Better Today

Here is my New Year's resolution...

It's not easy, but it will damn well be worth it in the end. Here's to a good year, once and for all. It sure has been a long time coming...

I love this song, and I hope I can finally let someone in who makes me better, and who opens me up to a world of love I had learned to shut down long ago. *fingers crossed*

something wicked this way comes...

I just experienced the cruelest irony imaginable today, and one that left me almost entirely undone. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought, that's a slap in the face to add to everything else. And just when I thought I was getting somewhere...

In other news, I see that my last post was about Emma, who I was hoping to meet and adopt. I did not get a chance to meet her, but I did adopt another rescued bunny who is super sweet (but still super shy). Her name was Mae, but I've renamed her Anastasia. I will post pictures once they are actually getting along... right now they're still in this horrible 'bonding' process that I keep messing up.

times of change

This is the cutest lop rabbit, ever!

http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/20921947

I filled out the adoption application tonight. They don't go by first come first serve, but by the best fit for the animal (which is smart). However, I really really hope I get to meet Emma's sweet face (if she's not already taken). I requested a "date" for her and Boomerang, because in the end he needs to pick his companion. But I have always been partial to "lop" rabbits, so I hope that it all works out.

In other news... I'm officially on a winter basketball league! I'm really nervous, but I think it will be really fun. And I'm still on a soccer league and we're finally winning some games (no thanks to me!). Hot soccer ref has refereed a few of our games, and he plays some of the pick up games that I play, so that's been fun (even though I am too nervous to say anything to him!). Keeps things interesting at least. And today is officially December... which means it is NOW acceptable to listen to Christmas music, people!

Marchin' On

I love this song so much.

I have been so busy, and it's only going to get busier from here... I'm still on a soccer league. And I've decided to join not one, but TWO winter basketball leagues! They start in January. I got to break in my new bball shoes the other day and it made me so happy. And it snowed today!!! I am so excited for snowboarding season, which is only a month away. :)

I like a guy who I'm sure I don't stand a chance with. Oh well, I'm used to that. I still don't feel like I 'belong' out here in Madison, but I am much happier here than I have ever been in Milwaukee. I just feel like I'm watching everyone else live their lives, while I patiently wait for my life to finally start. At least I'm breaking out of my shell a little bit. I just need to keep marchin' on, and hope that people are patient enough to see that there is more to me than most people get to see.

motivation

I love this song, it's so catchy.

Things have been going really well, and I'm almost beside myself with the luck I seem to be having lately. There is such a powerful feeling of things to come, that I can't ignore it, but still can't get my hopes up yet. I think this could be something really good though.

I forgot how much I love the fall season - as the trees are changing colors, all I want to do is go for a walk with someone and talk and just enjoy the scenery and the crisp cool air. I want to take lots of pictures of the color changes, and I want to start running more often, especially in this weather that is perfect for it. I need motivation, but it seems like I have some of it right in front of me now. :)

the best of you

"Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?"

-Foo Fighters

All my life, I've been trying to figure out how to break free of my old self, morphing into a better version of me. Every time I'm unsuccessful, I think it's because I didn't try hard enough, or because I will just never be able to break free. I've recently discovered that the world is just not ready for it yet, or perhaps I'm just not ready for it yet. But, my time WILL come. And I feel that time is soon, so I wait eagerly for my breakthrough.

I always thought it was odd that I'm more comfortable with some guys I like than with others, thinking I was somehow at fault for not being comfortable enough to "let go," when now I'm realizing that some just couldn't handle a different version of me. Or maybe I know that the person will not be the right kind of person to stand by me when I've morphed into something else. For whatever reason, I've found someone that I honestly think could handle the various shapings of me, and vice versa... but I don't even know if he likes me and that is something I'm trying to stop worrying about for now. I have too much on my mind already, so I will wait until the time is right to give someone the best of me. And I will anxiously wait until I am trusted enough to get the best of somebody in return. I can't wait.

