Soul Asylum

This weekend I found a bunch of mix CDs that I made many years ago. One of them had "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum, which is still one of my all-time favorite songs. Every time I listen to it, I think about my life so far, and all the things I could have done differently.

Today I heard Pachelbel Canon on the radio, which is probably my favorite instrumental song, ever. And I imagined my own wedding, and just started crying my eyes out. It's funny how you can want something so badly and at the same time feel repulsed by the thought of physically being a part of a life like that. I know in my heart that I can never get that close to anybody, despite my hopes and dreams. And for some reason, I will never know why. But I can still daydream...

somewhere in between

I've moved, but I am still not going anywhere; I feel stuck and I am not sure how to get out of this. I'm exhausted from fighting these uphill battles that I've been fighting for so long. It's always the same fight, no matter where I am or who I am up against. And it's incredibly tiring.

The irony is that the harder I try to fight these battles, the more of what they say becomes true in my eyes. I am worthless, I am expendable, I am ordinary. I am passionate about things that don't matter, and cold about the things that do. I am average. I am clueless. I don't care enough. I care too much. And I am broken beyond repair.

I need a clean break, but can't seem to pick myself up and just move on. I know what would make me happy, but I also know I don't deserve it. So how am I supposed to get myself out of this one?

"This is over my head but underneath my feet,

'Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat

And everything will be back to the way it was--

I wish that it was just that easy...

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?

Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.

I don't want to run away from this,

I know that I just don't need this..."

-Lifehouse, "Somewhere In Between"

hope for the hopeless

I've always been pessimistic, but I am trying to alter that. And what better time to try, then when I am moving away from the only life I've known? There is so much to be hopeful for out here. :)


"I've just begun a new phase--
I'm trying these days.
I've watched you close,
I'm versed in all your ways;
I'm just beginning to realize
I'll get you one of these days..."
-Rilo Kiley

Starting Over

I've grown and learned so much since I graduated from UW-Whitewater in December 2005. I've made and lost so many friends since then, and honestly felt like I even lost myself. Then I went through a very painful experience 3 years ago, and I couldn't even recognize myself after that. I've only recently come out of that, but was still suffocated by everything else.

I transferred to Madison 3 weeks ago, keeping the same job, with the intent of going back to school soon. I still wonder if I made the right decision, but everything points to 'yes'. I've already met some great people, settled in at work, have a place to stay in the interim, and have an awesome apartment for October where I will finally be able to breathe. My entire life, I've felt suffocated. I don't even know how to breathe anymore, and I don't know how much longer I could have lasted.

Already, there is friendship. Already, there is hope for things to come. Already, there are butterflies. Already, the stress has vanished. I am truly happy, and I only just got here. I can't wait to see what is out here for me, once I finally start living my life.

The 2 lamps I ordered are here, and my parents picked up my nesting tables from IKEA yesterday. I bought a vacuum cleaner last week. And my shoe rack should be here by Tuesday. I'm getting so excited!

People don't understand what I am going through emotionally this month. This is not just 'moving' for me. But it will get me back to square one, and I can finally live life. I've been so emotional about this, but things are already showing promise in Madison. And there are some really great people :) I just hope that all of the false perceptions of me dissipate quickly, because I'm starting to wonder if some of it is true...

Tomorrow I'm going to Indian Summer Festival in Milwaukee, and then packing. Next weekend is a wedding and more packing. The weekend after that is my last weekend to pack, and the 1st weekend of October I'm officially moving to Madison!!!

Moving On

After 27 years, I feel I am finally "moving" in life. I've been stuck at home, stuck in bad friendships, stuck in an emotionally bad place, my entire life. After all the times I said I'd do something about it.... well I finally am.

I transferred to a job in Madison and am staying with a good friend of the family while I work, until I can move into my apartment in October. It's surreal boxing up my entire life, bit by bit, on the weekends when I come back home. But I know I will finally be happy once I'm fully moved out. After all the years of suffocation, I will finally be able to breathe, and I can't ask for anything more than that! :)

I am still nervous about moving to Madison, because I have 2 friends out there and that's it. I don't know anyone else. I know that I will, but it still sucks leaving all your friends behind. I think, in the end, this is the best decision I've ever made for myself. And now my brother and his wife are expecting another child!!! Joey just turned 2 years old, and the next little one is due in June. I can't wait. :)

My laptop is FINALLY virus free. My sleep schedule is all messed up. My foot keeps cramping from my stupid clog boot shoes. My hair is screaming for a new hair color. My phone interview went well (I think). My nephew turns 2 years old on Sunday. My "1st cousin once removed" just had a baby. I finally learned what a "1st cousin once removed" even is. I got to pet the bunnies at State Fair. I found the perfect bookcases online. I get to spend the weekend in Michigan!

