I hate it when people try to insert themselves in the middle of a situation, even when you ask them not to. I feel like this is going to be very bad. I have enough going on right now...

I have had mild bouts of insomnia lately, which always comes and goes with me. Just too much on my mind and I've been pretty stressed out. And been figuring out who my true friends are. I also can't believe a person would "forget" to tell their child that a family member has died. WTF

Anyway, I discovered this dude, who is AMAZING on violin. So I've been watching his videos, and then I discovered this. Her voice is awesome.

le sigh

I am trying so hard to tread carefully. This thing has taken me entirely by surprise, but I'm loving every minute of it. However, circumstances are such that I am trying to pull back a little, but I'm finding it very hard to do at times.

I am tired of living my life in such a way where I am constantly worried about doing something wrong and hurting someone's feelings. Obviously I don't try to hurt anyone, but I've lived in a way where I am not really living. And I'm done with that. I want to feel the happiness I know I deserve, without the guilt of simply having these feelings. All I know is that nothing like this has seemed so "easy" for me, or felt so natural and simple. But of course I only know one side of all of this. Only time will tell...

"Oh, should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel? Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't. It's so complicated." -Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

"So then I took my turn,

Oh what a thing to have done."

-Coldplay, "Yellow"

I am finally learning to let go of my past - or rather, to let go of the way it has been affecting me all this time. I am learning to let go of the reigns once in awhile, and actually allow for things to happen. What a difference it makes! It's not to say it isn't terrifying for someone like me who's lived "caged up" my entire life, but to be able to see the benefits immediately is EXTREMELY rewarding. Yes, what a thing to have done!

It's the little things, every day, that show me I am on the right track toward an immense amount of happiness and raw joy. It's the little things that remind me I am a person, I am appreciated, and that I have a purpose. I sure as hell don't have it all figured out yet, but this last year has been such a personal progression for me, to the point where all my friends have been complimenting me on my growth in everything. I may not take compliments well, or believe most of them, but it's hard to argue with a unanimous group of friends so once again, I am letting go of the reigns, and simply enjoying the ride. :)

marchin' on

I have been so busy lately! It's nice, because it keeps my mind from wandering all day long. I've been having extremely vivid dreams lately; it tends to happen when I'm most stressed out or trying to choose a path in life. I think it's my mind's way of working overtime.

I'm trying to "let go" of the wheel of life and deliberately lose control for once. To actually enjoy life, instead of hiding from it like I've always done. It's definitely a work in progress, but I'm slowly getting there. And I'm enjoying just about every minute of it.

Work is good, Madison is good, my 2 adorable bunnies are doing good, my apartment is great, and boys are all around me, haha. I'm trying so hard not to run away from them as usual. That is a big thing I'm trying to give up control over, and to actually allow for chances for things to happen. Hopefully I will succeed. I know what I want, and now I just have to work (really hard) at getting it.

"I'll be your distraction"

I didn't know it was possible to be caught so off-guard, but it's keeping me distracted and in a good mood so I can't complain. :) I'm sure nothing will ever come of this, because that is my luck, and because he is with somebody, but I'm trying to maintain a better attitude this year. As Vince (a coworker) keeps telling me, "don't sell yourself short." So... I'm really trying not to, but I honestly don't know what I even have to offer anyone.

I look at all these beautiful girls that wear lots of make-up and make their hair really pretty, wear dresses, etc., and then I look in the mirror and how can I *not* think the things I think? I don't wear make-up, and I'm not pretty with or without the make-up. My hair is a wavy frizz-ball unless I straighten or scrunch it, and that's about all I know how to do. I don't like dressing up and whenever I do, I'm extremely uncomfortable. Even when I'm "myself" I struggle with low self esteem, and the guys I've dated were mostly assholes so I don't immediately trust guys. And when you mix all of that together, well... guys don't wait around for someone like me. Guys don't say "wow, I bet if I give her a little bit of time and space, she'll be worth it." I want to believe that there are guys who would wait, and somewhere deep in my heart, I think do believe it.

Better Today

Here is my New Year's resolution...

It's not easy, but it will damn well be worth it in the end. Here's to a good year, once and for all. It sure has been a long time coming...

I love this song, and I hope I can finally let someone in who makes me better, and who opens me up to a world of love I had learned to shut down long ago. *fingers crossed*

something wicked this way comes...

I just experienced the cruelest irony imaginable today, and one that left me almost entirely undone. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought, that's a slap in the face to add to everything else. And just when I thought I was getting somewhere...

In other news, I see that my last post was about Emma, who I was hoping to meet and adopt. I did not get a chance to meet her, but I did adopt another rescued bunny who is super sweet (but still super shy). Her name was Mae, but I've renamed her Anastasia. I will post pictures once they are actually getting along... right now they're still in this horrible 'bonding' process that I keep messing up.

times of change

This is the cutest lop rabbit, ever!

http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/20921947

I filled out the adoption application tonight. They don't go by first come first serve, but by the best fit for the animal (which is smart). However, I really really hope I get to meet Emma's sweet face (if she's not already taken). I requested a "date" for her and Boomerang, because in the end he needs to pick his companion. But I have always been partial to "lop" rabbits, so I hope that it all works out.

In other news... I'm officially on a winter basketball league! I'm really nervous, but I think it will be really fun. And I'm still on a soccer league and we're finally winning some games (no thanks to me!). Hot soccer ref has refereed a few of our games, and he plays some of the pick up games that I play, so that's been fun (even though I am too nervous to say anything to him!). Keeps things interesting at least. And today is officially December... which means it is NOW acceptable to listen to Christmas music, people!

Marchin' On

I love this song so much.

