Moving forward

It really is amazing what a little time can do.  My last post was written at a very low point, but things are so rewarding now.  My boyfriend is moving back from New York, and moving in with me, very soon!!!  I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!  Never have I ever thought I'd be able to let someone in like this, and for once I feel that I am moving forward in life, and in love.  I am so blessed I really can't believe it sometimes.

So now I am cleaning and rearranging my apartment in preparation for him to finally come 'home.'  It's the best Christmas present in the entire world!  :)

Hey Ya

I am sinking, but I'm still holding on.  I've found that I can only rely on myself amidst this chaos, and maybe that is for the best although it doesn't feel that way now.  I am still not sure how strong I really am, and I feel weak because I should still be thriving and really I am doing quite the opposite.  I am wilting.  I am suffocating.  I am dying.  But I'm still holding on, waiting for that tiny speck of light to finally come my way, so I can feel again.  I just hope it finds me soon, because this is unbearable.

Also, I discovered this song a few weeks ago, and I'm in love with it.  Well, I've heard the Outkast version of course, but never an acoustic version.  Something about Matt's voice is mesmerizing, and the words fit perfectly for my current situation.  This version makes me cry, both in a good and bad way.  It's very much like a siren, luring me in no matter how much I might try to turn away.  But it's fantastic, and I can't get enough.

"It's all over now, ooh, and I made it through somehow"

Long distance relationships are incredibly hard, but love is a pretty powerful thing, and it will stretch you past limits you never thought you could surpass.


"Missing You"
If everything was aligned just right;
If we both looked up at the stars tonight...
Would you hear me make my wish?
Would you see me crying over it?
Could you brush my hair from my face?
Kiss me tenderly and leave your taste?
Would you hold me when I'm shaking,
Breathe when I'm hyperventilating?

Could you take my hand and take me away?
Or hold on to me, forever and always?
Could you promise this won't be so hard
To live our lives from where we are?
Five states and 840 miles apart--
You hold my very fragile heart.
I love you more than you could ever know;
So please don't ever let me go, again.
-KK, 10/3/12


Also, I found out the other day that my college roommate (and good friend), her dad had an accident and is now in a coma with brain damage and there is nothing the doctors can do.  I can't stop crying about it; Jack was such a good guy, and I can't imagine what any of them are going through right now.

This is the song I always listen to when death is near, or death has won.  It's sad, but somehow perfect. I will be praying madly for Jack and his family, for a miracle recovery, and for peace of all if Jack must be taken from them.

winds of change...

It's been a crazy month, with a lot of changes.  I was not handling any of those changes well at all, but I'm finally succumbing to them (like I ever really had a choice).  I must hold onto perspective, and all else will fall into place.  I am truly blessed.




"You're all of my life, and every time I look at you
I keep telling myself, you're the one thing I just can't lose.
Our love runs so deeply, can't you feel it in your heart?
'Cause we've got something that no one can tear apart.

I'm telling you now, this love, it just can't be wrong,
Oh it can't be wrong.
And I won't give you up 'cause I've waited too long,
Oh, I've waited too long for love."
-Foreigner

"Home to You"

Here's a poem I wrote a few days ago...


The winds keep blowing,
Life keeps on going,
And I wonder:  what does it all mean?
Then you appear;
I blink, my dear,
And I'm mesmerized by what I've seen.

The tides will ebb and flow,
People will come and go,
And I never seem to get the timing right.
So I'll wait on the cusp,
'Till I've waited enough,
Then close my eyes as my soul takes flight.

The world keeps turning,
My eyes are burning,
And I wonder if you could ever see:
All the thoughts in my head--
The words that stop dead,
Are still there, even though you're changing me.

The rain will keep falling,
My past is still calling,
And sometimes I don't know what to do.
So I wait for the sun,
And sometimes I run,
But I'll always come back home to you.

-KK, 8/11/12

"Fit"

I can't find the Better Than Ezra version of this song online, so you get a cover instead.  But she does a great job.  LOVE this song.

There are so many things I want to do this week, but not enough time!  Also I'm starting to freak out about some things this week, but I hope they lead to personal growth instead of repression.  We'll see.






"I was adrift,
Out on my own;
You came along and
Carried me home [. . .]
Oh how you fit me."

Steady Now...

"Steady now, steady now;
Don't fear what you can't see.
Ready now, ready now --
I'll hold onto you,
You hold onto me."
-Grace Potter <3

Advice I need to remember, especially now when I'm prone to want to run.  I wish I wasn't so afraid of everything all the damn time...

