snowpocalypse!

Today I didn't have to work because I switched some shifts with somebody. I woke up at 2pm, snowblowed the 5+ inches in the driveway, watched Dodgeball, payed 8 bills, snowblowed the driveway again, cleaned my room, played guitar, played Rock Band, played some Mario Bros. wii, did 3 loads of laundry, and now I'm watching some Numb3rs episodes and baking brownies. It was a good day.

My parents are still in Michigan because of the weather, they were supposed to be home today. They will probably make the long voyage home tomorrow if the winds aren't too bad with the snow. But now I have to work 8 days in a row, and then I'm going to Madison to visit Libby!!!

go let it out...

Today my good friend Mary came over, I haven't seen her in a year. She's exactly the person I needed to talk to about everything that is going on, so while I'm still in a bad mood, I feel better to let it out.

I played a bunch of songs tonight on guitar that I haven't played in quite awhile. Worship songs, and one I wrote years ago, because Mary prayed for me and then it was all I wanted to sing. She also gave me back a book I gave her like 4 years ago I forgot about, "Troubling Deaf Heaven." It's a book about feeling like God is ignoring you. And it's something I struggle with every time I get back my spiritual mindset.

Right now I'm apathetic, and my fingers hurt from playing guitar for so long. I'm disappointed that I'm not really good at anything, and I feel like the last 8 years of my life were wasted, and I don't ever feel appreciated, and I feel that I am likable but truly unloveable, and that is a bad combination of things to think about.

"When in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself and curse my fate..."

-Shakespeare, from Sonnet 29

new beginnings

I've made an updated list of goals; I refuse to let another year go to waste.

-Find an apartment and move out!!!

-Start jogging again

-Start biking again

-Go up to Elroy-Sparta for a few days

-Learn to snowboard, if Ryan and Chris will finally teach me

-Make it through all the Rock Band songs for the drums on "Expert"

-Get the tattoo I've wanted

-Get back some sort of a social life

-Write another song (it's been awhile since I wrote a whole one)

-Get a digital piano whenever I move out

-Write another creative nonfiction essay

-Learn to change my guitar strings finally

-Read and finish the Harry Potter series for once

-Stop hiding from the guy I like

And last but not least...

-become a certified SCUBA diver

-book a vacation to the Maldives by myself :)

I swear I got 5,000 things done today at work... but I had 6,000+ things I had to get done today. I hate the feeling of never catching up on stuff, but I am doing 3x the work and taking care of stuff for 115 people instead ~35 people, and am not getting to work any extra hours during all of this. I also had 2 team meetings today, which take a lot out of you. At least it's officially my weekend now. :)

I decided I want to take a solo vacation to the Maldives sometime this year. They have monsoons so I have to look up when I could even go. I've always wanted to learn to scuba dive, and that is the perfect place to dive... so I may be taking a class soon to get certified. I'm sure my parents will flip if I go anywhere far away, especially somewhere halfway around the world, by myself. Oh well, I need to get away from life for awhile, and from EVERYBODY, before I lose it.

I'm so glad I canceled my classes this semester. I need some free time, and I need to get back some sort of a social life. I need to move out. I need to let myself enjoy things like weekends, friends' birthdays, crushes, zoo outings, breaking free, etc.

weird day

Today I was asked out several times by one guy, had another guy getting jealous, and then had to ask another guy for advice about the guy I actually do like... it was a really weird day.

I took a nap before going out tonight, and woke up with bad chest pains. They still haven't gone away and now I'm freaking out about it. I hope it's just something minor that goes away tomorrow. And now I'm so tired and exhausted but can't shut off my mind, so I know I'll be up for quite awhile. At least I have off Saturdays!

"Oh this is the start of something good,

Don't you agree?

I haven't felt like this in so many moons,

You know what I mean?"

-Gavin DeGraw

questions

I've had several migraines this month and was told some pretty awful news this week, as well as everything else that has been going on at work. I decided to drop the classes I was going to take this semester, because I just need a break. I'd rather focus on finding a place to move instead.

I wish I could shut my mind off here and there, because I'm always thinking too much and that just can't be good. I wish I could figure certain things out, but I guess only time will tell. I want to know if certain things are just in my head or not. I want to know why my left eye keeps burning. I want to know why people worry so much about me. I want to know why my family tells me the super important things all matter-of-factly. I want to know why my car whistles like a door is ajar, when it's not. And I want to know why I am always so tired but can't ever seem to sleep.

"Just a twist in time,

And you could be mine..."

-Savage Garden

Starting over

This was the worst week I've ever had, and I'm still facing the repercussions of it all. People blame me for their own actions, it's amusing to say the least. I was blessed to have people truly sticking up for me and looking out for me through all of this, something I haven't had in a long time. What's done is done, and it doesn't matter who you blame.

I found out some stuff this week as well, and I have just been trying to get through the days one at a time. I don't know if I can handle anymore chaos this month. On a good note, today is my birthday. We went out last night, and I can't tell you how much I needed it. I was surrounded by great people and had a lot of fun, and I can't ask for much more than that. :)

"I've tried to hide it so that no one knows,

But I guess it shows

When I look into your eyes..."

