Boomerang!

You may call me a crazy cat (bunny) lady, but that's okay.

Honestly, if all that was on this planet besides me was animals, that would be enough for me. I connect so much more with animals than with people, and most people can't understand what that's like. Oh well...

Twilight

I am reading the "Twilight" saga, and I've only ever read the first book. I had sworn I would never read the books because so many girls were obsessed with the series. However, I succumbed out of curiosity and a friend's suggestion, about a year ago. And I have never felt so moved, so existent, as I did by "Twilight." Never was I so invested in a character, never felt so paralleled to one, never felt that I would make so many of the exact same choices as a character in a given situation, think the same thoughts, wish for the same things, etc., as Bella.

I am reading "Twilight" again, and once again I can't stop smiling as I see the passion unfolding. I'm not sure quite what has me so enthralled, but I believe it's the intensity. I've lived such an uneventful life, much like Bella had, and I only want love -- unconditionally. I want exquisite, whole, unrequited, passionate, intense, and eternal love. I know that if/when I let myself succumb to someone's love like that, it really will be the only love I can feel. It won't matter what he is, or what he has done, or what he wishes to do. It will only matter that he loves me, unconditionally, despite my enormous insignificance. He will become my life, and nothing else will matter, simply because he loves me with every particle of his being.

As pessimistic as I am, reading a book like this makes me realize I can't be made, in all my compassion and cursed empathetic magnetism, for nothing. I can't have a desire so strong, only to have a God mock me for my eternity. Books like this, characters like this, visions of the different lives I want to live out, they all tell me that there is something for me, somewhere. "There's got to be something for my soul somewhere." -from "Music & Lyrics


I can't wait to see how the rest of the story unfolds for Bella (please don't ruin anything for me!!!), but I would like to believe that love will win over any other battle. That love will, truly and finally, conquer all.

winter wonderland

I'm so happy it's snowing!!! I'm also excited that I finished all of my Christmas shopping before December. And that I have a 2 month old rabbit who is the cutest thing ever. And that I have a giant apartment all to myself.

I have a 5-day weekend off work now. I plan to finally read the Twilight saga, watch some movies, clean the apartment, and mainly stay curled up on the couch the entire time. It's going to be great.

Soul Asylum

This weekend I found a bunch of mix CDs that I made many years ago. One of them had "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum, which is still one of my all-time favorite songs. Every time I listen to it, I think about my life so far, and all the things I could have done differently.

Today I heard Pachelbel Canon on the radio, which is probably my favorite instrumental song, ever. And I imagined my own wedding, and just started crying my eyes out. It's funny how you can want something so badly and at the same time feel repulsed by the thought of physically being a part of a life like that. I know in my heart that I can never get that close to anybody, despite my hopes and dreams. And for some reason, I will never know why. But I can still daydream...

somewhere in between

I've moved, but I am still not going anywhere; I feel stuck and I am not sure how to get out of this. I'm exhausted from fighting these uphill battles that I've been fighting for so long. It's always the same fight, no matter where I am or who I am up against. And it's incredibly tiring.

The irony is that the harder I try to fight these battles, the more of what they say becomes true in my eyes. I am worthless, I am expendable, I am ordinary. I am passionate about things that don't matter, and cold about the things that do. I am average. I am clueless. I don't care enough. I care too much. And I am broken beyond repair.

I need a clean break, but can't seem to pick myself up and just move on. I know what would make me happy, but I also know I don't deserve it. So how am I supposed to get myself out of this one?

"This is over my head but underneath my feet,

'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat

And everything will be back to the way it was--

I wish that it was just that easy...

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?

Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.

I don't want to run away from this,

I know that I just don't need this..."

-Lifehouse, "Somewhere In Between"

hope for the hopeless

I've always been pessimistic, but I am trying to alter that. And what better time to try, then when I am moving away from the only life I've known? There is so much to be hopeful for out here. :)


"I've just begun a new phase--
I'm trying these days.
I've watched you close,
I'm versed in all your ways;
I'm just beginning to realize
I'll get you one of these days..."
-Rilo Kiley

Starting Over

I've grown and learned so much since I graduated from UW-Whitewater in December 2005. I've made and lost so many friends since then, and honestly felt like I even lost myself. Then I went through a very painful experience 3 years ago, and I couldn't even recognize myself after that. I've only recently come out of that, but was still suffocated by everything else.