Brokedown Palace

In recent years, I've taken to a life of solitude and disarray. I've halted the little social life I had, by choice, and have sort of hoped no one would even notice. I've gone through more than I have a heart to go through, and inadvertently shut myself out of "life" because of it.

Though I am still dealing with what I am dealing with, things are finally turning around. I've decided that it is time to step out of this, and to live. My entire life, I can't tell you one time I was really "living," and this quote says it so well:

"How dull it is to pause, to make an end, to rust unburnished, not to shine in use! As though to breathe were life..." -Alfred Lord Tennyson

I know there is more out there for me, even though I sure don't deserve anything. But I know I can do a little bit better than this life I am living now. I am working on it. *fingers crossed*

Hello, it's been awhile.

My life has been so chaotic the last few months, most of which I don't want to talk about. I feel like I need a week long retreat, camping in the wilderness, by myself. Sort of like those Native American dream journeys, I forget what they are really called. To find your inner animal or to hear the Great Spirit speak. I could really use one of those...

We had another tornado last night, I was home alone and had to spend 2 hours in the basement. We also had flash flood warnings for hours. This is crazy. I just watched Ever After, one of my favorite movies. I never noticed the song that plays during the credits, but it really hit me just now so I will post the lyrics.

"Put Your Arms Around Me" by Texas

Are you ready,

And maybe are you willing to run?

Are you ready to let yourself drown?

Are you holding your breath?

Are you ready or not?

Are you ready?

Maybe do you long to confess?

Do you feel that you're already numb?

Are you sure of yourself?

Would you lie if you're not?

You tire me out.

Don't want to let that happen.

A secret scream so loud.

Why did you let that happen?

Ooh, ooh

So put your arms around me.

You let me believe...

That you were someone else.

Ooh ooh ooh

'Cause only time can take you.

So let me believe...

That I am somewhere else.

Maybe are you ready to break?

Do you think that I push you too far?

Would you open yourself?

Are you reckless or not?

You tire me out.

Don't want to let that happen.

A secret scream so loud.

Why did you let that happen?

Ooh ooh ooh

So put your arms around me.

You let me believe...

That you were someone else.

Ooh, ooh

'Cause only time can take you.

So let me believe...

That I am somewhere else.

Let me believe...

That I am somewhere else.

So put your arms around me.

So put your arms around me.

Make me believe.

Take me, take me...

Somewhere,

Somewhere...

so much is on my mind...

I found my Plus One CDs! It's a Christian band so most of you won't care. But anyway, their music has spoken to me so strongly since I first listened to them back in college. Their songs still make me cry sometimes (but lots of songs do).

I have so many decisions to make right now and like everyone, no way to gauge if my choices will be good or bad. I've been feeling stuck, suffocated, for the last 6 or 7 years, and I don't know how else to explain it but that music like this (not even just Christian music) sort of frees me again.

All I've been focused on lately is the desire to go back 4 years and make very different choices in my life, but these CDs reminded me that I have to accept my life up to now, and just focus on re-directing it to a better place. Like, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." It's always good to be reminded of that. :)

"It's not too late, it's almost over--

If you'll just wait you'll feel it lifting off your shoulders.
So keep believing, the sun always
Promises a new day;
It'll stop the rain, break the chains
And chase the pain away."

-Plus One

hey soul sister

I finally watched "Where The Wild Things Are." I just bought the book for my nephew! The movie was much better than I thought it would be, and they actually kept it true to the book. Here's my newest guitar, so pretty and I love abalone.

So glad I had an entire week off from work and a mini vacation. My nephew is getting so grown up already... he can run, say some words, turn book pages 1 by 1 (instead of 3 or 4), and he can dance!

I went to the Botanical Gardens today to finally play with my new camera (I bought it in December?). I can't believe how much is already in bloom.

tweet

I bought my mom a birdbath for Mother's Day. She absolutely loved it, and I can't wait to see all the birdies enjoying it! Of course I pick out one that is made out of concrete and weighs 182 pounds...

I made it 27 years without you, Allergies, so why did we ever have to meet? bahhhhh

Also, I found my absolute dream condo... now if only I was rich.

Karen's dream house

I got to mow the lawn today... ugh Also did 3 loads of laundry, baked cinnamon buns, doing dishes, cleaning the house, paying bills, etc. I'm tiiiiiired. But I'm going to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit tomorrow with my dad, and then we're probably perusing downtown.

Also, I love this song.

Happy Easter!

I got to see my nephew this morning! They got to our house late last night but were all asleep when I got home from work. Joey woke me up at 8am today. He kept pushing buttons on the phone/answering machine, so we told him that he couldn't do that. What did he do? Push the buttons with his nose! It may have been the funniest thing I've ever seen a kid do (that wasn't on tv). Then I took a 6 hour nap, oops.

"Imagine a pie that my future self bakes, and then sends back in time to my pre-past self... but I can't eat it because the ingredients don't exist yet, so I have to make my own ingredients." -Stormy from Sealab 2021