Enlightenment

I've been trying to figure out how to get past some of my issues; it's been a long process.  Thanks to Sam for creating a list of things for me to do, which took a little bit of encouraging to complete, but definitely helped... and prepared me for what was about to happen.

Recently I bought myself a little book called a "Gratitude Journal," where you write something every day.  There are pages with a writing prompt, such as "write about 3 things you find beautiful today," or "write down everything you are grateful for today," and some pages are simply blank, or just have a quote.  So I've been writing in that each day, and it's a great reminder of just how great life is.

Also, I bought a 2-disc CD simply because of the title (terrible, I know!).  But the title was:  "Keep Calm and Carry On."  It's all instrumental music which I enjoy, but it's more about what it represents -- keeping calm, breathing, relaxing, clearing your mind, and still moving instead of being stagnate like I had been for so long.

I also just bought a scrapbook kit, the theme is "Memories."  I loved the styles of paper, the decorations it came with, and the quotes that were being displayed, such as "cherish yesterday," "live for today," and "dream of tomorrow."  I haven't opened up the kit yet, but I plan to turn the scrapbook into a self-realization of just how far I've come in my own life, especially after moving to Madison, and I know that will really help me get my confidence back, and to be even more grateful for my life.

In addition, I found these decorative keys at Michael's that just... drew me in.  Not sure what I will do with them, but they're old fashioned looking keys and they each have a word on them:  Love, Secret, Heart, Memory, Journey, Life, and Dreams.

And lastly, I ordered 3 books online today that I believe will help me overcome at least some of my self esteem / trust / adandonment / intimacy issues.  I should have the books next week.

Somehow, all of this is going to help me, with additional help from a certain someone that has been doing an excellent job of making me more comfortable in my own skin. :)  I'm at a place in life where I've FINALLY realized that I DO deserve better, and that I DO have a lot to offer... you can call it "enlightenment" or whatever you want.  I am finally on my journey toward a better, happier life than I had ever thought I could possibly deserve, and it's been extremely rewarding already ♥

"I'll go hide. If you're still there then you're still all I want..." ♥

Good Life

OMG Both rabbits are taking turns flopping in their cages (sign of bliss).  And I have butterflies and can't stop smiling.  It really is the good life, for all of us ♥

Who Am I

Love this song so much, always have.




My entire life I've felt lost, invisible, ignored, despised, abandoned, and unlovable.  It's taken a long time to get to where I am, but I'm pretty damn proud of all the progress I've made.

I found a perfect quote last night:

"There is no passion to be found playing small -- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."  -Nelson Mandela

At least I am finally living, and loving every minute of it :)

"Bitter Isolation"

Oh wow, the things you find looking through old poems you've written...


"Black Hole"

A void of nothing
In the bitter cold
Steals away
The days of old.

A lifeless man
In the smothering heat
Recalls the days
Of toxic defeat.

A soul in agony
In a grave of despair
Singes all the hope
He hoped to wear.

A kiss of death
In the dead of night
Stirs up thoughts
Of eternal plight.

A vile of poison
At the end of the day
Leaves memories lifeless
As they pass away."

-KK, 2/7/04

"Glycolysis"

I had to write a poem using technical jargon for Creative Writing in college, and since I was a Biology major at the time, I wrote about Glycolysis!  I know you are all excited about this... not.


"In eukaryotic cytosol
Sugars get broken down
From glucose to pyruvate--
There's activity all around.

This catabolic metabolism
Needs two ATP's to start.
And as the process carries on,
It pulls the sugars apart.

Side reactions bring energy
To this anaerobic chain;
For each time through the cycle
There's a two ATP net gain.

Kinase adds a phosphate
From the intermediate before.
Dehydrogenase breaks things down
Using the NAD+ in store.

The enzyme hexokinase
Is the first one to play its part;
If there is not enough present,
Glycolysis will not start.

Phosphofructokinase
And hexokinase, too,
And also pyruvate kinase
Are control points it must get through.

Fructose-1,6-bisphosphate
Uses aldolase to make
Not one, but two intermediates:
This is not a mistake.

The DHAP must transfer into
The other product here,
Otherwise the cycle stops,
And the end is no longer near.

Phosphoenolpyruvate
Is the last thing to be changed,
Pyruvate kinase the last enzyme,
As the molecule is rearranged."
-KK, 3/17/04

Good Life

I can't believe the contrast between last year and this year, in regard to my own life.  I'm not sure anything has stayed the same, including me.  And I'm finally okay with that.  I'm finally starting to see little pieces of what others keep saying they see in me, and it's a good feeling.

