls of Studio portraits of a girl from class. Then I'm all caught up. I really think I may change my degree to photography... think I'll take View Camera Techniques next semester and that should seal the deal, or not. I feel like I'm finally pretty good at something.


"All of the stars have faded away;
Just try not to worry--
You'll see them someday."
-Oasis

I'm losing my tenacity... too much stuff is pent up in my head. I guess I'm not as resilient as I used to be. :(


I can barely keep it together some days; it's the culmination of it all. As always, I wait for a turnaround, but it's never close enough. God knows I need (and deserve) a little peace here and there. Can you find it for me please?


Tonight I realized I've put my faith in the one person that keeps letting me down (story of my life). Stop pretending you give a shit about me... I'm over it dude.



I was excited to actually go out for Halloween this year, but it seems no one wants me to come to their parties, and I don't know of anyone going to the bars. But it's okay, because after the last 2 days, I'm no longer in a party / people mood. I think I need a retreat by myself, somewhere peaceful in the heart of nature. I would love to go camping by myself somewhere like Elroy-Sparta, and just do my own thing. Especially since it seems I have no one left to depend on. Hope the rest of you get to enjoy Halloween...

sans swine

After being horribly sick (no Mal, it was NOT the swine flu!) for a few days (3 1/2 months, really), I FINALLY feel good. I missed school and work, and slept the entire day Wednesday. I came to work Thursday with a fever, chills/sweats, and still really shaky, and since Eli left I had to stay by myself which was bad. But I made it home and crashed until 2pm today and am good as new. :)


I found a great apartment I'm going to check out next week. I really really want this one, but it's still a distance from work. It's my compromise though for a great big awesome place. I just spent a ton of money this month though - I should probably stop that huh? All I need is a coffee table for my apartment, so at least I won't be spending anything once I move. I really can't wait.


It seems my life is finally calming down once again, but I know very soon it's about to blow upside down, and I just hope that I can handle what I know is coming. I swear everytime I try to get ahead or just get content in my life, something big pushes me back or pushes me down. And I never let anyone help me after that, so it takes me forever to get back to where I even started. I swear I don't know what I'm doing wrong in life, or who I pissed off so badly, because even I shouldn't have karma this bad. Right?

My laptop apparently has a bad hard drive. I restored it successfully, but I keep getting the error message every 15 minutes that my hard disk is bad. Thanks a lot DELL. I just bought a super expensive digital SLR camera last week: I got the telephoto lens, case, cable switch, and battery pack already. Now I'm just waiting for the actual camera and normal focal length lens. It's an incredible camera, and well worth the money. 21.1 megapixels baby!!! I can't wait to take pictures with it :)

We had to do some studio photography this week, I thought I'd hate it but I loved it. I just got my slides back tonight and they turned out so good!!! I have to take another roll of slides in the studio next week, so I'm still thinking of ideas for subject material.

I just sponsored a fruit bat, and the 2 baby tiger cubs at the Milwaukee zoo... what have you done today?? I also found some more apartments I'm hoping to look at next week. *fingers crossed*


This is the first weekend I've had off, and I truly enjoyed it. I still had some homework to work on, and had to label all the slide mounts of my studio photographs. But I've watched a bunch of episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and started a movie. And now I have a weird urge to bake some bread, mmmm There is always next weekend.

I got my Halloween costume all complete, do you? I can't wait!

sleepless in Wisconsin

Tuesday I got 2 hours of sleep, then went nonstop Wednesday between school and work from 8am till 3am. Wednesday night I got about 4 hours, so Thursday I was just horribly ditzy. I couldn't fall asleep till 5:30am Thurs night and was up at 10am Friday, and was doing errands and cleaning all day.

After 4 hrs of sleep last night, I was up at 9:30 taking Graphic & Abstract images straight until 6pm, when I finally stopped for hot chocolate. I got rained on 3 different times, almost blown over on my skateboard, then snowed on, AND sunburnt today! I managed to take 84 photos today - there was so much set up work with props and such. I have to take the last 8 pictures tomorrow I guess. I just hope they turned out okay!


Our next assignment is Studio Photography! I'm excited but extremely nervous. We get to pick whatever we want to bring for subject material and set up the lights however we want, so it's truly original creativity. I have a few ideas, but nothing exquisite or unique. I have to have all my props figured out and my pre-production photo list completed by Wednesday, and study for our test, and label all 109 slide mounts from the photos I'm taking now, and fill out 3 photo logs detailing the pictures I took...

I went to the doctor this morning, so my pain is much better already. I took a 3-hr nap today, I didn't realize how much I needed it until I woke up.

I wish that I could help a certain someone - take away his pain. I'm terribly worried about him. He's going through more than anyone should at this age, but I guess I'm in that same position too. Which is probably why we're so good for each other. Or are we?

Here's my "theme" song, one of probably 5 that I have. She's one of my favorite artists, and she's sort of my Amerian Idol. I wish I had her style, looks, voice, charisma, energy, and perseverance. Enjoy.

updations

I'm in lots of pain, literally and figuratively. Hopefully going to the doctor tomorrow because this is pretty bad...

I got my Halloween costume today! I can't wait for Halloween this year, it's going to be exciting.

Trying to tour some apartments this week, I just wish I had more time to find a place.

School is going great. I can already see a vast improvement in my photos, and the current assignment is very challenging, but also the kind that makes you find your own creative eye / style. So I'm looking forward to finding my very own creativeness.

Almost fell asleep at 9pm and now I'm wide awake again. Insomnia is almost like a part-time job LOL

wake me up when September ends...