I transferred to Madison 3 weeks ago, keeping the same job, with the intent of going back to school soon. I still wonder if I made the right decision, but everything points to 'yes'. I've already met some great people, settled in at work, have a place to stay in the interim, and have an awesome apartment for October where I will finally be able to breathe. My entire life, I've felt suffocated. I don't even know how to breathe anymore, and I don't know how much longer I could have lasted.

Already, there is friendship. Already, there is hope for things to come. Already, there are butterflies. Already, the stress has vanished. I am truly happy, and I only just got here. I can't wait to see what is out here for me, once I finally start living my life.

The 2 lamps I ordered are here, and my parents picked up my nesting tables from IKEA yesterday. I bought a vacuum cleaner last week. And my shoe rack should be here by Tuesday. I'm getting so excited!

People don't understand what I am going through emotionally this month. This is not just 'moving' for me. But it will get me back to square one, and I can finally live life. I've been so emotional about this, but things are already showing promise in Madison. And there are some really great people :) I just hope that all of the false perceptions of me dissipate quickly, because I'm starting to wonder if some of it is true...

Tomorrow I'm going to Indian Summer Festival in Milwaukee, and then packing. Next weekend is a wedding and more packing. The weekend after that is my last weekend to pack, and the 1st weekend of October I'm officially moving to Madison!!!

Moving On

After 27 years, I feel I am finally "moving" in life. I've been stuck at home, stuck in bad friendships, stuck in an emotionally bad place, my entire life. After all the times I said I'd do something about it.... well I finally am.

I transferred to a job in Madison and am staying with a good friend of the family while I work, until I can move into my apartment in October. It's surreal boxing up my entire life, bit by bit, on the weekends when I come back home. But I know I will finally be happy once I'm fully moved out. After all the years of suffocation, I will finally be able to breathe, and I can't ask for anything more than that! :)

I am still nervous about moving to Madison, because I have 2 friends out there and that's it. I don't know anyone else. I know that I will, but it still sucks leaving all your friends behind. I think, in the end, this is the best decision I've ever made for myself. And now my brother and his wife are expecting another child!!! Joey just turned 2 years old, and the next little one is due in June. I can't wait. :)

My laptop is FINALLY virus free. My sleep schedule is all messed up. My foot keeps cramping from my stupid clog boot shoes. My hair is screaming for a new hair color. My phone interview went well (I think). My nephew turns 2 years old on Sunday. My "1st cousin once removed" just had a baby. I finally learned what a "1st cousin once removed" even is. I got to pet the bunnies at State Fair. I found the perfect bookcases online. I get to spend the weekend in Michigan!

Brokedown Palace

In recent years, I've taken to a life of solitude and disarray. I've halted the little social life I had, by choice, and have sort of hoped no one would even notice. I've gone through more than I have a heart to go through, and inadvertently shut myself out of "life" because of it.

Though I am still dealing with what I am dealing with, things are finally turning around. I've decided that it is time to step out of this, and to live. My entire life, I can't tell you one time I was really "living," and this quote says it so well:

"How dull it is to pause, to make an end, to rust unburnished, not to shine in use! As though to breathe were life..." -Alfred Lord Tennyson

I know there is more out there for me, even though I sure don't deserve anything. But I know I can do a little bit better than this life I am living now. I am working on it. *fingers crossed*

Hello, it's been awhile.

My life has been so chaotic the last few months, most of which I don't want to talk about. I feel like I need a week long retreat, camping in the wilderness, by myself. Sort of like those Native American dream journeys, I forget what they are really called. To find your inner animal or to hear the Great Spirit speak. I could really use one of those...

We had another tornado last night, I was home alone and had to spend 2 hours in the basement. We also had flash flood warnings for hours. This is crazy. I just watched Ever After, one of my favorite movies. I never noticed the song that plays during the credits, but it really hit me just now so I will post the lyrics.

"Put Your Arms Around Me" by Texas

Are you ready,

And maybe are you willing to run?

Are you ready to let yourself drown?

Are you holding your breath?

Are you ready or not?

Are you ready?

Maybe do you long to confess?

Do you feel that you're already numb?