Today I was walking around the UW-Arboretum, thinking about how fantastic my life has been lately... when I stumbled upon this.  It almost brought me to tears.

"Joy is a flower that blooms when you do." -Author Unknown

I can feel it lately; I am blooming, and I feel nothing but joy and contentment.  I am loving life. <3

This song popped into my head 2 weeks ago, and I can't get it out!  I've always loved this song, so I really don't mind.  :)


"It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."




In other news, life is awesome lately!  I feel like my luck has finally changed over the last month or so.  I've found the clarity and courage lately to do what I need to do, and I've had tons of support along the way.  Special thanks to Sam and Kristi for pushing me, but lightly, toward believing in myself.  And special thanks to Amanda Beck for being such a positive person and influence each and every day.  I'm excited to see what else awaits me, but I've already been rewarded plenty.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."  It sure did.  :)

Mo' Girly, Mo' Problems

It's true.  Holy cow, it's true.  Mo' Girly, Mo' Problems...

Letting Go

"I won't be made a fool of; don't call this love."  -Christina Perri


For about the last 5 years, I have been dealing with the guilt of hurting my ex-boyfriend as much as I did when I broke up with him.  I obviously wasn't trying to hurt him, but in the end I did what I had to do.  I know that I broke him, but what I didn't plan on was inadvertently breaking myself as well.  (I'm sure he's fine and moved on by now, or at least he better be!)  Never in my life have I knowingly hurt someone so severely, and to be reminded of that on a daily basis, for weeks afterward, was awful.  I got over him very quickly, and he was still a good person, but for some reason I was never able to fully let go of everything, simply because I still felt all this guilt weighing me down.  I have nightmares once in awhile where he is hunting me down to kill me, I used to have that dream every night for several months after I broke up with him.  And in recent months, I have been "seeing" him everywhere, even though it's not really him.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, and FINALLY had my closure about it today, sitting on a hidden bench, in my favorite secret spot, at the Arboretum.

We can hurt people on purpose, and we can hurt them by circumstances or choice.  I chose happiness, which meant no longer being with him.  And that also meant that I had to hurt him in the process of my own personal growth.  Somehow I felt like a selfish bitch for choosing my own happiness over his, and somehow it took me nearly 5 years to realize that I have nothing to feel guilty about now.  One of my issues with relationships (friendships and intimate relationships) is that I am always terrified of hurting the person, since I seem to have done that a lot in the past.  And after seeing the effects of me actually breaking my ex, I became extremely reserved with everyone I met after that, and even with people I was already friends with.  I didn't want another boyfriend, because "I would just hurt him, too."  But a person can only be so happy living alone, hiking alone, eating alone, shopping alone, watching movies alone, cuddling alone (meaning cuddling a giant harbor seal instead of a great guy's protective arms), etc.  I want more, and I'm tired of holding myself back simply because I've come to believe I'm the worst person in the world for what I did.  It happens, and at least I broke up with him the best way I knew how.  I am finally letting go, and it feels fantastic.

Sing in Silence

"You gotta chase the monkey off your back..."

Well I am trying.  It's been a weird few months.  It's time for change.

Doctor Whoooooo

I finished the first season of Doctor Who a few days ago, and holy crap!  It's awesome.  I have a bunch of friends who like the show, but somehow I'd never seen an episode before.  Now I'm re-watching it before moving on to season 2.

"What use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love?" -Dalek


That quote really stuck with me, because I am one to try and hide how I really feel.  All the time.  But what use is that?  The Dalek was right.  Without acknowledging / giving in to our emotions, what is the point?

Burn It Down

I heard this song for the first time today, and I love it!  Reminds me of everything I've been going through mentally and emotionally over the last month or so.  It is time to move on, FROM EVERYTHING.  I feel like I've been stuck in limbo for a long time, afraid to let go of my past, but afraid to step out into a new (and actual) life.  I am burning up the haunted embers and stepping forward into fresh air.

goodbye...

Rest in peace, Auntie Joanie (4/3/12)

swimming home

I know you are praying for the day when you are no longer incapacitated by this awful pain and helplessness. I know you hate to see your family suffer like this. I am upset that I am not nearly as brave as you, because while I have not been able to make peace with this yet, you have. If you, of all people, can make your peace, then surely we should be able to as well. You will be greatly missed, and never forgotten. May you swim peacefully to Heaven soon so you may forget this awful pain, and finally be free.

