so long...

Woke up today with a song in my head from Juliana Theory ("If I Told You This Was Killing Me") after having a terrible dream about my ex boyfriend. This song, however, is much more fitting.

We broke up almost 5 years ago, so he shouldn't even affect me at all now. He wasn't a bad guy, just didn't understand me and my problems at all, which obviously makes a relationship quite difficult. But after I broke up with him, he kept begging me to take him back. Something I've never had to deal with before, and I felt worse and worse each time he came crying to me, begging for another chance, and proclaiming again that he loved me. After going through so much pain growing up, I can't stand putting someone through any pain at all, especially again and again like that. But I didn't cave in and take him back, because that would've been worse for both of us.

Because of all of this, I used to have recurring dreams that he was a hit man trying to kill me and it was like a game to him, so I'd have to go running through strangers' houses and beg for them to hide me as he would slowly make his way from house to house, a torturous way of hunting me down. He also had a sniper. Well I haven't had those dreams in years, but had one last night. And then I woke up feeling like a terrible person yet again. I have to learn that not everything is my fault, and that I am only in control of how I choose to speak my feelings (i.e. breaking up with him). I did it in the nicest way possible, and even said I'd stay friends with him, but that part just didn't work out. I must remember that I will inadvertently hurt people along the way, and that is just the way it is. I don't purposely hurt people and when I do, I try to be as gentle as I can. I need to stop feeing guilty about everything all the damn time.

I think I know why I had this dream, with all that's been on my mind and feeling guilty about things lately. But what I've been dealing with now is also (mostly) out of my control. I can't control my feelings, and I can't control how someone else feels about me. I can only control what happens as a result, and in the end I need to stop putting everyone else before me. If I want something, I need to learn to go for it instead of always holding back because I think I might hurt someone else along the way.