The Eleventh Hour

The Eleventh Hour

“When remorse awakens guilt,

Whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

-from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard

For many years I’ve lived with guilt for causing so much pain. Not only did I somehow manage to rip apart a marriage because I wasn’t strong enough to handle my own problems as a child, but I’ve hurt so many close friends along the way. I think the stronger I strive to be, the more defiant and selfish I become. The transitory battle to get my latent body off the ground and fighting for something always ends in casualties. Butchered feelings, severed relationships, shards of broken memories left in the dust for no one to touch again. “I was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures, such as no language can describe” (Frankenstein, Mary Shelley, p. 94).

I’m always laden with guilt when I’m at my lowest, as if some cruel hand of fate were taunting me still. Sometimes, in all of this, I get completely lost in the smallest things, as if I really had a life worth living. “She is color-mad: brown rocks, yellow sand, gray moss, green foliage, blue sky; the pearl of the dawn, the purple shadows on the mountains, the golden islands floating in crimson seas at sunset, the pallid moon sailing through the shredded cloud-rack, the star-jewels glittering in the wastes of space--none of them is of any practical value, so far as I can see, but because they have color and majesty, that is enough for her, and she loses her mind over them” (The Diaries of Adam and Eve, Mark Twain, p. 159-161). It’s always in the eleventh hour of a commensurate end that I find myself mesmerized at all the beauty and ardor of life surrounding me. The point, I think, is that we must continue to chase the beauty, the incredible wonder and awe immersed into ordinary lives. The point is to live and get what happiness we can each day. “Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there” (The Complete Book of Zingers, Croft M. Pentz, p. 159).

*This is an excerpt from a segmented essay I am currently writing. I especially love the quote I used from "The Diaries of Adam and Eve," which by the way, everyone should read. It's humorous and satirical and just brilliantly written, and it's pretty short. I write for myself, but others seem to enjoy my work so I figured I'd post a little bit of it here. It definitely needs some work though. :)

"I said maybe...

...you're gonna be the one that saves me." (I really love Oasis.)

I'm still playing soccer and basketball, and now tennis. It feels so great to be this active again, especially with people as supportive as this. It's just hard to feel like I can do something, when I have absolutely no confidence in anything I do, but that is a lifetime struggle so it's something I'll always be working on. I think I'm making some progress though.

As for my guy problems... I swear I could be in my own soap opera, the way things are going. I have finally purged some feelings of old, and that is forcing me to deal with newer things. Of course I'm fixated on the most complicated one, and I still honestly am trying to work out my feelings about it all. Then again, I've never been a "simple" one, not nearly so... so maybe I need complicated, because I can relate. Only time will tell.

smile

I love this song so much. This has been such a crazy month, and it's been one extreme to the next. I'm hoping this fall and winter will be much better and that the things I hope for will sort themselves out in due time.

summer days :)

Basketball, soccer, fun at work, a silly rabbit, fantastic guys, great weather, Grey's Anatomy, good music on my mp3 player, great night out with friends from work... I don't want this feeling to go away. The past few weeks have shown me what everyone has been saying for years -- that I really don't give myself enough credit. Still, though, I can't seem to change that.

I've gotten so many compliments lately, but I have trouble believing their sincerity. Because of my lack of self esteem, I really hold back. Especially when it comes to things (or guys) that I should be going towards. And then, it is always too late. I hope someone will wait for me... someone in particular, although I'm sure he doesn't even like me. Or is my luck finally going to change soon?

Anyway, here's a song I absolutely love. Enjoy.

summer's here

I played soccer last week, which I haven't played in FOREVER. And it was excellent, for several reasons. I, however, was not excellent (but that's okay). I forgot how good it feels to get out and do things, especially things that involve running. Now I just need to get in shape!

Boomerang was neutered yesterday, my poor baby. He's doing really well, but he won't let me get a look at the incision to make sure that is doing okay. I just spent 15 minutes trying to gently wrestle with him to get a good look, but he won I guess.