October is going to be a good month, or at least it better be. I'm hopefully moving then, and for the 2nd time in 10 years - dressing up and going out for Halloween! I think I finally decided on a costume.

I have a new-found love of hiking. I take 74 photographs for class each week, so I try and go to different places. State parks are the best, or just walking all over downtown. Today I went to Lapham Peak State Park and hiked on the Ice Age trail, it was so pretty and it's great for soul-searching when you're by yourself with an mp3 player.



"I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now..."
-Oasis, "Wonderwall"

undulations

I'm doing really well in my PHOTO class, my professor loves my pictures. Which is impressive, because I've never taken a photo that wasn't completely auto-everything, and never knew how to take a "good" picture. It's a really good class.

My good friend, her husband, and daughter are coming tomorrow (today) to visit MKE for the weekend, I can't wait! I'm taking them to the zoo, the children's museum, and probably discovery world and around the lakefront.

The guy I like and I have both had a really rough month so far, but at least it's brought us closer. I just hate to see him so sad and defeated, knowing I can't save him from all this pain.



"It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last..."
-30 Seconds to Mars

"Too much of the same stories in our lives;
I think it's time for a change, don't you?"
-Trapt, "Stories"

to every season, turn turn turn

Things are starting to get quite interesting, but I promised myself I wouldn't get too optimistic yet.

I am happy in the allusion of things to come, and that is good enough for now. Especially after such awful weeks, and since Septembers haunt me. I need to break this cycle of bad karma that has followed me, and make a clean break toward happiness. Things could go back to how they've always been, but there is a sliver of evidence that things are finally beginning to turn...

"Can't believe that I feel
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming,
But I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall;
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold onto anything
This good enough..."
-Evanescence

Little by little

When you can't hold in your tears anymore, and the apathy starts to wear off - watch Legends of the Fall. It will make you cry it all out, and you won't really feel better after, but it's still quite the dispensation.

It's one of my favorite movies, but it's a downer movie. After my talks with Ryan about life and such, I needed to watch it. Now I'm in a depressing funk, but at least I finally got it all out of my system. The relief of it all will come tomorrow.


Today I walked all over the Botanical Gardens and then Whitnall Park itself. And then I walked 55 blocks around downtown! All for my Photography class. What an adventure that was after walking from 2nd St. up to 24th St., and then realizing I had to walk alllllll the way back. But I just kept going around after that. It's made me realize how much I miss being active; I miss playing sports, dancing, canoeing, riding my bike, rollerblading, and stress running. I think I'm going to start some of those again. I really want to go back on the Elroy-Sparta bike trail in the next year anyway, and haven't ridden my bike in 13 years, so I should probably start with that. We'll see how that goes...

feeling loved, for once in my life

Today I hung out with the one person who understands me better than I understand myself. It's been so long since we've been able to hang out, and it's been a bad few weeks, so this was really good.

Ryan loves me for who I am, not who I try to be around others. He laughs at my blonde moments and doesn't make me feel stupid afterward. He knows my good qualities, and tries to bring them out more often, and he tries to help me work on my other ones. He knows what my pet peeves are, and respects them well enough, yet is constantly pushing boundaries with me to help us both grow.

And he's still so sweet to me after all these years, that I wonder what I ever did to deserve it. Tonight he brought up (I can't believe he remembers this) our pact to get married at 30 if we're still single... it's funny because I always imagined we'd end up together, and days like today make me believe we will. But no matter what, he is my best friend and I love that boy to death.

vertical horizon

This year has been really hard on me, and I feel like I've been falling apart all year. Today was a mini-vacation, I'm up in Mauston for a friend's wedding reception, and staying overnight. Just sucks that I had a migraine when I got up here, and had to nap for about 3 hours to make it go away. But Jeanne was beautiful, and I finally met Gift!

I've spread myself so thin for so long, trying to please everybody. And now that I'm slowly trying to make myself happy, it doesn't feel right. I was thinking about that on the 150 mile drive up here, and that's probably how I got the migraine in the first place.

I'm so excited about tomorrow. My parents happen to be in the Dells this weekend which is super close to me, so when I check out of my hotel, I'm meeting them at the International Crane Foundation in Baraboo.

Then I'm coming back to Mauston to go to Roche-A-Cri State Park :) It looks super awesome, and I need some alone time to just hike and walk around in nature. I have to take a bunch of pictures for my Photography class outside anyway, so I just hope it doesn't rain again. After that, I'm going to Elroy to try and get some pictures of people (also for class), I love the bike trails out there. Then if the weather is okay I'm stopping at Aztalan Park by Lake Mills to take more pictures, and then coming back to Milwaukee. It should be a good day!


"By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes,
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry--
And there's something less about her...
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too,
And don't let her see.

And she says oooh
I can't take no more.
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down,
'Cause I can't help her now--
She's down in it;
She tried her best and now she can't win, it's
Hard to see them on the ground:
Her diamonds falling down.

She shuts out the night,
Tries to close her eyes.
If she can find daylight
She'll be all right
She'll be all right,
Just not tonight..."
-Rob Thomas, "Her Diamonds"

August 22nd

Happy 1st birthday to my nephew!!! Joey loved his birthday cake, isn't that obvious?!

busy bee

Things are getting a bit craaazzzzzy. My nephew's 1st bday is this weekend, so I have to figure out what he's getting for his bday and wrap the presents and stuff by Thursday. Also, school starts next week, so I need to start getting ready for that. And next weekend I'm going up by the dells for a friend's wedding reception / mini vacation. Can't wait!

