I went to the doctor this morning, so my pain is much better already. I took a 3-hr nap today, I didn't realize how much I needed it until I woke up.

I wish that I could help a certain someone - take away his pain. I'm terribly worried about him. He's going through more than anyone should at this age, but I guess I'm in that same position too. Which is probably why we're so good for each other. Or are we?

Here's my "theme" song, one of probably 5 that I have. She's one of my favorite artists, and she's sort of my Amerian Idol. I wish I had her style, looks, voice, charisma, energy, and perseverance. Enjoy.

updations

I'm in lots of pain, literally and figuratively. Hopefully going to the doctor tomorrow because this is pretty bad...

I got my Halloween costume today! I can't wait for Halloween this year, it's going to be exciting.

Trying to tour some apartments this week, I just wish I had more time to find a place.

School is going great. I can already see a vast improvement in my photos, and the current assignment is very challenging, but also the kind that makes you find your own creative eye / style. So I'm looking forward to finding my very own creativeness.

Almost fell asleep at 9pm and now I'm wide awake again. Insomnia is almost like a part-time job LOL

wake me up when September ends...

October is going to be a good month, or at least it better be. I'm hopefully moving then, and for the 2nd time in 10 years - dressing up and going out for Halloween! I think I finally decided on a costume.

I have a new-found love of hiking. I take 74 photographs for class each week, so I try and go to different places. State parks are the best, or just walking all over downtown. Today I went to Lapham Peak State Park and hiked on the Ice Age trail, it was so pretty and it's great for soul-searching when you're by yourself with an mp3 player.



"I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now..."
-Oasis, "Wonderwall"

undulations

I'm doing really well in my PHOTO class, my professor loves my pictures. Which is impressive, because I've never taken a photo that wasn't completely auto-everything, and never knew how to take a "good" picture. It's a really good class.

My good friend, her husband, and daughter are coming tomorrow (today) to visit MKE for the weekend, I can't wait! I'm taking them to the zoo, the children's museum, and probably discovery world and around the lakefront.

The guy I like and I have both had a really rough month so far, but at least it's brought us closer. I just hate to see him so sad and defeated, knowing I can't save him from all this pain.



"It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last..."
-30 Seconds to Mars

"Too much of the same stories in our lives;
I think it's time for a change, don't you?"
-Trapt, "Stories"

to every season, turn turn turn

Things are starting to get quite interesting, but I promised myself I wouldn't get too optimistic yet.

I am happy in the allusion of things to come, and that is good enough for now. Especially after such awful weeks, and since Septembers haunt me. I need to break this cycle of bad karma that has followed me, and make a clean break toward happiness. Things could go back to how they've always been, but there is a sliver of evidence that things are finally beginning to turn...

"Can't believe that I feel
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming,
But I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall;
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold onto anything
This good enough..."
-Evanescence

Little by little

When you can't hold in your tears anymore, and the apathy starts to wear off - watch Legends of the Fall. It will make you cry it all out, and you won't really feel better after, but it's still quite the dispensation.

It's one of my favorite movies, but it's a downer movie. After my talks with Ryan about life and such, I needed to watch it. Now I'm in a depressing funk, but at least I finally got it all out of my system. The relief of it all will come tomorrow.


Today I walked all over the Botanical Gardens and then Whitnall Park itself. And then I walked 55 blocks around downtown! All for my Photography class. What an adventure that was after walking from 2nd St. up to 24th St., and then realizing I had to walk alllllll the way back. But I just kept going around after that. It's made me realize how much I miss being active; I miss playing sports, dancing, canoeing, riding my bike, rollerblading, and stress running. I think I'm going to start some of those again. I really want to go back on the Elroy-Sparta bike trail in the next year anyway, and haven't ridden my bike in 13 years, so I should probably start with that. We'll see how that goes...

feeling loved, for once in my life

Today I hung out with the one person who understands me better than I understand myself. It's been so long since we've been able to hang out, and it's been a bad few weeks, so this was really good.

Ryan loves me for who I am, not who I try to be around others. He laughs at my blonde moments and doesn't make me feel stupid afterward. He knows my good qualities, and tries to bring them out more often, and he tries to help me work on my other ones. He knows what my pet peeves are, and respects them well enough, yet is constantly pushing boundaries with me to help us both grow.

And he's still so sweet to me after all these years, that I wonder what I ever did to deserve it. Tonight he brought up (I can't believe he remembers this) our pact to get married at 30 if we're still single... it's funny because I always imagined we'd end up together, and days like today make me believe we will. But no matter what, he is my best friend and I love that boy to death.

vertical horizon

This year has been really hard on me, and I feel like I've been falling apart all year. Today was a mini-vacation, I'm up in Mauston for a friend's wedding reception, and staying overnight. Just sucks that I had a migraine when I got up here, and had to nap for about 3 hours to make it go away. But Jeanne was beautiful, and I finally met Gift!

I've spread myself so thin for so long, trying to please everybody. And now that I'm slowly trying to make myself happy, it doesn't feel right. I was thinking about that on the 150 mile drive up here, and that's probably how I got the migraine in the first place.

I'm so excited about tomorrow. My parents happen to be in the Dells this weekend which is super close to me, so when I check out of my hotel, I'm meeting them at the International Crane Foundation in Baraboo.

