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I bought my mom a birdbath for Mother's Day. She absolutely loved it, and I can't wait to see all the birdies enjoying it! Of course I pick out one that is made out of concrete and weighs 182 pounds...

I made it 27 years without you, Allergies, so why did we ever have to meet? bahhhhh

Also, I found my absolute dream condo... now if only I was rich.

Karen's dream house

I got to mow the lawn today... ugh Also did 3 loads of laundry, baked cinnamon buns, doing dishes, cleaning the house, paying bills, etc. I'm tiiiiiired. But I'm going to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit tomorrow with my dad, and then we're probably perusing downtown.

Also, I love this song.

Happy Easter!

I got to see my nephew this morning! They got to our house late last night but were all asleep when I got home from work. Joey woke me up at 8am today. He kept pushing buttons on the phone/answering machine, so we told him that he couldn't do that. What did he do? Push the buttons with his nose! It may have been the funniest thing I've ever seen a kid do (that wasn't on tv). Then I took a 6 hour nap, oops.

"Imagine a pie that my future self bakes, and then sends back in time to my pre-past self... but I can't eat it because the ingredients don't exist yet, so I have to make my own ingredients." -Stormy from Sealab 2021

I've been watching season 5 of LOST this weekend, and it is making me reminisce about my life and my goals and all that good stuff. And it makes me sad. I hate losing people in my life, whether via death or just falling outs. I've been thinking a lot about the last few good friends from my life, and how even though I'm a better person without them, I can't stand not having them in my life. I guess I've finally grown up more though, because I am constantly resisting the urge to go back to them.

It's ironic, because recently I've accumulated a few people that won't leave me alone. Those who know me well, know I am easily suffocated. So no, I don't enjoy people who keep seeking me out, sitting by me, trying to hunt me down every day when I clearly don't want them to. Now if I could just have a flash of light so that I could jump to the past, and fix a few of these things...

I bought an iPhone! It's great so far. I also finally succumbed to Twitter. I'm officially a lemming now... http://twitter.com/krbear104

I am enjoying 3 days off in a row and catching up on stuff. After the way the last 2 weeks have been, I don't want to see or talk to a single person for several weeks. ugh I've been planning a vacation for myself and I really think I'm going. It would probably be for June, but I am getting so excited. I will also go to Michigan soon to see my nephew again :)

I just watched Up In The Air, and it made me think we should start firing people the same way, everywhere. It was a good movie. It also made me think that I should just one day decide to take a trip out of spontaneity. I am excited for the snow we're getting this weekend, but then I can't wait for spring so I can use my macro lens with my new camera on flowers and bugs! Road trip to the arboretum in IL with Becca?? I think so!!!

Today I called in Absent at work, for the first time since I've been a supervisor (7 months). I just needed a personal day. I did a ton of errands, paid all my bills, took a shower, did 2 loads of laundry, read part of a book, watched Couples' Retreat, started watching 3:10 to Yuma, and took care of my mom the entire day. It's still a full-time job in and of itself.

My dad got home from work around 6:30, so I can finally relax. I found my Nintendo DSi and am charging it as I write this so I can finally play the game I bought a month ago -- Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box! Later I will probably start reading the last Harry Potter book from the beginning, and hope to finish it tomorrow. And do more laundry, and dishes, and bake, and watch another movie, and take care of my mom all day again. sigh.

"Don't ever be someone's slogan,

Because you are poetry."

-from 28 Days

fate, by any other name, is still not sweet

My bestest friend ever, and I, stopped talking years ago and there were a lot of reasons why. Now she keeps trying to creep back into my life but for once I am holding my ground. The problem is that I feel like a horrible person everytime I put my foot down with her. I'm so sick of this feeling.

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that my life will not end up how I want it to. My heart has always 'been on hold' for a certain person, but I'm realizing he's not the BEST for me (especially after very recent events), even though I love him to death and have known him for many crazy years. It just makes me sad to realize we probably won't end up together in the end, like we always thought we would.

"Here it comes, ready or not--

We both found out it's not how we thought

That it would be, how it would be.

If the time could turn us around,

What once was lost may be found

For you and me, for you and me..."

-Lifehouse, "It Is What It Is"

"I close my eyes and all that I can see

Is someone who I'm never gonna be."

-Lifehouse, "Crash and Burn"

In the last month or so, I've been asked out 5 times, had 2 people tell me they have a crush on me (one person told me 2 days in a row), and was possibly asked out by a girl. I have no idea what is going on, I am so good at avoiding things like this that now I am afraid to talk to anybody, because these were all quite surprising incidents.

I got in a horrible fight today over the stupidest thing, but it was worth it to get a night out and drink with friends. Too bad Sam left Captel, but at least she will get awesome traveling discounts! I think the rest of this month is going to be surreal for so many reasons.

My phone contract is up next week, I'm still trying to decide what provider to go with and what phone to get. Not sure if I want a touch screen, but they all look nice. My first priority (especially after tonight) is still moving out. A new phone can wait. Now it's just sucking it up and dealing with the fights about moving, packing everything, and just moving on.

migraines suck

After 3 1/2 days of migraines, and 1 day of horrible bloody noses (which are extremely rare for me), now I have a bad cold! ughhhhh I also am starting to think I need glasses -- I've been getting headaches much more frequently, and it's always after lots of TV or computer stuff or long drives (I'm fine with close-up stuff thank god). I had perfect vision last time I got checked, but that was freshman year of hs, but that was 13 years ago! I really really really don't want glasses, but it would be better than constant headaches!