Since I'm on vacation this weekend, I have to make sure my work is up to date so I don't get too far behind in my weekend off. And Eli picked a bad time to take a 10-day vacation! I'm doing all his work for him while he's gone, so it's been busy busy busy.

And in a few weeks my good friend and her family are coming to visit from Madison, so I can't wait to show them around downtown and take them to the zoo!

personality

I've realized recently how different my personality is depending on who I am with or who I am talking to. But deep down, I'm still mostly the same no matter what.

I finally succumbed to the Myers-Briggs personality test (the shortened version), and was amazed at how perfectly accurate this is.



I am... ENFJ (Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judgment)
You are warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. You are highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. You find potential in everyone, and want to help others fulfill their potential. You may act as a catalyst for individual and group growth. You are loyal, and are responsive to praise and criticism. You are sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership. Famous people with your same ENFJ personality include: Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Dick Van Dyke, Diane Sawyer, Peyton Manning, Pete Sampras, Johnny Depp, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.



"I'll stay with you.
The walls will fall before we do.
Take my hand now--
We'll run forever.
I can feel the storm inside you;
I'll stay with you..."
-Goo Goo Dolls

staying positive...

is not easy, but I am going to try anyway.

I had so much fun going out to a bar last night; in the last year I've had 2 glasses of wine, and that's it. I was always busy, on meds, or had no one to drink with, or just wasn't in the mood to drink. Alas, my tolerance is now really low which makes for cheap drunkenness :) I also forgot that I like to drunk text, it's fun remembering who you all texted later that night.

I have a better job and a perfect work schedule. A fun class that starts in 2 weeks, & a nephew who's just about 1 year old!!!! I can't wait to spend his 1st bday with him. Also, a good friend from college got married a year and a half ago to a guy from Africa, and for over a year he was unable to move to the states, so they spent their first married year on opposite ends of the world. A few months ago he finally came here to make a home with her, and now they're having a wedding reception the end of August. Which makes for an overnight vacation for me, in a really nice hotel room so I can actually relax and just get away from things. I'm really excited to finally meet Gift and to see them together. :)

Also, Meghan is probably the coolest friend ever... who else would have as crazy of guy problems as I do?! Seriously, we were meant to be friends, because no one else in the world would understand our boy issues. And Rebecca is just awesome, she's my concert buddy and says she'll learn to dance hip hop with me! And even though Josh is moving out of state, he's been one of my truest friends. And Phay is an amazing friend as well, she is so self-giving and caring, even to people she barely knows. It's really a rare characteristic. And the boys are genuine and on a constant mission to change my ways. It makes for interesting days. If only things would stay this good forever...

This sounds ridiculous, but my parents getting a Facebook acct has been horrible on me. And now someone else is being an asshole about the whole f'ing situation.

I went out drinking for the first time in about a year tonight, to see a good friend before he moves out of state. And of course that led to pointless bickering, like how dare I go out and have fun. I almost can't stand it anymore.

I must have been adopted because I swear my family is all one and the same, and then I'm clearly on the opposite end of the sprectrum, and none of them can figure out what is wrong with ME. Obviously, conformity has never been my thing. Befriending for the sake of befriending, not anymore. Letting my family in on my personal life via Facebook when I don't let them in on my personal life in person... think about that for a minute and you'll have your answer.

crazy week!

I'm glad tomorrow is my Friday; I've had a crazy bad week. Today I was in a great mood on the way to work, but everything went downhill fast. At least my team meeting went well. And Eli gave me a cool nickname today.

I can't believe that after all this time, only a few people really understand where I'm coming from. And recently, I found someone else who gets me. Really gets me. I can't tell you how good that feels, knowing I don't have to explain a thing to him. It's oddly uplifting.

I wish I could post this video, because it's one of the songs that describes me perfectly, but the embedding is disabled, so check it out anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LKUVkRAmPs

polaris

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I've been holding so much in, and this has been one of the worst weeks in years. I've been to more funerals than most have been to their whole life. I've known more people dying of cancer than anyone should bear to know. I've dealt with more fights than a lifetime should allow. I've faced a world that doesn't believe me, and doesn't believe in me. I'm so tired of it all.


"But you're killing everything in me;
I'm done, there's nothing left to show--
I try but can't let it go.
Are you happy where you're standing still?"
-Jimmy Eat World, "Polaris"

workie work work

The last 2 days have been very weird / stressful, but at least it provided amusement to Eli and Nate. Cody's life mission is to turn me into a new and improved person. And Eli and I are the coolest closers ever, listening to Wu Tang and 2Pac and the like! It's going to be interesting closing with these boys...

I like how people try and take advantage of me since I'm a brand new Supervisor (technically still training), but I've been there long enough to know all the rules / policies, and I know a lot more than these people think I do. I'm done being the super nice girl, and I'm done with people abusing my kindness. It's just time to move on.

It's crazy how busy work is now, because I have to figure out my team's schedules, plan team meetings, figure out what I want to talk about in those meetings, and set up all my stuff in the computer once I get a team. On the bright side, I now have time for a social life. Which, as the boys have pointed out, I really need. There will be drinking and drunken ballet soon!

So I wait till I hit the ground harder...

Things are slowly getting better. I got a promotion, and my parents are finally ok with it. Eli said I'm awesome, which I think I needed to hear from somebody. And I've been spending more time with friends finally.

I see my nephew in a month for his 1st birthday!!! And one of my best friends from Madison might visit me in September. I just saw one of my good friend's new daughter, she's so cute! Also, went to the zoo with my dad today and took 3 rolls of film! I want to be a dental hygienist for animals. I want to be a marine biologist (yes - still), and I want to be something to somebody.