Then I'm coming back to Mauston to go to Roche-A-Cri State Park :) It looks super awesome, and I need some alone time to just hike and walk around in nature. I have to take a bunch of pictures for my Photography class outside anyway, so I just hope it doesn't rain again. After that, I'm going to Elroy to try and get some pictures of people (also for class), I love the bike trails out there. Then if the weather is okay I'm stopping at Aztalan Park by Lake Mills to take more pictures, and then coming back to Milwaukee. It should be a good day!


"By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes,
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry--
And there's something less about her...
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too,
And don't let her see.

And she says oooh
I can't take no more.
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down,
'Cause I can't help her now--
She's down in it;
She tried her best and now she can't win, it's
Hard to see them on the ground:
Her diamonds falling down.

She shuts out the night,
Tries to close her eyes.
If she can find daylight
She'll be all right
She'll be all right,
Just not tonight..."
-Rob Thomas, "Her Diamonds"

August 22nd

Happy 1st birthday to my nephew!!! Joey loved his birthday cake, isn't that obvious?!

busy bee

Things are getting a bit craaazzzzzy. My nephew's 1st bday is this weekend, so I have to figure out what he's getting for his bday and wrap the presents and stuff by Thursday. Also, school starts next week, so I need to start getting ready for that. And next weekend I'm going up by the dells for a friend's wedding reception / mini vacation. Can't wait!

Since I'm on vacation this weekend, I have to make sure my work is up to date so I don't get too far behind in my weekend off. And Eli picked a bad time to take a 10-day vacation! I'm doing all his work for him while he's gone, so it's been busy busy busy.

And in a few weeks my good friend and her family are coming to visit from Madison, so I can't wait to show them around downtown and take them to the zoo!

personality

I've realized recently how different my personality is depending on who I am with or who I am talking to. But deep down, I'm still mostly the same no matter what.

I finally succumbed to the Myers-Briggs personality test (the shortened version), and was amazed at how perfectly accurate this is.



I am... ENFJ (Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judgment)
You are warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. You are highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. You find potential in everyone, and want to help others fulfill their potential. You may act as a catalyst for individual and group growth. You are loyal, and are responsive to praise and criticism. You are sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership. Famous people with your same ENFJ personality include: Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Dick Van Dyke, Diane Sawyer, Peyton Manning, Pete Sampras, Johnny Depp, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.



"I'll stay with you.
The walls will fall before we do.
Take my hand now--
We'll run forever.
I can feel the storm inside you;
I'll stay with you..."
-Goo Goo Dolls

staying positive...

is not easy, but I am going to try anyway.

I had so much fun going out to a bar last night; in the last year I've had 2 glasses of wine, and that's it. I was always busy, on meds, or had no one to drink with, or just wasn't in the mood to drink. Alas, my tolerance is now really low which makes for cheap drunkenness :) I also forgot that I like to drunk text, it's fun remembering who you all texted later that night.

I have a better job and a perfect work schedule. A fun class that starts in 2 weeks, & a nephew who's just about 1 year old!!!! I can't wait to spend his 1st bday with him. Also, a good friend from college got married a year and a half ago to a guy from Africa, and for over a year he was unable to move to the states, so they spent their first married year on opposite ends of the world. A few months ago he finally came here to make a home with her, and now they're having a wedding reception the end of August. Which makes for an overnight vacation for me, in a really nice hotel room so I can actually relax and just get away from things. I'm really excited to finally meet Gift and to see them together. :)

Also, Meghan is probably the coolest friend ever... who else would have as crazy of guy problems as I do?! Seriously, we were meant to be friends, because no one else in the world would understand our boy issues. And Rebecca is just awesome, she's my concert buddy and says she'll learn to dance hip hop with me! And even though Josh is moving out of state, he's been one of my truest friends. And Phay is an amazing friend as well, she is so self-giving and caring, even to people she barely knows. It's really a rare characteristic. And the boys are genuine and on a constant mission to change my ways. It makes for interesting days. If only things would stay this good forever...

This sounds ridiculous, but my parents getting a Facebook acct has been horrible on me. And now someone else is being an asshole about the whole f'ing situation.

I went out drinking for the first time in about a year tonight, to see a good friend before he moves out of state. And of course that led to pointless bickering, like how dare I go out and have fun. I almost can't stand it anymore.

I must have been adopted because I swear my family is all one and the same, and then I'm clearly on the opposite end of the sprectrum, and none of them can figure out what is wrong with ME. Obviously, conformity has never been my thing. Befriending for the sake of befriending, not anymore. Letting my family in on my personal life via Facebook when I don't let them in on my personal life in person... think about that for a minute and you'll have your answer.

crazy week!

I'm glad tomorrow is my Friday; I've had a crazy bad week. Today I was in a great mood on the way to work, but everything went downhill fast. At least my team meeting went well. And Eli gave me a cool nickname today.

I can't believe that after all this time, only a few people really understand where I'm coming from. And recently, I found someone else who gets me. Really gets me. I can't tell you how good that feels, knowing I don't have to explain a thing to him. It's oddly uplifting.

I wish I could post this video, because it's one of the songs that describes me perfectly, but the embedding is disabled, so check it out anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LKUVkRAmPs

polaris

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I've been holding so much in, and this has been one of the worst weeks in years. I've been to more funerals than most have been to their whole life. I've known more people dying of cancer than anyone should bear to know. I've dealt with more fights than a lifetime should allow. I've faced a world that doesn't believe me, and doesn't believe in me. I'm so tired of it all.


"But you're killing everything in me;
I'm done, there's nothing left to show--
I try but can't let it go.
Are you happy where you're standing still?"
-Jimmy Eat World, "Polaris"