Are you sure of yourself?

Would you lie if you're not?

You tire me out.

Don't want to let that happen.

A secret scream so loud.

Why did you let that happen?

Ooh, ooh

So put your arms around me.

You let me believe...

That you were someone else.

Ooh ooh ooh

'Cause only time can take you.

So let me believe...

That I am somewhere else.

Maybe are you ready to break?

Do you think that I push you too far?

Would you open yourself?

Are you reckless or not?

You tire me out.

Don't want to let that happen.

A secret scream so loud.

Why did you let that happen?

Ooh ooh ooh

So put your arms around me.

You let me believe...

That you were someone else.

Ooh, ooh

'Cause only time can take you.

So let me believe...

That I am somewhere else.

Let me believe...

That I am somewhere else.

So put your arms around me.

So put your arms around me.

Make me believe.

Take me, take me...

Somewhere,

Somewhere...

so much is on my mind...

I found my Plus One CDs! It's a Christian band so most of you won't care. But anyway, their music has spoken to me so strongly since I first listened to them back in college. Their songs still make me cry sometimes (but lots of songs do).

I have so many decisions to make right now and like everyone, no way to gauge if my choices will be good or bad. I've been feeling stuck, suffocated, for the last 6 or 7 years, and I don't know how else to explain it but that music like this (not even just Christian music) sort of frees me again.

All I've been focused on lately is the desire to go back 4 years and make very different choices in my life, but these CDs reminded me that I have to accept my life up to now, and just focus on re-directing it to a better place. Like, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." It's always good to be reminded of that. :)

"It's not too late, it's almost over--

If you'll just wait you'll feel it lifting off your shoulders.
So keep believing, the sun always
Promises a new day;
It'll stop the rain, break the chains
And chase the pain away."

-Plus One

hey soul sister

I finally watched "Where The Wild Things Are." I just bought the book for my nephew! The movie was much better than I thought it would be, and they actually kept it true to the book. Here's my newest guitar, so pretty and I love abalone.

So glad I had an entire week off from work and a mini vacation. My nephew is getting so grown up already... he can run, say some words, turn book pages 1 by 1 (instead of 3 or 4), and he can dance!

I went to the Botanical Gardens today to finally play with my new camera (I bought it in December?). I can't believe how much is already in bloom.

tweet

I bought my mom a birdbath for Mother's Day. She absolutely loved it, and I can't wait to see all the birdies enjoying it! Of course I pick out one that is made out of concrete and weighs 182 pounds...

I made it 27 years without you, Allergies, so why did we ever have to meet? bahhhhh

Also, I found my absolute dream condo... now if only I was rich.

Karen's dream house

I got to mow the lawn today... ugh Also did 3 loads of laundry, baked cinnamon buns, doing dishes, cleaning the house, paying bills, etc. I'm tiiiiiired. But I'm going to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit tomorrow with my dad, and then we're probably perusing downtown.

Also, I love this song.

Happy Easter!

I got to see my nephew this morning! They got to our house late last night but were all asleep when I got home from work. Joey woke me up at 8am today. He kept pushing buttons on the phone/answering machine, so we told him that he couldn't do that. What did he do? Push the buttons with his nose! It may have been the funniest thing I've ever seen a kid do (that wasn't on tv). Then I took a 6 hour nap, oops.

"Imagine a pie that my future self bakes, and then sends back in time to my pre-past self... but I can't eat it because the ingredients don't exist yet, so I have to make my own ingredients." -Stormy from Sealab 2021

I've been watching season 5 of LOST this weekend, and it is making me reminisce about my life and my goals and all that good stuff. And it makes me sad. I hate losing people in my life, whether via death or just falling outs. I've been thinking a lot about the last few good friends from my life, and how even though I'm a better person without them, I can't stand not having them in my life. I guess I've finally grown up more though, because I am constantly resisting the urge to go back to them.

It's ironic, because recently I've accumulated a few people that won't leave me alone. Those who know me well, know I am easily suffocated. So no, I don't enjoy people who keep seeking me out, sitting by me, trying to hunt me down every day when I clearly don't want them to. Now if I could just have a flash of light so that I could jump to the past, and fix a few of these things...