These are 2 of my favorite songs ever!

worst week ever

I've had lots of nightmares all week, waking up covered in sweat, afraid to fall back asleep; that always leads to a poor morning.

Also, mowing the lawn this afternoon I bumped into one of our pine trees which is infested with mites (a tree guy has been treating it but the mites are still there). Well once I was done w/the lawn, my back itched like crazy, I had horrible nail marks everywhere from scratching so hard, and took a really long shower to make sure they were gone. Now it's fine, but the marks are still there.

I got a vmail today from an insurance agent, because they are vastly incompetent. This is regarding a claim I filed in NOVEMBER from when a giant scrap metal thing flew out of a dump truck and directly onto my hood and windshield on the freeway. I got the dumptruck's license # and company name off the truck, so I called the insurance company and filed a police report (apparently they get mailed to the DMV). I got my $ to get the car fixed, but they have been repeatedly calling me for ?s ever since!

The lady I used to deal with was horribly stupid, and finally I got this other guy who I thought took care of everything once and for all, this January. NOPE! They still didn't get a copy of the police accident report - I've told them a million times to call the DMV since that's where it got mailed to, and I also have faxed them my copy of it FOUR TIMES! And they NEVER GOT IT!!! Explain that you stupid f'ing insurance agents! And you wonder why people avoid you! I've been plenty forthcoming w/info and details, etc, and extremely patient w/them, yet they go after the wrong truck company twice, "forget" what hit my car, and can't find a goddman police report when I keep handing it over to them and telling them where to inquire about it!!!!!


Then I had the worst problems at work today, which led to a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day there. Only 1 good thing happened today, but it was so drowned out that I almost don't care now.

This has been a crazy week, but it's over at last. I went on an Edelweiss boat tour today in Milwaukee, that was fun. Also went to Mader's german restaurant for the first time, and ordered the biggest soft pretzel I've ever seen.

I finally have internet that doesn't go out 1 to 3 times a day. And got my laptop also connected, which really just means I can be more lazy. I'm getting excited for school to start, because I'm taking fun classes.

I went to the zoo Wednesday night (Sunset Zoofari). It's the coolest thing ever! For once I was able to see more than 3 species in the nocturnal building, including an armadillo! Normally they are all sleeping in their boxes, so you can't even see the animals sleeping in the open. And the bats were really active too. :)

Now just waiting to hear back about something... fingers crossed!

I slept till 1pm, cleaned the house up, watched a movie, hung out with Phay and her son again, went bday shopping for my mom, came home and did 3 loads of laundry, played Rock Band, cleaned out my closet (2 garbage bags full!), cleaned up my room, dyed my hair, and watched a bunch of episodes of Arrested Development. Don't want to go to work tomorrow...

Speaking of, I have no clue where I'm going to park for work tomorrow. I looked up the Circus Parade route, and I don't even think I can park at school! So it will be an adventure. And my parents will be back before I get home from work, so tonight is really the end of my freedom. sigh.

me, myself, and i

I thoroughly enjoyed my day off, and mainly just having the house to myself for once. My arm is sore from Rock Band drums because I haven't played in so long, but I rocked out and that's enough for me.

Also, I am seriously addicted to one of Jack's Mannequin's songs, so I pretty much just danced to that on repeat for a long time. I couldn't find a good video, but I don't care.





I might go to the zoo tomorrow, but then again I might just play more Rock Band and dance like there's no tomorrow instead. I'm loving it.

dark blue

-I managed to get in 3 fights w/my mom today... fanfreakingtastic as always.

-Went to Walmart for 3 things, and instead bought lots of crap for $146

-Got some bad news today

-Almost set my hair on fire from my candles

-Bought 2 boxes of hair dye because my Id or my Ego or whatever is screaming for change (so much for leaving it alone!)

-Hung out with Phay today, her son is such a cutie

-Drove all the way to Grafton after, just to get away from everything

-Bought the new Jack's Mannequin CD (finally)

-And tomorrow, I am finally free for 2 days; space I have been craving for so long


"I'm keeping quiet till the phone stops ringing;
Lately it's hard to disconnect. I just want something real--
I've found the words if I could just stop thinking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice..."
-Jack's Mannequin, "Spinning"

Mis(s) Cellaneous

-Apartment hunting is not going so well, I'm too picky and everything good I've found has atrocious reviews.

-Job prospects are better, fingers crossed

-Finally get 2 days to myself this weekend, and you know what I'm gonna do? Dance like a crazy person to loud music for a long time, then play Rock Band, because I'm amazing on the drums. yep.

-Almost done with the last Harry Potter book! It's exciting, because 2 years ago was the first time I read the series, but I only got 83 pages into this last book.

-Planning a trip to Chicago soon with Danielle??

-Rebecca is the coolest friend ever, who else would want to learn how to dance hip hop with me?! And go to Summerfest when people ditch me!

summerfest!

My brother & his family have been here since Thursday. You don't get much sleep with a 10 month old in the house, but sleep is overrated. A random aside: I saw a guy eat 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes today for some eating contest!!! That's disgusting, yet somehow quite an accomplishment.