I have been tossing and turning the last few nights, trying to sort things out in my head that probably don't mean anything anyway. I've been smiling a lot lately, and I bet nobody has any idea why. Probably a good thing, because they would just make fun of me.

"And suddenly, you've done it all -- you've won me over, in no time at all."

I played basketball today for the first time in 7 or 8 years. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Of course I'm terrible, but the guys were very nice about it, and I think I provided entertainment at the very least. I need to start running again.

My bunny is getting neutered next week, poor little guy. :( But I think he will stop chewing on the carpeting all the time, which would be excellent. I might have to get him a girlfriend soon.

spring has sprung

I've finally moved to first shift. I'm doing surprisingly well, considering I spent the last 9 months working 3rd shift and had only 1 day off before starting my 6am-2pm schedule. I think I finally found my niche.

And here's one of my favorite pictures I've taken at Lake Kegonsa State Park this year. The colors turned out amazing, and I didn't even use a polarizing filter or edit the picture at all!

I feel so happy and content lately, without any real reason for it. I love spring and all the beauty in nature that goes along with it, so I've been spending a lot of time hiking around State Parks, reflecting on my life. And I have the most adorable rabbit with such a fun personality, so he keeps me pretty darn happy.

parks

I went to the UW-Arboretum on Sunday, 5/15 and saw the most beautiful sunset!

I drove out to Roche-A-Cri State Park on Monday but accidentally left my camera battery at home, still charging. :( At least I had my phone to take a few pictures.

changes

April is finally over, so I feel like I can breathe again. I can't wait until I move into my new schedule. There is something brewing inside me - I can tell this is going to be a big year for me.

Now for one of the absolute favorite photos I've ever taken... taken at the Milwaukee County Zoo in 2010, with my good dSLR. <3

April still sucks, after all these years...

The worst memories of my entire life occurred in April, and still each April turns into a sort of mild depression and I get in a really weird emotional state that is just not healthy. This year was no different. I'm glad it's almost over though.

To add to it all, I've had a lot of nightmares the last 2 months replaying very bad memories. And I got in a car accident Saturday (not my fault, but still). And I'm realizing that I am years and years away from the life I wanted and don't think I have the willpower to ever get there. But then I have these amazingly incredible dreams that seem to taunt me, showing me the life I want but will probably never have. Wake me up when *April* ends? sigh.

Words I need to remember if I'm ever going to have the life I want:

"Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them." - David Hume

I am still absolutely baffled about why anyone likes me to any extent right now. It's kind of like a big cosmic joke. But I'm pretty sure the guy that I like has no interest in me, so maybe that is the big joke (that everyone likes me except for him)? I do hope that by some crazy miracle, I might have a chance with him someday and that I don't ruin the chance. We'll see.

I had so many crazy dreams last night, and I honestly don't think I've ever dreamt so much in one night. A few of them were nightmares but the rest were really nice dreams of portions of a life I wish I had.

I went to the Zoo today and I can't tell you how much I love bison! There aren't any at the Milwaukee Zoo. Then I went to the UW Arboretum. I took a lot of photos and walked for a very long time, clearing out my head. I think I am finally back to a "good place" mentally, so we'll see how long that stays with me.

I think there's something in the water...

...seriously! I am still in shock from finding out how many guys like me at the moment. I think they just don't know me well enough to know better. And the entire time, I can't help but wonder if it's obvious who I like. I always feel like it's blatantly obvious, but I'm hoping it's not. And it's probably the one guy who doesn't like me.

I wish I could just get over all my crazy self esteem issues and relationship issues, and just be happy. I am finally starting to feel content and happy, but it's always mixed in with days of pure discontent and self-loathing. I've had enough of that and it's time to turn and aim for something that would truly make and keep me happy. I think I know what I should be turning to, but I'm terrified of the idea so I'm just stuck for now.