Greg Nowaczynski gave me some CDs to listen to, and one of them is Glassjaw. I can't believe I've never listened to them before! They are fantastic. Now I have 10 bills to pay, muffins to bake for my mom, 2 loads of laundry to do tonight, dishes to wash, and then I want a nap! I also have to figure out what phone I want, since my contract is up in 14 days :)

Also, I love this song by Jimmy Eat World, and by serendipity came across this awesome girl on Youtube, her covers are fantastic. So here she is.

Ever since the winter x-games, all I can think about is how I've wanted to snowboard for 10 years, and still haven't tried it. I ski occasionally, but I used to skateboard (barely) and think I'm much more suited for a type of board. I just have to find somebody who snowboards well who can teach me.

I am planning a vacation for myself, 2 vactions actually. One won't be till at least 2011, I want to get SCUBA lessons and certified first. The other one is for closure from mourning, which doesn't exactly make it a 'vacation,' but it is something that I've decided I need to do. I think I've figured out how to make it a happier adventure, too. So I'll start planning that. It will be nice to go somewhere and be by myself.

I just spent 4 days in Madison visiting one of my best friends. Her daughter is so precious, and has me wrapped around her finger. Every time I see her (or my nephew), it reminds me how much I want a family someday.

I am starting to look at apartments again, I want to move by June hopefully. The next few months are going to be horrible for personal reasons, there is too much going on that I am barely dealing with, without trying to find a place and move. But if I don't move soon, I think I might finally break...

"I just wanna get out;

Stuck inside of this

Waiting for something else.

Waiting to exist--

Can you offer me help?

Help from what I missed,

I missed..."

-Our Lady Peace, "Do You Like It"

snowpocalypse!

Today I didn't have to work because I switched some shifts with somebody. I woke up at 2pm, snowblowed the 5+ inches in the driveway, watched Dodgeball, payed 8 bills, snowblowed the driveway again, cleaned my room, played guitar, played Rock Band, played some Mario Bros. wii, did 3 loads of laundry, and now I'm watching some Numb3rs episodes and baking brownies. It was a good day.

My parents are still in Michigan because of the weather, they were supposed to be home today. They will probably make the long voyage home tomorrow if the winds aren't too bad with the snow. But now I have to work 8 days in a row, and then I'm going to Madison to visit Libby!!!

go let it out...

Today my good friend Mary came over, I haven't seen her in a year. She's exactly the person I needed to talk to about everything that is going on, so while I'm still in a bad mood, I feel better to let it out.

I played a bunch of songs tonight on guitar that I haven't played in quite awhile. Worship songs, and one I wrote years ago, because Mary prayed for me and then it was all I wanted to sing. She also gave me back a book I gave her like 4 years ago I forgot about, "Troubling Deaf Heaven." It's a book about feeling like God is ignoring you. And it's something I struggle with every time I get back my spiritual mindset.

Right now I'm apathetic, and my fingers hurt from playing guitar for so long. I'm disappointed that I'm not really good at anything, and I feel like the last 8 years of my life were wasted, and I don't ever feel appreciated, and I feel that I am likable but truly unloveable, and that is a bad combination of things to think about.

"When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my fate..."

-Shakespeare, from Sonnet 29

new beginnings

I've made an updated list of goals; I refuse to let another year go to waste.

-Find an apartment and move out!!!

-Start jogging again

-Start biking again

-Go up to Elroy-Sparta for a few days

-Learn to snowboard, if Ryan and Chris will finally teach me

-Make it through all the Rock Band songs for the drums on "Expert"

-Get the tattoo I've wanted

-Get back some sort of a social life

-Write another song (it's been awhile since I wrote a whole one)

-Get a digital piano whenever I move out

-Write another creative nonfiction essay

-Learn to change my guitar strings finally

-Read and finish the Harry Potter series for once

-Stop hiding from the guy I like

And last but not least...

-become a certified SCUBA diver

-book a vacation to the Maldives by myself :)

I swear I got 5,000 things done today at work... but I had 6,000+ things I had to get done today. I hate the feeling of never catching up on stuff, but I am doing 3x the work and taking care of stuff for 115 people instead ~35 people, and am not getting to work any extra hours during all of this. I also had 2 team meetings today, which take a lot out of you. At least it's officially my weekend now. :)

I decided I want to take a solo vacation to the Maldives sometime this year. They have monsoons so I have to look up when I could even go. I've always wanted to learn to scuba dive, and that is the perfect place to dive... so I may be taking a class soon to get certified. I'm sure my parents will flip if I go anywhere far away, especially somewhere halfway around the world, by myself. Oh well, I need to get away from life for awhile, and from EVERYBODY, before I lose it.

I'm so glad I canceled my classes this semester. I need some free time, and I need to get back some sort of a social life. I need to move out. I need to let myself enjoy things like weekends, friends' birthdays, crushes, zoo outings, breaking free, etc.