I bought an iPhone! It's great so far. I also finally succumbed to Twitter. I'm officially a lemming now... http://twitter.com/krbear104

I am enjoying 3 days off in a row and catching up on stuff. After the way the last 2 weeks have been, I don't want to see or talk to a single person for several weeks. ugh I've been planning a vacation for myself and I really think I'm going. It would probably be for June, but I am getting so excited. I will also go to Michigan soon to see my nephew again :)

I just watched Up In The Air, and it made me think we should start firing people the same way, everywhere. It was a good movie. It also made me think that I should just one day decide to take a trip out of spontaneity. I am excited for the snow we're getting this weekend, but then I can't wait for spring so I can use my macro lens with my new camera on flowers and bugs! Road trip to the arboretum in IL with Becca?? I think so!!!

Today I called in Absent at work, for the first time since I've been a supervisor (7 months). I just needed a personal day. I did a ton of errands, paid all my bills, took a shower, did 2 loads of laundry, read part of a book, watched Couples' Retreat, started watching 3:10 to Yuma, and took care of my mom the entire day. It's still a full-time job in and of itself.

My dad got home from work around 6:30, so I can finally relax. I found my Nintendo DSi and am charging it as I write this so I can finally play the game I bought a month ago -- Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box! Later I will probably start reading the last Harry Potter book from the beginning, and hope to finish it tomorrow. And do more laundry, and dishes, and bake, and watch another movie, and take care of my mom all day again. sigh.

"Don't ever be someone's slogan,

Because you are poetry."

-from 28 Days

fate, by any other name, is still not sweet

My bestest friend ever, and I, stopped talking years ago and there were a lot of reasons why. Now she keeps trying to creep back into my life but for once I am holding my ground. The problem is that I feel like a horrible person everytime I put my foot down with her. I'm so sick of this feeling.

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that my life will not end up how I want it to. My heart has always 'been on hold' for a certain person, but I'm realizing he's not the BEST for me (especially after very recent events), even though I love him to death and have known him for many crazy years. It just makes me sad to realize we probably won't end up together in the end, like we always thought we would.

"Here it comes, ready or not--

We both found out it's not how we thought

That it would be, how it would be.

If the time could turn us around,

What once was lost may be found

For you and me, for you and me..."

-Lifehouse, "It Is What It Is"

"I close my eyes and all that I can see

Is someone who I'm never gonna be."

-Lifehouse, "Crash and Burn"

In the last month or so, I've been asked out 5 times, had 2 people tell me they have a crush on me (one person told me 2 days in a row), and was possibly asked out by a girl. I have no idea what is going on, I am so good at avoiding things like this that now I am afraid to talk to anybody, because these were all quite surprising incidents.

I got in a horrible fight today over the stupidest thing, but it was worth it to get a night out and drink with friends. Too bad Sam left Captel, but at least she will get awesome traveling discounts! I think the rest of this month is going to be surreal for so many reasons.

My phone contract is up next week, I'm still trying to decide what provider to go with and what phone to get. Not sure if I want a touch screen, but they all look nice. My first priority (especially after tonight) is still moving out. A new phone can wait. Now it's just sucking it up and dealing with the fights about moving, packing everything, and just moving on.

migraines suck

After 3 1/2 days of migraines, and 1 day of horrible bloody noses (which are extremely rare for me), now I have a bad cold! ughhhhh I also am starting to think I need glasses -- I've been getting headaches much more frequently, and it's always after lots of TV or computer stuff or long drives (I'm fine with close-up stuff thank god). I had perfect vision last time I got checked, but that was freshman year of hs, but that was 13 years ago! I really really really don't want glasses, but it would be better than constant headaches!

Greg Nowaczynski gave me some CDs to listen to, and one of them is Glassjaw. I can't believe I've never listened to them before! They are fantastic. Now I have 10 bills to pay, muffins to bake for my mom, 2 loads of laundry to do tonight, dishes to wash, and then I want a nap! I also have to figure out what phone I want, since my contract is up in 14 days :)

Also, I love this song by Jimmy Eat World, and by serendipity came across this awesome girl on Youtube, her covers are fantastic. So here she is.

Ever since the winter x-games, all I can think about is how I've wanted to snowboard for 10 years, and still haven't tried it. I ski occasionally, but I used to skateboard (barely) and think I'm much more suited for a type of board. I just have to find somebody who snowboards well who can teach me.