I hiked just over 6 miles today at Lake Kegonsa Sate Park in Stoughton, and I saw 2 cranes up close, about 20 deer, a baby chipmunk, and an owl (in broad daylight)!!! I can't tell you how happy that made me feel. It was like God just showered me with what makes me truly happy, and he is also showering me with people who really think they like me, which probably should make me feel better about myself. I wonder if He is trying to tell me to just let go of everything and let myself be happy for once...

I think there's something in the air.

Went snowboarding last weekend with Dao, and I've finally graduated to beginner hills. It was awesome and I am barely falling now!!!

Now that snowboarding season is over, I need to find a new outdoor hobby. I might get back into biking because I really want to go back to Elroy-Sparta this summer and go camping but I would need to get back in shape or I won't make it very far.

Still haven't seen my little nephew (born March 30th), but I'll see him in 1 week, and I get to be his Godmother! :)

It's getting hard to deny that I might like somebody, but being the way I am nothing would ever come of it even if I somehow had a chance. It makes my days interesting though.

My bunny rabbit is growing up so fast... he is already 6 months old and very very smart. It's amazing watching a little being learn new things and grow before your very eyes. I guess this is what it's like to have a kid (he sure acts like a mix of a puppy and a toddler)!

3rd shift is starting to get the best of me; I've worked it before without repercussions but this time I am always waking up or failing to fall asleep. Change should be coming soon...

I went snowboarding again on Tuesday before work... and I can finally stay standing all the way down the hill!!! (well, 95% of the time). I'm still on the bunny hill, but it gives me hope. We are going back up to Wausau this weekend for 2 more days of snowboarding and then the season is over. My knee is turning black and purple though!!

My 2nd nephew was just born about 30 minutes ago... welcome to this world, little Matthew! Can't wait to meet you. :)

push...

LOVE this song :)

I went up to Wausau to go snowboarding on Sunday, and drove back up there today to board again. I love it so much, I just wish I was good at it already. At least I finally found something that makes me happy again :)

"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand." - Mary Shelley

It's taking everything in me not to run. I get so overwhelmed by a sense of not belonging, of not feeling wanted, of not being memorable, of not being good at anything or good for anybody, that sometimes I just need to run. Usually it's in the form of long drives where I seemingly and metaphorically leave my problems behind, and I always come back with a (false?) sense of renewed visions of a better life.

This time I can't explain it. The one thing that took me by surprise and has me holding on for dear life for something I want but will never get... also has me wanting to run back to where I came from, just to get far enough away from here before I can get hurt. I don't know how much longer I can live in such immense fear like this. sigh.

The bad abrasion on my eye is finally healing, my giant bruises from snowboarding on ice are healing, my headaches have less frequency, my insomnia has kicked in again, I keep getting bad colds, my stress has skyrocketed, and I once again am questioning if I am where I should be geographically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, and still don't feel it. People say I'm unique but they don't know just how replaceable I am. Sometimes I wonder, if I would just pack up and leave without a word, if anyone would really notice...

“When remorse awakens guilt, whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard

Love this song :)

Main Site

crazy week

I've had the biggest highs and lows this week, but the highs were incredible. Here is me trying to snowboard on ice!

And now I wait to see if I really am a pawn of fate... sigh.

eye don't think so...

I woke up to this...

So after work this morning I went to an eye doctor inside of Target. Thank God it's not pink eye!!! Turns out I have a bad abrasion on my eye, so what do I get? Antibiotic / steroidal eye drops to put in 4 times a day, which is really exciting when you can't stand eye drops. They sting like a *#$(&#%(^ too. :(

Ex-Factor

I've posted this before, but I love this song so much. And today I was talking about my ex with a coworker. This song does not relate to the situation I had with my ex at all, but it made me think of the song title. You should all listen because it's a great song by Lauryn Hill and this girl does an amazing cover!