The Fray and Jack's Mannequin concert tonight was amazing! JM is always fantastic. I've never seen The Fray, but Isaac's voice is just as angelic live as it is on CD. And I'm a sucker for guys who play piano, which made both concerts even better :)



"Picture you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see.
Under your command,
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling--
Steady your hand;
You can never say never..."
-The Fray, "Never Say Never"


"This room's too small, it's only getting smaller--
I'm against the wall, I'm slowly getting taller here in Wonderland.
This guilt feels so familiar and I'm home..."
-Something Corporate, "Watch the Sky"

fire and water

It's amazing how much a smile can change your temperament. I've been on a downward spiral for roughly 2 years, and occasional upward moments seem to blind me of the full duration. This weekend, at least, was one of those great upward moments. My nephew really is the fire in my life, and it's hard that he lives about 350 miles away.



"She screams for more--
More than just some blue-eyed metaphor.
And the trouble is,
The trouble is she's always searching..."
-Thriving Ivory, "Hey Lady"

take me away...

I had a horrible panic attack yesterday, then actually woke up in the middle of the night from a vicious nightmare, and then had another panic attack on the way to work (thanks to a spider that took up residence in my car!!!) And now, am having yet another panic attack. If I can just get through tomorrow, I can finally rest. But it may not go so well...



"A dying scream makes no sound
Calling out to all that I've ever known
Here am I lost and found, calling out to all...

We live a dying dream
If you know what I mean,
And all that I've ever known--
It's all that I've ever known.

Catch the wheel that breaks the butterfly,
I cry the rain that fills the ocean wide,
I tried to talk with God to no avail:
I call him up in and out of nowhere--
Said if you won't save me please don't waste my time."
-Oasis, "Falling Down"

getting nowhere

I can't stop thinking about something great that almost happened 2 years ago, and just how drastically different my life would be now. It was the best, and the worst, year of my life. But the worst sort of took over, and I've been stalled ever since. And now it seems almost everyone has completely passed me by, and I don't think I even care anymore.



"Eager to please--
Trying to be what they need,
But I'm so very tired;
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires.

But if you keep real close,
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you.

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill,
Shut down to a whisper--
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me still?"
-A Fine Frenzy, "Whisper"

just breathe...

I feel... stuck. Like I need someone to pull me back up for air, so I can finally BREATHE. God knows I need it. Everytime I think I've made progress somewhere in my life, I find I've recessed in other aspects, so that I really am stuck in place. I'm used to dealing with most of it, but I'm really starting to tire.

Always thought I'd make a run for it as soon as I could, but what I realized I'm doing, well let's just say it's not what you ever want to go through. And all it's taught me to do is to turn away from good things, or to just run from them altogether. Doesn't do much good after awhile; in fact, it can do a lot of damage... and based on recent realizations, much has already been done.



"I've been watching, but the stars refuse to shine.
I've been searching, but I just don't see the signs.
I know that its out there;
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere."
-from Music & Lyrics

Happy Memorial Day!

Not that I enjoy holidays, but I digress...

I did enjoy parts of my day. I knew about the Wisc. Ave. parade, and apparently so did my parents, which caused a fight about how they "decided" they were driving me to work because of it. I was really mad, and how my mom thinks I'm going to get raped or killed if I walk even a block downtown. UGH.

Well, I ended up parking on Milwaukee and Clybourn, which is like 8 blocks (I used to park there when the parking validation was messed up). Well, that walk was peaceful, and then work was so dead I got a lot organized, and read 175 pages in a book. The walk back to my car was just as great, because they had lights lining the lake at Riverwalk and no one else was outside, but of course I had to book it to get home at a normal time, so I wouldn't have to deal with another fight. I really need to move out.

My car is finally fixed, the mice are now "taken care of" :( , my brother got 14 stitches in his leg, my nephew now has 2 teeth, my super sunburn is finally gone, my dad's labwork came back normal, I'm going to Madison in 1 1/2 weeks for my best friend's birthday, I'm going to MI in a month so see my nephew, I registered for classes, and finally got insurance through work.

And... I have a severe sinus infection. UGH. I had it for almost 2 weeks, and finally went to the doctor Monday. He put me on strong antibiotics and thank goodness they finally kicked in yesterday, because I literally couldn't even sleep for 2 days it was so bad.

And I'm dyeing (haha) to dye my hair again! I promised myself I was going to try and wait 6 months, but we all know I dye my hair usually every 2 to 3 months, and it's always a completely different color, or multi colored streaks. I think I'm gonna try and hold out a bit longer, but I want my hair brown again so bad. Even my roots are brownish now, no longer white blond. yay! We shall see how long I can hold off.

What a crazy week. I have a mouse and her baby living in my car, which led to a 4+ hour cleaning out of the entire car and lots of insulation damage. Unfortunately my dad won't settle for live traps, so I'm not very happy about the "real" traps in my car, but I don't want anymore damage, either.

I just got my car fixed for the wheel sensor, and it still has the same problem. I also had a vacuum cleaner that refused to stop running even with the power off. An expensive car flashlight (pretty new) that is suddenly completely busted, a now broken DVD player, a newly broken tire pressure gauge, a bad cold that came out of nowhere, and missing pancakes. I'm beginning to think I'm being haunted or something!

And now, I have a crazy urge that I want to buy a house!

It's interesting that the more impervious I tried to be, the less I really was. I feel so stupid for thinking I had a chance (story of my life). I found some essays from Creative Nonfiction, and it's cathartic to read I'm still exactly the same... with my parents, with my friends, with guys/relationships. So I should be used to this by now. And yet it's extremely disappointing...

if only...

I just found out that my brother and his wife are making a will. If something happens, the baby will go to Carrie's sister and her husband. If they don't want the baby, then Carrie's older brother and his wife get Joey.