Ides of March

These allergies are kicking my ass. It's also been a crazy couple of weeks, but I'm done fighting with myself.

I can't get enough of this song. I love these guys.

"Softly, quickly, give in to the sweet persistence. This is only a beginning."

"With one word I'd take this pain from you, but I fall mute."

Two Points for Honesty

"If that's all you will be,

You'll be a waste of time."

-Guster

I have wasted 29 years of my life, and I'm done being a waste of time. It's time to live, laugh, and let go of the toxic past that has been holding me back for so long. Despite what I've always thought, I DO deserve good things. I deserve to be happy, to feel good, to love and be loved, and to make my own path in life, despite everyone's attempts to have me follow theirs.

"I wanna be where I've never been before."

-Guster

In a way, I am now where I've never been before. Never have I been so honest with somebody, or shown my true self, over and over again, to someone. And the entire time, I have been unsure of where this is going. More unsure now, after last night, but still I am fighting my instincts and I am not running away. I know what will probably happen, which is nothing, but I need to try and fight for what I want in order to break free of my past and go for what I know I deserve. I can't believe I'd feel this way if it is supposed to amount to nothing...

goodbye...

Weird day, with a twist. Goodbye my friend.

"You belong among the wildflowers,

You belong in a boat out at sea,

You belong with your love on your arm,

You belong somewhere you feel free."

-Tom Petty

"Hold my hands across your face,

Because I think our time has come."

-Marilyn Manson

"Tragedy"

Last night I came across a notebook that had a lot of "journal entries" and poems I wrote. I read it, and found the series of text messages that were my ex-boyfriend and I breaking up that I had written out to save for myself, apparently. We broke up almost 5 years ago and weren't even together 2 months. It wasn't all bad, and he was a really good guy. I think we were just on completely different wavelengths and dealing with immensely different problems, so we never truly 'connected.' And I'm bad enough with relationships as it is.

It was just heartbreaking reading some of what he said when I broke up with him. I completely shattered his heart (which I knew, and was reminded of every day for several weeks!), but I realized last night that I've never truly made peace with the fact that I could hurt someone so badly. I think I finally have closure now, realizing that while in a way it *was* my fault for breaking his heart, it is not (entirely) my fault. Things happen, love ensues, love is not reciprocated, love grows, love fades, sometimes love never blossoms at all, and you can't possibly know ahead of time what is going to come of anything.

I came across this song tonight and it reminded me of my ex. At the time, I didn't believe he truly loved me, not that he would lie about it, but it also was never reciprocated by me. I've been over him for a long time, and now I can *finally* stop carrying the guilt for breaking his poor heart. And although he said he couldn't possibly live without me or ever stop loving me, I'm sure he's doing just fine and hopefully he is happy, wherever he is. He deserves it.

it was the best of days, it was the worst of days

I had an unexpected night on Friday, and it was awesome. :)

"Hold my hands

Across your face,

Because I think

Our time has come."

-Marilyn Manson

Also, I was very sad to hear that a friend of mine has a relative who is dying, and I ended up writing a poem about it. Sad, but I had to get my empathy out somehow... Here's the poem.

Despondent and devoid of words,

As it sinks into your soul--

You are suddenly losing her

And you feel you’ll never know

Everything you’ve yet to learn

From her charismatic years,

You keep trying, but you just can’t

Face her with these tears.

Gasping for air as you try to scream,

As it bellows from your heart--

You are suddenly losing her

And you don’t know where to start.

All the life before your eyes

Is frail and sunken in.

All the years you thought you had:

Scattered as ashes in the wind.

Lost in despair as you finally see

There is no other way--

She will soon be leaving,

Though her body will remain.

Condolences won’t even begin

To make up for the cost.

And nothing could ever measure up

To all the life that’s lost.

Weakened by these chains of fate,

Your strength is fading fast--

Light is falling, heart is sinking,

And the time has come at last.

When you can’t stand it anymore,

Take her hand and know

That she has lived a beautiful life,

As you finally let her go.

-KK, 3/10/12

sing song la la la la la

I just wrote another song about stuff that's been on my mind. Another "song" without a melody, and it sounds cliche to me, but I declare it a song nonetheless. Here's an excerpt, my favorite part:

"What could I do, what could I say

To ever make your heart numb to the pain?

When will I know, when will you see

You've turned into the man you're meant to be?"