-BSB

changes

I swear I have a curse, or something like it. I tried so hard to be positive this month and everything keeps crumbling around me. And now I caused a giant rift that is probably going to come back and hit me, and people are just now starting to stand up for me about what has happened. Days like today I spend my lunch walking around outside, just so I can breathe. I've had enough of it all. It's time for a new beginning.

I swear I'm going to try and be more positive, stop letting things get to me so much, stop letting people walk all over me and then play the sympathy card, so that I can actually have the energy to deal with all the family and personal problems I'm already dealing with. I'm going to stop having nightmares so I can actually sleep, stop having stress migraines, and I'm going to do what I need to do in order to finally be happy for once in my life.

"This is over my head

But underneath my feet,

'Cause by tomorrow morning

I'll have this thing beat..."

-Lifehouse

This has been a really really lousy start to a new year, and I'm done pretending to be friends with people who keep walking all over me. I just hate days like today when you can't even fake a smile, but you keep trying to because everyone talks to you at work.

Work has been atrocious lately, but also it's getting interesting... we'll see what comes of it all soon enough. I have to thank Becchi for being such a good friend and looking out for me like she does. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. Pasia and Becchi talked me into going out for my birthday next week, so at least I can just go out and relax for once, and forget about all the drama.

New Year's Goals

I made a list of some goals for this year, I need something to look forward to.

-Read the Harry Potter series, and actually finish the last book

-Start running again

-Go 6 months without dyeing my hair

-Get another tattoo

-Go biking on Elroy-Sparta, if I can find people to go with

-Write an essay worth publishing

-Get a digital piano

-Move out!

-Stop running from the good things in life

May this finally be my year, since the last 4 were not. As a bonus, here is one of my favorite songs to play on guitar. :)

karma police...

...where are they when you need them?! This year better have something in store for me, because the last 3 years were filled with terrible things and lots of tears. I swear I can't take much more... I feel like my life has been so stagnant that I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. And I feel like I'm suffocating, but that's nothing new.

For once I'm looking forward to my birthday. I haven't gone out in forever, and Pasia says we should all go out for my birthday so I guess I'll have to think of a place to go. I do need a night out, that's for sure.

"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,

So why am I ten feet under and upside down?

Barely surviving has become my purpose,

Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface."

-Lifehouse, "Storm"

I finally got sucked into the Twilight book... Bella is so parallel to me it's incredible. I finished the book today and might have to start on the 2nd book tonight. It made me think about my current situations, and how my actions will play out for everyone else.


I just ordered a MacBook Pro laptop last night. Macs are so backwards, but much more suited for image and design files, and they are mechanically much more durable. I also caved and bought an iPod Nano - you can even get it engraved for free!! Also found that I get student discounts with Apple :) So merry xmas / happy birthday to me.


I'm not at all prepared for this coming week, but I suppose I brought it all on myself. I deserve every bit of it, at least I know that. I have 2 weeks of school left, then I get to have an early xmas with my brother and his family in Michigan. Joey always makes me light up; kids are so innocent and precious it almost makes you forget about anything else but love.


"Little by little,
You have to give it all in all your life."
-Oasis

The last 4 months have been filled with horrible things, and the culmination of it all is almost unbearable. But "this too, shall pass"... hopefully soon. At least it is finally snowing: cheers me up just enough.



"No reason nor rhyme,
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things.
I'm so much afraid--
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made."
-Jars of Clay

looking for redemption...

I registered for View Camera Techniques... that class will be quite interesting. My current photo class is going really well, I'm almost done with my semester project already, and I got 100% on my final exam!

Work is... going. I'm so busy all the time, but it seems I really do prioritize well. Things are getting interesting again. Interesting and horribly dramatic.

I know most of what I'm getting for xmas and my birthday, I can't wait! I won't get xmas off, but hopefully I can get some other days off to go spend it with my nephew. It's so crazy that he's walking already!!!



"You can stop 'caring' as you call it,
And I'll be fine right here.

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you,
I don't think I need you..."
-Jars of Clay

wonderwall

I finally got my dSLR camera in the mail, but am waiting for the macro lens. I do have the telephoto lens, but I don't want to haul that around when I first play with the camera. The camera is quite intimidating, since it's a "professional" camera and much bigger than a normal SLR body. Still need a tripod and the macro lens, and then I will have so much fun :)


I know it's crazy, but I'm getting up at 5:30am tomorrow to get out to Saukville just after sunrise to take pictures of trees for my semester project. I also have to collect a bunch of leaves, if I can find any, so I can photograph them in the studio. I got my studio still-life slides back, they turned out amazing! Still have to take 1 more roll, of my bridesmaid dress & shoes, and then 2 rolls of Studio portraits of a girl from class. Then I'm all caught up. I really think I may change my degree to photography... think I'll take View Camera Techniques next semester and that should seal the deal, or not. I feel like I'm finally pretty good at something.


"All of the stars have faded away;
Just try not to worry--
You'll see them someday."
-Oasis