The icing on the cake: I would be 2nd in line to take Joey... IF I WAS MARRIED. I would come before someone who drinks too much, IF I had a husband. In the end, whatever they want to do is fine, but I know that I would want him more than either of those couples! And, believe me, I would change my job / life around to incorporate Joey, and then there is always daycare. How many married couples work the same shift and need daycare anyway? So how is marriage a factor?

I do not appreciate surgical procedures and the pain that follows. Vicadin has been my friend this weekend, but I still wake up to some pain. It (the pain) leads to really interesting dreams though!


This weekend I got to see a dove sleeping on our deck, a mother dove feeding its baby, the baby holding out its wing and tipping sideways to let the rain wash its armpit, and then alternate wings (funniest thing ever). I also watched a starling routinely puff his whole body of feathers up, it appeared to be a sort of stretching technique. How often do you get to see birds doing things like that?!


"Baby, do you see me--
The way I see you?
The way I see you..."
-Bethany Dillon

Happy Earth Day!!!

When I went outside to leave for work, there was a dove sitting on my windshield! I didn't want to disturb it, but I was running late. So I walked towards it slowly, and then he just hopped up onto the hood. He was so cute, and then when I was really close to him, he flew into a tree. :)

I can prophesy in my sleep?! I dreamt of a centipede trying to get me, I woke up and THERE IT WAS! Seriously! ewww Also dreamt my brother showed up having run out of gas with his son in the car; not sure what that was supposed to represent.

I swear I saw 2 guys from my last job (Damon and Bear) on Michigan Ave today, one on my way to work, and one on the way home. I never see those guys anywhere.

I saved a worm from his near-death experience when I got home (pretty sure I'm the only person in the world who does stuff like that).

I really want another tattoo and a piercing, brown hair, an abalone ring, stimulus check, an apartment, and the ability to read minds.



"A smile fuels a steel inferno,
You don't have to die to leave my world;
Stand still and you've departed.
It seems I'm not on your mind and
I've been wasting my time--
I'm just a fool to believe.

In the death of the night
Can you feel me inside?
I wish that you could conceive:
Just a twist in time
And you could be mine..."

-Savage Garden, "Mine"

I would like to find the side where the grass is greener...

I was really pushing for a good year, since the last 2 were horrendous overall. But so far in 2009:

-An amazing person died (way before he should have)
-My grandma doesn't know who I am 9 times out of 10
-I've had a cold every month so far (ugh)
-I've had the flu twice (I never get the flu!)
-I've had 5 migraines, and tons of headaches
-I have nightmares 4 to 5 times a week
-I wake up about 5+ times a night, super restless
-I found out I did NOT get accepted into the Dental Hygiene program for Fall semester
-I put $10,000 into my IRA accounts... and lost almost all of it already (can we say RECESSION?!)
-I got my first speeding ticket (thanks MaCoupin County, IL!), on a road trip to MO (17mph over!)
-People keep stealing my food at work
-I realized my best friend is no longer my best friend
-Even when I go to the cemetery at night, there are people there... sucks when you just need to be alone
-Without health insurance, I had to get immunizations, booster shots, TB tests, and blood work
-Without dental insurance, I just had a filling come out! So that will be completely out of pocket grrrr

There's more, but those are the highlights. It seems like when I really strive to be positive, it all comes crashing down in my face. Can I please have some good luck now?!


"'Cause all of the stars have faded away--
Just try not to worry - you'll see them some day.
Take what you need and be on your way,
And stop crying your heart out..."
-Oasis

I'm finally in a good mood... thanks to the most amusing call at the end of the night. I spent so much time lying awake the last few weeks, that I realized I've come to think too much. And worry too much. So I just need to stop that. My dad had a nightmare last night that someone was trying to steal his pillow while he slept! I laughed so hard at that.

I finally feel, for once, ... accomplished:
-I finished the baby blanket for my good friend's new daughter.
-I figured out what (2) classes I really want to take next semester.
-I changed my schedule slightly so I can actually see friends.
-I'm playing a video game I'm actually good at.
-I'm reading a book fast, which is very rare.
-I impressed my mom w/my writing skills from 1998, today.
-I finished bday shopping for my dad.
-I have all my nephew's xmas and 1st bday presents made / bought, and almost all of my brother's and sis-in-laws bought already.

I've had a fever for 2 1/2 days, it's finally receding. My cold is going away. I'm slowly getting out of this funk I've been in for the last 7 months. And I'm going to the zoo this weekend!!! Maybe things will finally turn around for me a bit...

what is our world coming to?

I don't ever watch the news or read newspapers, because it's depressing. But thanks to RR and MSN, I do read some online news articles, and this is what I've discovered...


-A movie producer is now found guilty of murdering an actress some 6 years ago.

-Pirates stole a ship (where is Jack Sparrow?! And the rum???!!!)

-A guy stole a jet from an aviation school!

-North Korea just launched a missile for whatever reasons they claimed.

-Nick Adenhart, a baseball player on the Angels, died in a car accident.

-And Harry Kalas, a baseball announcer for the Phillies, died in the booth today - he's been announcing for them since 1971! He's also announced for Notre Dame, and some other baseball team for a few years. AND, he was the announcer for the infamous Puppy-Bowl! It's truly sad to see someone like that go, even though I've never heard of him before.



I hate to see our world so full of chaos, but if you've ever taken a chemistry course you know it's inevitable, expected even. I thought of Heath Ledger and Anna Nicole Smith dying, and then Mary Kate (or was it Ashley) who was super anorexic... what happened to peace, and just living? What happened to (the facade of) the American Dream??

