I feel like I have been constantly slammed against a wall for a week straight. And this time it's been more brutal on me than in the past.

My last call tonight reminded me so much of something that still haunts me, even in my sleep. So I barely made it out of the elevators before I started crying. And once I got in my car, I completely lost it.

Why do I literally walk away from the one thing I want, over and over and over again? Why does it feel like every inch of me is ripping apart when I try NOT to walk away for once? But why am I so happy about it even when my body feels like that? I'm sick of these panic attacks or whatever they are. I've never really had them before... this. And in the rare moments my mind freezes, I feel that this is actually attainable. Which is a new feeling for me. But the minute I try to walk towards it... sigh. By now I've probably lost my chance anyway.



"This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out."
-Goo Goo Dolls, "Sympathy"