go let it out...

Today my good friend Mary came over, I haven't seen her in a year. She's exactly the person I needed to talk to about everything that is going on, so while I'm still in a bad mood, I feel better to let it out.

I played a bunch of songs tonight on guitar that I haven't played in quite awhile. Worship songs, and one I wrote years ago, because Mary prayed for me and then it was all I wanted to sing. She also gave me back a book I gave her like 4 years ago I forgot about, "Troubling Deaf Heaven." It's a book about feeling like God is ignoring you. And it's something I struggle with every time I get back my spiritual mindset.

Right now I'm apathetic, and my fingers hurt from playing guitar for so long. I'm disappointed that I'm not really good at anything, and I feel like the last 8 years of my life were wasted, and I don't ever feel appreciated, and I feel that I am likable but truly unloveable, and that is a bad combination of things to think about.

"When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my fate..."

-Shakespeare, from Sonnet 29