-KK

Also, it's been a crazy couple of weeks and I'm in uncharted territory. But for once I'm not panicking in the midst of it; I am letting go and enjoying the ride. And I'm loving every second of it <3

so long...

Woke up today with a song in my head from Juliana Theory ("If I Told You This Was Killing Me") after having a terrible dream about my ex boyfriend. This song, however, is much more fitting.

We broke up almost 5 years ago, so he shouldn't even affect me at all now. He wasn't a bad guy, just didn't understand me and my problems at all, which obviously makes a relationship quite difficult. But after I broke up with him, he kept begging me to take him back. Something I've never had to deal with before, and I felt worse and worse each time he came crying to me, begging for another chance, and proclaiming again that he loved me. After going through so much pain growing up, I can't stand putting someone through any pain at all, especially again and again like that. But I didn't cave in and take him back, because that would've been worse for both of us.

Because of all of this, I used to have recurring dreams that he was a hit man trying to kill me and it was like a game to him, so I'd have to go running through strangers' houses and beg for them to hide me as he would slowly make his way from house to house, a torturous way of hunting me down. He also had a sniper. Well I haven't had those dreams in years, but had one last night. And then I woke up feeling like a terrible person yet again. I have to learn that not everything is my fault, and that I am only in control of how I choose to speak my feelings (i.e. breaking up with him). I did it in the nicest way possible, and even said I'd stay friends with him, but that part just didn't work out. I must remember that I will inadvertently hurt people along the way, and that is just the way it is. I don't purposely hurt people and when I do, I try to be as gentle as I can. I need to stop feeing guilty about everything all the damn time.

I think I know why I had this dream, with all that's been on my mind and feeling guilty about things lately. But what I've been dealing with now is also (mostly) out of my control. I can't control my feelings, and I can't control how someone else feels about me. I can only control what happens as a result, and in the end I need to stop putting everyone else before me. If I want something, I need to learn to go for it instead of always holding back because I think I might hurt someone else along the way.

life and death

I really wish I had someone to hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Two deaths in two days... I am choosing life. :(

"Dig out your soul,
'Cause here we go:
We gotta move,
It's what we do.
Let me come through;
Let me take you away
To be where there's life."
-Oasis

RIP Natalie Walker (Nowakowski) and RIP Nate Salentine

You were both people with great spirits, contagious humor, kind hearts, and energy that captured everyone. It was a pleasure to be in track & field with each of you through the years, and simply just to know you both. At least you both lived your lives to the fullest each day, something I plan to follow. May you both rest in peace.

living on the edge

"The best part about 'good enough' is that it's good enough."

I just came across this quote that my friend posted, and it's perfect. At least for me. I've always struggled with low self esteem, never feeling 'good enough,' and even when I think I've managed to be 'good enough,' I feel like I still have a long way to go.

I always imagined I'd have to be extraordinary for somebody to truly want me, and now I've learned that's just silly. I just found out that someone I went to high school with just died, very suddenly. I was never really "friends" with her and she was a year ahead of me, but we were in track together for years so we spent enough time together. She was a very sweet girl with a kind heart, and seemed to have her shit together at an early age. And just like that, she's gone...

I don't want to live the kind of life where I'm constantly holding myself back, waiting until I'm 'good enough,' and wondering if I deserve to be happy. I don't want to push myself to finally feel 'good enough' if I am already good enough in someone's eyes. I am good enough right now, to someone, somewhere... and that is all that really matters.

Life is just too damn short, so go after the things you want, and don't ever settle. Live. Laugh. Love. And make every moment worthwhile. RIP Natalie Walker (Nowakowski)

"Look at the stars--

Look how they shine for you."

-Coldplay

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling, but I'm reveling in the mystery of it all. For once, I'm able to let go and just live in the moment, which has proven pretty great so far. I am being me, and that is all I can do. I have no control over anything else, and I am constantly surprised by all the little things. :)

"Do you think I'm special?

Do you think I'm nice?

Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?"

-OneRepublic

stressssss

I've been really stressed out lately, but I think the nightmares have finally subsided for good. Which is a big relief, because it was taking a lot out of me emotionally. Lots of other stuff going on in my mind, but I'm used to that. I just wish I could shut my mind off when I'm trying to go to sleep.

"And like I really deserve a chance to

Sit across the table,

And tell you that I think you're wonderful,

And I think you're something special..."

-Juliana Theory

Also, I am totally digging this song. This is the first one I've heard off of their new Love albums... and it's fantastic.

Daytona 500!