Happy Easter!

I usually hate holidays, but I felt an odd peace today.


"Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah."

-Bethany Dillon, "Hallelujah"

There's so many things I want to spend money on right now, it's ridiculous. Namely:
-classes I don't need to take
-a new Zune
-a decent SLR 35mm camera
-Nintendo DS lite (buying tomorrow?)
-a good sewing machine

I want a sewing machine (hell must be frozen!) because I recently learned how to sew things, such as blankets & pillows. I've made 3 decorative pillows, 2 fabric baby books, and 2 no-sew blanket throws. I have 2 blankets to make tomorrow, as well as 2 no-sew blanket throws to make soon.


I don't sleep anymore... Sometimes I honestly don't know if I'm awake, and have to literally pinch my arm (I haven't been this bad in 2 years). This morning I dreamt that I was 9 months pregnant and in half-labor. The nurses made me walk to "help the baby move down" and then I was alone in a room pacing, freaking out b/c I hadn't settled on a baby name yet!!! Ironic, since I have about 15 boys' AND 15 girls' names picked out!!

I woke up with my body feeling exactly like it did in the dream (except for contraction pains!); I felt so exhausted I could barely move any part of my body, and it's just now wearing off! It was so strange...

randomness, as always

I found out that I didn't get into my program for Fall, and I was pretty bummed about it. But I realized there's 4 classes I really want to take, and now I can. Mainly, Fundamental Photography.

My mom's cousin came to visit from CA last week, and it was great... except for the fact that my mom was always talking about the dead and dying. And with nothing to assuage that, it was a very difficult week for me.

I got my taxes done... getting $4,314 back total!!! There's so many things I want to spend that money on...

And this is extremely random, but at the Museum, I found a brochure for an Arboretum that I really want to go to -- in Lisle, IL. I've always been oddly obsessed with trees, usually lone, barren ones. But this place has hiking trails, driving roads, and 1700 acres! Perhaps I will venture out there this summer, if I can find someone to go with. www.mortonarb.org

praying for a clean break

I tried really hard since I got back from vacation to start thinking / being more positive... and God really threw that back in my face.

I feel like I'm losing control of myself, at least more so than usual. The odd "remedies" that usually "fix" me just don't seem to cut it anymore, which makes me feel even more worthless and broken. And this week proved just how broken I still am. I guess I didn't realize how damaging this has been on me all these years...

"I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted.
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you."
-Hawk Nelson, "Everything You Ever Wanted"

I feel like I have been constantly slammed against a wall for a week straight. And this time it's been more brutal on me than in the past.

My last call tonight reminded me so much of something that still haunts me, even in my sleep. So I barely made it out of the elevators before I started crying. And once I got in my car, I completely lost it.

Why do I literally walk away from the one thing I want, over and over and over again? Why does it feel like every inch of me is ripping apart when I try NOT to walk away for once? But why am I so happy about it even when my body feels like that? I'm sick of these panic attacks or whatever they are. I've never really had them before... this. And in the rare moments my mind freezes, I feel that this is actually attainable. Which is a new feeling for me. But the minute I try to walk towards it... sigh. By now I've probably lost my chance anyway.



"This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out."
-Goo Goo Dolls, "Sympathy"

It's always nice to be reminded that the things you do, no matter HOW you do them... you are doing them wrong. And people wonder why I have no self esteem....

It makes me realize, though, that I have no chance of getting certain things. I don't deserve them. So I guess at least it's a wake up call (as well as emotional short circuiting). I almost cried twice today at work, during calls, just thinking about things that have been said to me. And I did cry the whole way home. It's not fair. No wonder I have such a hard time letting people in.

"There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun."

-Matthew West, "Only Grace"

I'm officially blond again and hate it. I should have been studying all week for my final exam, but just don't care (my class ends Thurs). I miss my nephew like crazy.

Sadness draws me to the cemetery again lately, but it just makes me more sad. My nightmares are starting up again, and I wake up in a cold sweat, and tears. Can't sleep hardly at all anymore, or wake up over and over through the night.

But I had a great ending to a very tiring day. :) I have off of work now for a week and a half! Going to Madison to babysit, then leaving Saturday for Missouri with a friend for a week. Back to work next Sunday!


"I'm not the one who broke you;
I'm not the one you should fear.
What do you got to move you darling?
I thought I lost you somewhere."
-Goo Goo Dolls

sigh...

Verse 1
Staring out the window of my cubicle tonight,
Wondering where you are among all these city lights.
Am I on your mind?
Do you miss me?
Wish you'd give me a sign.
Do you want to kiss me?
I really try--
But no matter what I do
I freeze up inside
When I see you.

Verse 2
Staring at the ceiling, still trying to fall asleep;
Try to forget you but I'm already in too deep.
My feelings are strong--
Am I crazy?
Do I have it all wrong?
Do you like me baby?
It's hard to see
When I run and hide;
I just want to be
By your side.

Verse 3
When you're near, I get so nervous I can barely stand.
Can't breathe, but all I want to do is take your hand.
Would it make you happy?
Do you feel the same?
Please don't let me
Sing this in vain.
Don't you see--
I'm so attached.
I want you baby;
Be mine at last.


Chorus
Every corner I turn, I hope to see
You standing there, waiting for me.
I hide my feelings deep inside,
But you've got to see it in my eyes.
Baby can't you see it's true--
I don't want anybody else but you.

Today I had the perfect opportunity, and I still couldn't say hello. What is wrong with me?? (I hate being so ungodly shy.)