I am planning a vacation for myself, 2 vactions actually. One won't be till at least 2011, I want to get SCUBA lessons and certified first. The other one is for closure from mourning, which doesn't exactly make it a 'vacation,' but it is something that I've decided I need to do. I think I've figured out how to make it a happier adventure, too. So I'll start planning that. It will be nice to go somewhere and be by myself.

I just spent 4 days in Madison visiting one of my best friends. Her daughter is so precious, and has me wrapped around her finger. Every time I see her (or my nephew), it reminds me how much I want a family someday.

I am starting to look at apartments again, I want to move by June hopefully. The next few months are going to be horrible for personal reasons, there is too much going on that I am barely dealing with, without trying to find a place and move. But if I don't move soon, I think I might finally break...

"I just wanna get out;

Stuck inside of this

Waiting for something else.

Waiting to exist--

Can you offer me help?

Help from what I missed,

I missed..."

-Our Lady Peace, "Do You Like It"

snowpocalypse!

Today I didn't have to work because I switched some shifts with somebody. I woke up at 2pm, snowblowed the 5+ inches in the driveway, watched Dodgeball, payed 8 bills, snowblowed the driveway again, cleaned my room, played guitar, played Rock Band, played some Mario Bros. wii, did 3 loads of laundry, and now I'm watching some Numb3rs episodes and baking brownies. It was a good day.

My parents are still in Michigan because of the weather, they were supposed to be home today. They will probably make the long voyage home tomorrow if the winds aren't too bad with the snow. But now I have to work 8 days in a row, and then I'm going to Madison to visit Libby!!!

go let it out...

Today my good friend Mary came over, I haven't seen her in a year. She's exactly the person I needed to talk to about everything that is going on, so while I'm still in a bad mood, I feel better to let it out.

I played a bunch of songs tonight on guitar that I haven't played in quite awhile. Worship songs, and one I wrote years ago, because Mary prayed for me and then it was all I wanted to sing. She also gave me back a book I gave her like 4 years ago I forgot about, "Troubling Deaf Heaven." It's a book about feeling like God is ignoring you. And it's something I struggle with every time I get back my spiritual mindset.

Right now I'm apathetic, and my fingers hurt from playing guitar for so long. I'm disappointed that I'm not really good at anything, and I feel like the last 8 years of my life were wasted, and I don't ever feel appreciated, and I feel that I am likable but truly unloveable, and that is a bad combination of things to think about.

"When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my fate..."

-Shakespeare, from Sonnet 29

new beginnings

I've made an updated list of goals; I refuse to let another year go to waste.

-Find an apartment and move out!!!

-Start jogging again

-Start biking again

-Go up to Elroy-Sparta for a few days

-Learn to snowboard, if Ryan and Chris will finally teach me

-Make it through all the Rock Band songs for the drums on "Expert"

-Get the tattoo I've wanted

-Get back some sort of a social life

-Write another song (it's been awhile since I wrote a whole one)

-Get a digital piano whenever I move out

-Write another creative nonfiction essay

-Learn to change my guitar strings finally

-Read and finish the Harry Potter series for once

-Stop hiding from the guy I like

And last but not least...

-become a certified SCUBA diver

-book a vacation to the Maldives by myself :)

I swear I got 5,000 things done today at work... but I had 6,000+ things I had to get done today. I hate the feeling of never catching up on stuff, but I am doing 3x the work and taking care of stuff for 115 people instead ~35 people, and am not getting to work any extra hours during all of this. I also had 2 team meetings today, which take a lot out of you. At least it's officially my weekend now. :)

I decided I want to take a solo vacation to the Maldives sometime this year. They have monsoons so I have to look up when I could even go. I've always wanted to learn to scuba dive, and that is the perfect place to dive... so I may be taking a class soon to get certified. I'm sure my parents will flip if I go anywhere far away, especially somewhere halfway around the world, by myself. Oh well, I need to get away from life for awhile, and from EVERYBODY, before I lose it.

I'm so glad I canceled my classes this semester. I need some free time, and I need to get back some sort of a social life. I need to move out. I need to let myself enjoy things like weekends, friends' birthdays, crushes, zoo outings, breaking free, etc.

weird day

Today I was asked out several times by one guy, had another guy getting jealous, and then had to ask another guy for advice about the guy I actually do like... it was a really weird day.