So excited to watch the race today! Ever since I can remember, my dad has watched races (Indy and Nascar). Then my brother got into it at an early age. I've always enjoyed watching the determination and stamina of the racers. I always hear that racing is "boring" and I can see why people might say that... but it's one of the most dangerous sports so in a way it's more exciting than any other sport. Anyway, watching races takes me back to some of my greatest childhood memories with my dad and brother. So glad I get to watch the whole race, as long as the rain stops!

In other news, life has been very busy... and good. Mostly. :)

I hate it when people try to insert themselves in the middle of a situation, even when you ask them not to. I feel like this is going to be very bad. I have enough going on right now...

I have had mild bouts of insomnia lately, which always comes and goes with me. Just too much on my mind and I've been pretty stressed out. And been figuring out who my true friends are. I also can't believe a person would "forget" to tell their child that a family member has died. WTF

Anyway, I discovered this dude, who is AMAZING on violin. So I've been watching his videos, and then I discovered this. Her voice is awesome.

le sigh

I am trying so hard to tread carefully. This thing has taken me entirely by surprise, but I'm loving every minute of it. However, circumstances are such that I am trying to pull back a little, but I'm finding it very hard to do at times.

I am tired of living my life in such a way where I am constantly worried about doing something wrong and hurting someone's feelings. Obviously I don't try to hurt anyone, but I've lived in a way where I am not really living. And I'm done with that. I want to feel the happiness I know I deserve, without the guilt of simply having these feelings. All I know is that nothing like this has seemed so "easy" for me, or felt so natural and simple. But of course I only know one side of all of this. Only time will tell...

"Oh, should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel? Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't. It's so complicated." -Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

"So then I took my turn,

Oh what a thing to have done."

-Coldplay, "Yellow"

I am finally learning to let go of my past - or rather, to let go of the way it has been affecting me all this time. I am learning to let go of the reigns once in awhile, and actually allow for things to happen. What a difference it makes! It's not to say it isn't terrifying for someone like me who's lived "caged up" my entire life, but to be able to see the benefits immediately is EXTREMELY rewarding. Yes, what a thing to have done!

It's the little things, every day, that show me I am on the right track toward an immense amount of happiness and raw joy. It's the little things that remind me I am a person, I am appreciated, and that I have a purpose. I sure as hell don't have it all figured out yet, but this last year has been such a personal progression for me, to the point where all my friends have been complimenting me on my growth in everything. I may not take compliments well, or believe most of them, but it's hard to argue with a unanimous group of friends so once again, I am letting go of the reigns, and simply enjoying the ride. :)

marchin' on

I have been so busy lately! It's nice, because it keeps my mind from wandering all day long. I've been having extremely vivid dreams lately; it tends to happen when I'm most stressed out or trying to choose a path in life. I think it's my mind's way of working overtime.

I'm trying to "let go" of the wheel of life and deliberately lose control for once. To actually enjoy life, instead of hiding from it like I've always done. It's definitely a work in progress, but I'm slowly getting there. And I'm enjoying just about every minute of it.

Work is good, Madison is good, my 2 adorable bunnies are doing good, my apartment is great, and boys are all around me, haha. I'm trying so hard not to run away from them as usual. That is a big thing I'm trying to give up control over, and to actually allow for chances for things to happen. Hopefully I will succeed. I know what I want, and now I just have to work (really hard) at getting it.

"I'll be your distraction"

I didn't know it was possible to be caught so off-guard, but it's keeping me distracted and in a good mood so I can't complain. :) I'm sure nothing will ever come of this, because that is my luck, and because he is with somebody, but I'm trying to maintain a better attitude this year. As Vince (a coworker) keeps telling me, "don't sell yourself short." So... I'm really trying not to, but I honestly don't know what I even have to offer anyone.

I look at all these beautiful girls that wear lots of make-up and make their hair really pretty, wear dresses, etc., and then I look in the mirror and how can I *not* think the things I think? I don't wear make-up, and I'm not pretty with or without the make-up. My hair is a wavy frizz-ball unless I straighten or scrunch it, and that's about all I know how to do. I don't like dressing up and whenever I do, I'm extremely uncomfortable. Even when I'm "myself" I struggle with low self esteem, and the guys I've dated were mostly assholes so I don't immediately trust guys. And when you mix all of that together, well... guys don't wait around for someone like me. Guys don't say "wow, I bet if I give her a little bit of time and space, she'll be worth it." I want to believe that there are guys who would wait, and somewhere deep in my heart, I think do believe it.