In other news, I am super happy again. I tried snowboarding, something I've always been obsessed with. I was horrible but loved every minute of it, and ended up buying a board.

And met a hot guy (that I will probably never see again because of my incredible shyness and need to run away from all situations like that... sigh).

And love watching my 5-month old bunny rabbit learn new things and find his own strength, and follow me around my apartment.

And I love finally living on my own.

And I am slowly slowly starting to find myself, once and for all. I'm sure this feeling will go away in a few days, but until then I'm riding on this incredible high. :)

look what I got...

A brand new shiny snowboard!!!

miscellaneous

It's sad to know that I haven't even started on any of my New Year's resolutions from my last post. Oh well, I have 10 more months to go.

I was supposed to go snowboarding for the first time today, but the sleet storm ruined my moment. :( Hopefully next weekend will redeem itself.

I went to sleep for a 4-hour nap Saturday morning, and ended up sleeping for 20 hours straight. oops! I sure as hell needed it though. Now I'm all amped up at 6am with nothing to do.

another list of goals for this year...

Things I want to accomplish by the end of this year:

-Finish re-watching the Alias series

-Finish re-watching the Heroes series

-Finish watching all the seasons of Bones

-Finish watching all the seasons of Prison Break

-Finish watching all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy

-Read the entire "Twilight" series

-Read the entire "Harry Potter" series (I've gotten so close to finishing it twice...)

-Read the "Angels & Demons" & "The DaVinci Code" books

-Study through the entire Chemistry textbook I just bought

-Study through my Algebra I and Algebra II condensed study books

-Study through the entire Geometry textbook I just bought

-Take lots of pictures at various State Parks

-Spend a few random days on the UW campus to learn my way around and take pictures

-Save money!!!

Resolutions for 2011

My Many New Year's Resolutions

-Get 2 more tattoos that I've really wanted

-Dye my hair a "crazy" color

-Start writing again

-Bake lots of cakes

-Play guitar more often

-Finally beat the game "1942" on my Commodore 64 or PS2

-Finally learn to snowboard

-Start running again

-Forgive myself for some of the things I have done

-Make new friends, since I seem to have lost most of my old ones

-Visit the Morton Arboretum in Illinois

-Spend a day at Roche-a-Cri state park

-Work on my photography skills

-Take a road trip somewhere far away by myself

-Finally finish the 'Harry Potter' series

-Finally finish the 'Twilight' series

-Finally finish watching 'Prison Break'

-Read all the books I own (that might take forever...)

-Re-teach myself Algebra 1, 2, geometry, and Pre-Calculus

-Re-teach myself Chemistry and Biochemistry

-Re-teach myself Spanish

-Get back to learning Hebrew

-Get back to learning German

-Get back to learning Russian

-Finally find my niche, wherever that may be

There is a big trend of me starting things, but never finishing them. I have no idea if that will ever change, but here's hoping it does.

hair dye!

I seriously want my hair to be like this... It's been roughly 2 years since I've had any "crazy" color combinations in my hair, but the wildest color I ever used was about 2 shades darker than a 'fire engine red' so I really would love to do a crazy color that is not a natural. Either blue or green, but have always fantasized about a black and blue combination (my 2 favorite colors).

classics

In 6th or 7th grade, we had to read this book in school that was really good, and I still think about it often. And sometimes I dream that I am living out this book.

I only remember one "scene" from the book, and possibly one character's name - Jeremy Fisher (I also thought that was the actual book title). I haven't been able to find anything by searching online. It's very possible the book is a moratorium by now, or that I have the name wrong. I don't know why I still feel so moved by the book, but I really wish I could find it again. :(

Another fantastic book that I forgot about is "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card! We read it Sophomore year of HS and I loved it, but forgot about it until very recently. I bought it today, only to find out it's a series of 11 books!!! Makes me wonder why certain books mean so much to me. But it also makes me extremely happy to find 1 out of the 2. Happy New Year, and happy reading to me!!!