Also, as I've said, sometimes I can "see" what someone is feeling or whatever. Well today when I looked at someone's eyes, I saw weariness.... (physical and mental) exhaustion, unhappiness, and determination. Exanimate... I just wish I could have said something to change that, because this person seems like they deserve so much more out of life than that.

"I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now."
-Oasis

"Breathless"

Verse 1
Do you know that I see you
Every time you pass me by?
I've gotten so good at hiding it,
But I see everything
Out the corner of my eye.
As the hour passes I listen
For the sound of your approaching voice.
As it nears, I try to focus--
To seem indifferent,
But I just want to rejoice.

Chorus
I'm already hooked--
Can't you see?
You keep taking the
Breath out of me.
I'm infatuated--
I'm spinning fast,
Waiting to fall
Into your arms at last.

Verse 2
Do you know I think about you
In the middle of the night?
The sweetest dreams I ever had,
So some of it
Just has to turn out right.
As a new day breaks I wait
For the bittersweet reality
To wake me from my happiness
And bring new hope
In all of its entirety.

Chorus
I'm already hooked--
Can't you see?
You keep taking the
Breath out of me.
Intoxication--
Spinning so fast,
Waiting to fall
Into your arms at last.

hopeless fascinations

I'm still trying very hard not to get my hopes up, but it's getting more and more difficult. I have been smiling all day, and it feels fantastic, after everything I've been feeling for so long. I'm sure nothing will ever come out of this, and I especially hate how I pretty much make it impossible for anything to come out of this. But I love the way I feel today, in the midst of a micrometer of hope. I'm so damn happy whenever I think about this, but I can guarantee I'm sending all the wrong signals outward... as usual. sigh.


"And when you looked into my eyes
I felt a sudden sense of urgency.
Fascination casts a spell
And you became more than just a mystery.
I feel the magic building around you
Yeah I think about it all the time.
Tell me it's madness - I barely know you..."
-Savage Garden

"This intoxication thrills me,
I only pray it doesn't kill me."
-SG

I have a fever, which I guess is a normal side effect of the booster shots I got. However, a fever where I work makes for a terribly long day, and I hate being hot and cold over and over. Besides that, work was... interesting.

I think I need to take a sabbatical LOL. But seriously. My mind won't stop perambulating, so I need to just let it do so. I've never been so happy just at the possibility of something. And yet every time I get my hopes up about it, I remind myself how I'm the last person to deserve it, and I would mess it up terribly anyway. I remind myself that there is no possibility of this happening in the first place. And that makes me terribly sad. Which is driving me crazy, because believe me, this is not something I can just forget about (I've tried).

My nightmares have slowed quite a bit lately, which is a huge relief. I've finally had some good dreams, it's been about 8 months since that happened. I still can't really sleep though, and at work I've been so restless (for different reasons), so I'm really wearing down.



"Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor.
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar."
-The Fray

gifts & curses

Is it possible to exude so much empathy onto someone sitting next to you? I can't really explain it, but sometimes I can just feel people's sorrows and fears and pain, and it completely changes my disposition.

I haven't felt this much caged emotion in awhile, and at the same time haven't sensed so much goodness coming from one person. I wish I knew what to say to make it better, but I know from experience usually words don't numb you the way they're given out to.



"Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold."
-OneRepublic

wonderwall

The last 3 or 4 months, I have had only nightmares. And lots of them. Generally, I have a lot of dreams, and they are really bizarre. But now it seems they are completely replaced by awful dreams that wake me up in tears and sweat. That wake me up shaking and torn apart. Thus, I have officially gone back to my extreme insomnia that I used to have; it's finally resorted back to its full meaning.

This, mixed with the recent deaths I've been dealing with, has all left me... numb. I can't stand closing my eyes without feeling like I'm taking myself to the same hellish place each night, and I can't stand opening my eyes without suffocating from reality. It's ironic I guess, having a Writing degree and yet I can't figure out how to explain the depth of what I'm even feeling.



"Sing a sad song
In a lonely place
Try to put a word in for me
It's been so long
Since I found this place
You better put in two or three."
-Oasis, from "Sad Song"


"Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind.
Damn my education, I can't find the words to say
About all the things caught in my mind."
-Oasis, from "Don't Go Away"

"Where is my mind?"

My birthday this year left me melancholy, and there are good reasons for it, but I just didn't think I'd still feel like this. I feel hollow, apathetic, unlovable, broken, unimportant. Then again, haven't I always felt like that?

Today I bought 3 kids books at Barnes n Noble. I was looking for a good book for my nephew, and instead bought 3 for me. Well, for my kids... if I ever have any. And those who know how I am with guys know that I will probably never have kids. I'm sick of my relatives asking when I'm going to get married "like everyone else is." It's not a disease, and quite frankly I've only ever been comfortable when I'm single. Lord knows I have too many love/trust/guy issues to even be in a relationship anyway. So why am I buying books for kids I'll likely not birth?



The last 2 months, all I can think about is disappearing. Don't worry, I'm not going to run away or anything; I've just had these overwhelming thoughts about leaving, going to a big city somewhere far away. I've even looked up some cities: Minneapolis, Portland, Atlanta, Lansing, Indianapolis, NYC, Seattle. I secretly wish that I could just slip away in the middle of the night, without telling anyone, and just start over. I've never felt so stuck, and there has been no solace for that. But I know that every city ends up being the same, all people the same, and I do have a sorry excuse for a life slowly developing here. So maybe when I'm done with school, one day I will finally run away. I need to find peace somewhere. sigh.