"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand." - Mary Shelley

It's taking everything in me not to run. I get so overwhelmed by a sense of not belonging, of not feeling wanted, of not being memorable, of not being good at anything or good for anybody, that sometimes I just need to run. Usually it's in the form of long drives where I seemingly and metaphorically leave my problems behind, and I always come back with a (false?) sense of renewed visions of a better life.

This time I can't explain it. The one thing that took me by surprise and has me holding on for dear life for something I want but will never get... also has me wanting to run back to where I came from, just to get far enough away from here before I can get hurt. I don't know how much longer I can live in such immense fear like this. sigh.

The bad abrasion on my eye is finally healing, my giant bruises from snowboarding on ice are healing, my headaches have less frequency, my insomnia has kicked in again, I keep getting bad colds, my stress has skyrocketed, and I once again am questioning if I am where I should be geographically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, and still don't feel it. People say I'm unique but they don't know just how replaceable I am. Sometimes I wonder, if I would just pack up and leave without a word, if anyone would really notice...

“When remorse awakens guilt, whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard