another list of goals for this year...

Things I want to accomplish by the end of this year:

-Finish re-watching the Alias series

-Finish re-watching the Heroes series

-Finish watching all the seasons of Bones

-Finish watching all the seasons of Prison Break

-Finish watching all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy

-Read the entire "Twilight" series

-Read the entire "Harry Potter" series (I've gotten so close to finishing it twice...)

-Read the "Angels & Demons" & "The DaVinci Code" books

-Study through the entire Chemistry textbook I just bought

-Study through my Algebra I and Algebra II condensed study books

-Study through the entire Geometry textbook I just bought

-Take lots of pictures at various State Parks

-Spend a few random days on the UW campus to learn my way around and take pictures

-Save money!!!

Resolutions for 2011

My Many New Year's Resolutions

-Get 2 more tattoos that I've really wanted

-Dye my hair a "crazy" color

-Start writing again

-Bake lots of cakes

-Play guitar more often

-Finally beat the game "1942" on my Commodore 64 or PS2

-Finally learn to snowboard

-Start running again

-Forgive myself for some of the things I have done

-Make new friends, since I seem to have lost most of my old ones

-Visit the Morton Arboretum in Illinois

-Spend a day at Roche-a-Cri state park

-Work on my photography skills

-Take a road trip somewhere far away by myself

-Finally finish the 'Harry Potter' series

-Finally finish the 'Twilight' series

-Finally finish watching 'Prison Break'

-Read all the books I own (that might take forever...)

-Re-teach myself Algebra 1, 2, geometry, and Pre-Calculus

-Re-teach myself Chemistry and Biochemistry

-Re-teach myself Spanish

-Get back to learning Hebrew

-Get back to learning German

-Get back to learning Russian

-Finally find my niche, wherever that may be

There is a big trend of me starting things, but never finishing them. I have no idea if that will ever change, but here's hoping it does.

hair dye!

I seriously want my hair to be like this... It's been roughly 2 years since I've had any "crazy" color combinations in my hair, but the wildest color I ever used was about 2 shades darker than a 'fire engine red' so I really would love to do a crazy color that is not a natural. Either blue or green, but have always fantasized about a black and blue combination (my 2 favorite colors).

classics

In 6th or 7th grade, we had to read this book in school that was really good, and I still think about it often. And sometimes I dream that I am living out this book.

I only remember one "scene" from the book, and possibly one character's name - Jeremy Fisher (I also thought that was the actual book title). I haven't been able to find anything by searching online. It's very possible the book is a moratorium by now, or that I have the name wrong. I don't know why I still feel so moved by the book, but I really wish I could find it again. :(

Another fantastic book that I forgot about is "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card! We read it Sophomore year of HS and I loved it, but forgot about it until very recently. I bought it today, only to find out it's a series of 11 books!!! Makes me wonder why certain books mean so much to me. But it also makes me extremely happy to find 1 out of the 2. Happy New Year, and happy reading to me!!!

Boomerang!

You may call me a crazy cat (bunny) lady, but that's okay.

Honestly, if all that was on this planet besides me was animals, that would be enough for me. I connect so much more with animals than with people, and most people can't understand what that's like. Oh well...

Twilight

I am reading the "Twilight" saga, and I've only ever read the first book. I had sworn I would never read the books because so many girls were obsessed with the series. However, I succumbed out of curiosity and a friend's suggestion, about a year ago. And I have never felt so moved, so existent, as I did by "Twilight." Never was I so invested in a character, never felt so paralleled to one, never felt that I would make so many of the exact same choices as a character in a given situation, think the same thoughts, wish for the same things, etc., as Bella.

I am reading "Twilight" again, and once again I can't stop smiling as I see the passion unfolding. I'm not sure quite what has me so enthralled, but I believe it's the intensity. I've lived such an uneventful life, much like Bella had, and I only want love -- unconditionally. I want exquisite, whole, unrequited, passionate, intense, and eternal love. I know that if/when I let myself succumb to someone's love like that, it really will be the only love I can feel. It won't matter what he is, or what he has done, or what he wishes to do. It will only matter that he loves me, unconditionally, despite my enormous insignificance. He will become my life, and nothing else will matter, simply because he loves me with every particle of his being.

As pessimistic as I am, reading a book like this makes me realize I can't be made, in all my compassion and cursed empathetic magnetism, for nothing. I can't have a desire so strong, only to have a God mock me for my eternity. Books like this, characters like this, visions of the different lives I want to live out, they all tell me that there is something for me, somewhere. "There's got to be something for my soul somewhere." -from "Music & Lyrics


I can't wait to see how the rest of the story unfolds for Bella (please don't ruin anything for me!!!), but I would like to believe that love will win over any other battle. That love will, truly and finally, conquer all.

winter wonderland

I'm so happy it's snowing!!! I'm also excited that I finished all of my Christmas shopping before December. And that I have a 2 month old rabbit who is the cutest thing ever. And that I have a giant apartment all to myself.

I have a 5-day weekend off work now. I plan to finally read the Twilight saga, watch some movies, clean the apartment, and mainly stay curled up on the couch the entire time. It's going to be great.

Soul Asylum

This weekend I found a bunch of mix CDs that I made many years ago. One of them had "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum, which is still one of my all-time favorite songs. Every time I listen to it, I think about my life so far, and all the things I could have done differently.

Today I heard Pachelbel Canon on the radio, which is probably my favorite instrumental song, ever. And I imagined my own wedding, and just started crying my eyes out. It's funny how you can want something so badly and at the same time feel repulsed by the thought of physically being a part of a life like that. I know in my heart that I can never get that close to anybody, despite my hopes and dreams. And for some reason, I will never know why. But I can still daydream...

somewhere in between

I've moved, but I am still not going anywhere; I feel stuck and I am not sure how to get out of this. I'm exhausted from fighting these uphill battles that I've been fighting for so long. It's always the same fight, no matter where I am or who I am up against. And it's incredibly tiring.

The irony is that the harder I try to fight these battles, the more of what they say becomes true in my eyes. I am worthless, I am expendable, I am ordinary. I am passionate about things that don't matter, and cold about the things that do. I am average. I am clueless. I don't care enough. I care too much. And I am broken beyond repair.

I need a clean break, but can't seem to pick myself up and just move on. I know what would make me happy, but I also know I don't deserve it. So how am I supposed to get myself out of this one?

"This is over my head but underneath my feet,

'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat

And everything will be back to the way it was--

I wish that it was just that easy...

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?

Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.

I don't want to run away from this,

I know that I just don't need this..."

-Lifehouse, "Somewhere In Between"

hope for the hopeless

I've always been pessimistic, but I am trying to alter that. And what better time to try, then when I am moving away from the only life I've known? There is so much to be hopeful for out here. :)


"I've just begun a new phase--
I'm trying these days.
I've watched you close,
I'm versed in all your ways;
I'm just beginning to realize
I'll get you one of these days..."
-Rilo Kiley

Starting Over

I've grown and learned so much since I graduated from UW-Whitewater in December 2005. I've made and lost so many friends since then, and honestly felt like I even lost myself. Then I went through a very painful experience 3 years ago, and I couldn't even recognize myself after that. I've only recently come out of that, but was still suffocated by everything else.

I transferred to Madison 3 weeks ago, keeping the same job, with the intent of going back to school soon. I still wonder if I made the right decision, but everything points to 'yes'. I've already met some great people, settled in at work, have a place to stay in the interim, and have an awesome apartment for October where I will finally be able to breathe. My entire life, I've felt suffocated. I don't even know how to breathe anymore, and I don't know how much longer I could have lasted.

Already, there is friendship. Already, there is hope for things to come. Already, there are butterflies. Already, the stress has vanished. I am truly happy, and I only just got here. I can't wait to see what is out here for me, once I finally start living my life.

The 2 lamps I ordered are here, and my parents picked up my nesting tables from IKEA yesterday. I bought a vacuum cleaner last week. And my shoe rack should be here by Tuesday. I'm getting so excited!

People don't understand what I am going through emotionally this month. This is not just 'moving' for me. But it will get me back to square one, and I can finally live life. I've been so emotional about this, but things are already showing promise in Madison. And there are some really great people :) I just hope that all of the false perceptions of me dissipate quickly, because I'm starting to wonder if some of it is true...

Tomorrow I'm going to Indian Summer Festival in Milwaukee, and then packing. Next weekend is a wedding and more packing. The weekend after that is my last weekend to pack, and the 1st weekend of October I'm officially moving to Madison!!!

Moving On

After 27 years, I feel I am finally "moving" in life. I've been stuck at home, stuck in bad friendships, stuck in an emotionally bad place, my entire life. After all the times I said I'd do something about it.... well I finally am.

I transferred to a job in Madison and am staying with a good friend of the family while I work, until I can move into my apartment in October. It's surreal boxing up my entire life, bit by bit, on the weekends when I come back home. But I know I will finally be happy once I'm fully moved out. After all the years of suffocation, I will finally be able to breathe, and I can't ask for anything more than that! :)

I am still nervous about moving to Madison, because I have 2 friends out there and that's it. I don't know anyone else. I know that I will, but it still sucks leaving all your friends behind. I think, in the end, this is the best decision I've ever made for myself. And now my brother and his wife are expecting another child!!! Joey just turned 2 years old, and the next little one is due in June. I can't wait. :)

My laptop is FINALLY virus free. My sleep schedule is all messed up. My foot keeps cramping from my stupid clog boot shoes. My hair is screaming for a new hair color. My phone interview went well (I think). My nephew turns 2 years old on Sunday. My "1st cousin once removed" just had a baby. I finally learned what a "1st cousin once removed" even is. I got to pet the bunnies at State Fair. I found the perfect bookcases online. I get to spend the weekend in Michigan!

Brokedown Palace

In recent years, I've taken to a life of solitude and disarray. I've halted the little social life I had, by choice, and have sort of hoped no one would even notice. I've gone through more than I have a heart to go through, and inadvertently shut myself out of "life" because of it.

Though I am still dealing with what I am dealing with, things are finally turning around. I've decided that it is time to step out of this, and to live. My entire life, I can't tell you one time I was really "living," and this quote says it so well:

"How dull it is to pause, to make an end, to rust unburnished, not to shine in use! As though to breathe were life..." -Alfred Lord Tennyson

I know there is more out there for me, even though I sure don't deserve anything. But I know I can do a little bit better than this life I am living now. I am working on it. *fingers crossed*