I took a nap before going out tonight, and woke up with bad chest pains. They still haven't gone away and now I'm freaking out about it. I hope it's just something minor that goes away tomorrow. And now I'm so tired and exhausted but can't shut off my mind, so I know I'll be up for quite awhile. At least I have off Saturdays!

"Oh this is the start of something good,

Don't you agree?

I haven't felt like this in so many moons,

You know what I mean?"

-Gavin DeGraw

questions

I've had several migraines this month and was told some pretty awful news this week, as well as everything else that has been going on at work. I decided to drop the classes I was going to take this semester, because I just need a break. I'd rather focus on finding a place to move instead.

I wish I could shut my mind off here and there, because I'm always thinking too much and that just can't be good. I wish I could figure certain things out, but I guess only time will tell. I want to know if certain things are just in my head or not. I want to know why my left eye keeps burning. I want to know why people worry so much about me. I want to know why my family tells me the super important things all matter-of-factly. I want to know why my car whistles like a door is ajar, when it's not. And I want to know why I am always so tired but can't ever seem to sleep.

"Just a twist in time,

And you could be mine..."

-Savage Garden

Starting over

This was the worst week I've ever had, and I'm still facing the repercussions of it all. People blame me for their own actions, it's amusing to say the least. I was blessed to have people truly sticking up for me and looking out for me through all of this, something I haven't had in a long time. What's done is done, and it doesn't matter who you blame.

I found out some stuff this week as well, and I have just been trying to get through the days one at a time. I don't know if I can handle anymore chaos this month. On a good note, today is my birthday. We went out last night, and I can't tell you how much I needed it. I was surrounded by great people and had a lot of fun, and I can't ask for much more than that. :)

"I've tried to hide it so that no one knows,

But I guess it shows

When I look into your eyes..."

-BSB

changes

I swear I have a curse, or something like it. I tried so hard to be positive this month and everything keeps crumbling around me. And now I caused a giant rift that is probably going to come back and hit me, and people are just now starting to stand up for me about what has happened. Days like today I spend my lunch walking around outside, just so I can breathe. I've had enough of it all. It's time for a new beginning.

I swear I'm going to try and be more positive, stop letting things get to me so much, stop letting people walk all over me and then play the sympathy card, so that I can actually have the energy to deal with all the family and personal problems I'm already dealing with. I'm going to stop having nightmares so I can actually sleep, stop having stress migraines, and I'm going to do what I need to do in order to finally be happy for once in my life.

"This is over my head

But underneath my feet,

'Cause by tomorrow morning

I'll have this thing beat..."

-Lifehouse

This has been a really really lousy start to a new year, and I'm done pretending to be friends with people who keep walking all over me. I just hate days like today when you can't even fake a smile, but you keep trying to because everyone talks to you at work.

Work has been atrocious lately, but also it's getting interesting... we'll see what comes of it all soon enough. I have to thank Becchi for being such a good friend and looking out for me like she does. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. Pasia and Becchi talked me into going out for my birthday next week, so at least I can just go out and relax for once, and forget about all the drama.

New Year's Goals

I made a list of some goals for this year, I need something to look forward to.

-Read the Harry Potter series, and actually finish the last book

-Start running again

-Go 6 months without dyeing my hair

-Get another tattoo

-Go biking on Elroy-Sparta, if I can find people to go with

-Write an essay worth publishing

-Get a digital piano

-Move out!

-Stop running from the good things in life

May this finally be my year, since the last 4 were not. As a bonus, here is one of my favorite songs to play on guitar. :)

karma police...

...where are they when you need them?! This year better have something in store for me, because the last 3 years were filled with terrible things and lots of tears. I swear I can't take much more... I feel like my life has been so stagnant that I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. And I feel like I'm suffocating, but that's nothing new.

For once I'm looking forward to my birthday. I haven't gone out in forever, and Pasia says we should all go out for my birthday so I guess I'll have to think of a place to go. I do need a night out, that's for sure.

"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,

So why am I ten feet under and upside down?

Barely surviving has become my purpose,

Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface."

-Lifehouse, "Storm"