I have been so busy, and it's only going to get busier from here... I'm still on a soccer league. And I've decided to join not one, but TWO winter basketball leagues! They start in January. I got to break in my new bball shoes the other day and it made me so happy. And it snowed today!!! I am so excited for snowboarding season, which is only a month away. :)

I like a guy who I'm sure I don't stand a chance with. Oh well, I'm used to that. I still don't feel like I 'belong' out here in Madison, but I am much happier here than I have ever been in Milwaukee. I just feel like I'm watching everyone else live their lives, while I patiently wait for my life to finally start. At least I'm breaking out of my shell a little bit. I just need to keep marchin' on, and hope that people are patient enough to see that there is more to me than most people get to see.

motivation

I love this song, it's so catchy.

Things have been going really well, and I'm almost beside myself with the luck I seem to be having lately. There is such a powerful feeling of things to come, that I can't ignore it, but still can't get my hopes up yet. I think this could be something really good though.

I forgot how much I love the fall season - as the trees are changing colors, all I want to do is go for a walk with someone and talk and just enjoy the scenery and the crisp cool air. I want to take lots of pictures of the color changes, and I want to start running more often, especially in this weather that is perfect for it. I need motivation, but it seems like I have some of it right in front of me now. :)

the best of you

"Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?"

-Foo Fighters

All my life, I've been trying to figure out how to break free of my old self, morphing into a better version of me. Every time I'm unsuccessful, I think it's because I didn't try hard enough, or because I will just never be able to break free. I've recently discovered that the world is just not ready for it yet, or perhaps I'm just not ready for it yet. But, my time WILL come. And I feel that time is soon, so I wait eagerly for my breakthrough.

I always thought it was odd that I'm more comfortable with some guys I like than with others, thinking I was somehow at fault for not being comfortable enough to "let go," when now I'm realizing that some just couldn't handle a different version of me. Or maybe I know that the person will not be the right kind of person to stand by me when I've morphed into something else. For whatever reason, I've found someone that I honestly think could handle the various shapings of me, and vice versa... but I don't even know if he likes me and that is something I'm trying to stop worrying about for now. I have too much on my mind already, so I will wait until the time is right to give someone the best of me. And I will anxiously wait until I am trusted enough to get the best of somebody in return. I can't wait.

The Eleventh Hour

The Eleventh Hour

“When remorse awakens guilt,

Whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

-from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard

For many years I’ve lived with guilt for causing so much pain. Not only did I somehow manage to rip apart a marriage because I wasn’t strong enough to handle my own problems as a child, but I’ve hurt so many close friends along the way. I think the stronger I strive to be, the more defiant and selfish I become. The transitory battle to get my latent body off the ground and fighting for something always ends in casualties. Butchered feelings, severed relationships, shards of broken memories left in the dust for no one to touch again. “I was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures, such as no language can describe” (Frankenstein, Mary Shelley, p. 94).

I’m always laden with guilt when I’m at my lowest, as if some cruel hand of fate were taunting me still. Sometimes, in all of this, I get completely lost in the smallest things, as if I really had a life worth living. “She is color-mad: brown rocks, yellow sand, gray moss, green foliage, blue sky; the pearl of the dawn, the purple shadows on the mountains, the golden islands floating in crimson seas at sunset, the pallid moon sailing through the shredded cloud-rack, the star-jewels glittering in the wastes of space--none of them is of any practical value, so far as I can see, but because they have color and majesty, that is enough for her, and she loses her mind over them” (The Diaries of Adam and Eve, Mark Twain, p. 159-161). It’s always in the eleventh hour of a commensurate end that I find myself mesmerized at all the beauty and ardor of life surrounding me. The point, I think, is that we must continue to chase the beauty, the incredible wonder and awe immersed into ordinary lives. The point is to live and get what happiness we can each day. “Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there” (The Complete Book of Zingers, Croft M. Pentz, p. 159).

*This is an excerpt from a segmented essay I am currently writing. I especially love the quote I used from "The Diaries of Adam and Eve," which by the way, everyone should read. It's humorous and satirical and just brilliantly written, and it's pretty short. I write for myself, but others seem to enjoy my work so I figured I'd post a little bit of it here. It definitely needs some work though. :)

"I said maybe...

...you're gonna be the one that saves me." (I really love Oasis.)

I'm still playing soccer and basketball, and now tennis. It feels so great to be this active again, especially with people as supportive as this. It's just hard to feel like I can do something, when I have absolutely no confidence in anything I do, but that is a lifetime struggle so it's something I'll always be working on. I think I'm making some progress though.

As for my guy problems... I swear I could be in my own soap opera, the way things are going. I have finally purged some feelings of old, and that is forcing me to deal with newer things. Of course I'm fixated on the most complicated one, and I still honestly am trying to work out my feelings about it all. Then again, I've never been a "simple" one, not nearly so... so maybe I need complicated, because I can relate. Only time will tell.

smile

I love this song so much. This has been such a crazy month, and it's been one extreme to the next. I'm hoping this fall and winter will be much better and that the things I hope for will sort themselves out in due time.

summer days :)

Basketball, soccer, fun at work, a silly rabbit, fantastic guys, great weather, Grey's Anatomy, good music on my mp3 player, great night out with friends from work... I don't want this feeling to go away. The past few weeks have shown me what everyone has been saying for years -- that I really don't give myself enough credit. Still, though, I can't seem to change that.

I've gotten so many compliments lately, but I have trouble believing their sincerity. Because of my lack of self esteem, I really hold back. Especially when it comes to things (or guys) that I should be going towards. And then, it is always too late. I hope someone will wait for me... someone in particular, although I'm sure he doesn't even like me. Or is my luck finally going to change soon?

Anyway, here's a song I absolutely love. Enjoy.