There's so many things I want to spend money on right now, it's ridiculous. Namely:
-classes I don't need to take
-a new Zune
-a decent SLR 35mm camera
-Nintendo DS lite (buying tomorrow?)
-a good sewing machine

I want a sewing machine (hell must be frozen!) because I recently learned how to sew things, such as blankets & pillows. I've made 3 decorative pillows, 2 fabric baby books, and 2 no-sew blanket throws. I have 2 blankets to make tomorrow, as well as 2 no-sew blanket throws to make soon.


I don't sleep anymore... Sometimes I honestly don't know if I'm awake, and have to literally pinch my arm (I haven't been this bad in 2 years). This morning I dreamt that I was 9 months pregnant and in half-labor. The nurses made me walk to "help the baby move down" and then I was alone in a room pacing, freaking out b/c I hadn't settled on a baby name yet!!! Ironic, since I have about 15 boys' AND 15 girls' names picked out!!

I woke up with my body feeling exactly like it did in the dream (except for contraction pains!); I felt so exhausted I could barely move any part of my body, and it's just now wearing off! It was so strange...

randomness, as always

I found out that I didn't get into my program for Fall, and I was pretty bummed about it. But I realized there's 4 classes I really want to take, and now I can. Mainly, Fundamental Photography.

My mom's cousin came to visit from CA last week, and it was great... except for the fact that my mom was always talking about the dead and dying. And with nothing to assuage that, it was a very difficult week for me.

I got my taxes done... getting $4,314 back total!!! There's so many things I want to spend that money on...

And this is extremely random, but at the Museum, I found a brochure for an Arboretum that I really want to go to -- in Lisle, IL. I've always been oddly obsessed with trees, usually lone, barren ones. But this place has hiking trails, driving roads, and 1700 acres! Perhaps I will venture out there this summer, if I can find someone to go with. www.mortonarb.org

praying for a clean break

I tried really hard since I got back from vacation to start thinking / being more positive... and God really threw that back in my face.

I feel like I'm losing control of myself, at least more so than usual. The odd "remedies" that usually "fix" me just don't seem to cut it anymore, which makes me feel even more worthless and broken. And this week proved just how broken I still am. I guess I didn't realize how damaging this has been on me all these years...

"I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted.
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you."
-Hawk Nelson, "Everything You Ever Wanted"

I feel like I have been constantly slammed against a wall for a week straight. And this time it's been more brutal on me than in the past.

My last call tonight reminded me so much of something that still haunts me, even in my sleep. So I barely made it out of the elevators before I started crying. And once I got in my car, I completely lost it.

Why do I literally walk away from the one thing I want, over and over and over again? Why does it feel like every inch of me is ripping apart when I try NOT to walk away for once? But why am I so happy about it even when my body feels like that? I'm sick of these panic attacks or whatever they are. I've never really had them before... this. And in the rare moments my mind freezes, I feel that this is actually attainable. Which is a new feeling for me. But the minute I try to walk towards it... sigh. By now I've probably lost my chance anyway.



"This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out."
-Goo Goo Dolls, "Sympathy"

It's always nice to be reminded that the things you do, no matter HOW you do them... you are doing them wrong. And people wonder why I have no self esteem....

It makes me realize, though, that I have no chance of getting certain things. I don't deserve them. So I guess at least it's a wake up call (as well as emotional short circuiting). I almost cried twice today at work, during calls, just thinking about things that have been said to me. And I did cry the whole way home. It's not fair. No wonder I have such a hard time letting people in.

"There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun."

-Matthew West, "Only Grace"

I'm officially blond again and hate it. I should have been studying all week for my final exam, but just don't care (my class ends Thurs). I miss my nephew like crazy.

Sadness draws me to the cemetery again lately, but it just makes me more sad. My nightmares are starting up again, and I wake up in a cold sweat, and tears. Can't sleep hardly at all anymore, or wake up over and over through the night.

But I had a great ending to a very tiring day. :) I have off of work now for a week and a half! Going to Madison to babysit, then leaving Saturday for Missouri with a friend for a week. Back to work next Sunday!


"I'm not the one who broke you;
I'm not the one you should fear.
What do you got to move you darling?
I thought I lost you somewhere."
-Goo Goo Dolls

sigh...

Verse 1
Staring out the window of my cubicle tonight,
Wondering where you are among all these city lights.
Am I on your mind?
Do you miss me?
Wish you'd give me a sign.
Do you want to kiss me?
I really try--
But no matter what I do
I freeze up inside
When I see you.

Verse 2
Staring at the ceiling, still trying to fall asleep;
Try to forget you but I'm already in too deep.
My feelings are strong--
Am I crazy?
Do I have it all wrong?
Do you like me baby?
It's hard to see
When I run and hide;
I just want to be
By your side.

Verse 3
When you're near, I get so nervous I can barely stand.
Can't breathe, but all I want to do is take your hand.
Would it make you happy?
Do you feel the same?
Please don't let me
Sing this in vain.
Don't you see--
I'm so attached.
I want you baby;
Be mine at last.


Chorus
Every corner I turn, I hope to see
You standing there, waiting for me.
I hide my feelings deep inside,
But you've got to see it in my eyes.
Baby can't you see it's true--
I don't want anybody else but you.

Today I had the perfect opportunity, and I still couldn't say hello. What is wrong with me?? (I hate being so ungodly shy.)

Also, as I've said, sometimes I can "see" what someone is feeling or whatever. Well today when I looked at someone's eyes, I saw weariness.... (physical and mental) exhaustion, unhappiness, and determination. Exanimate... I just wish I could have said something to change that, because this person seems like they deserve so much more out of life than that.

"I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now."
-Oasis

"Breathless"

Verse 1
Do you know that I see you
Every time you pass me by?
I've gotten so good at hiding it,
But I see everything
Out the corner of my eye.
As the hour passes I listen
For the sound of your approaching voice.
As it nears, I try to focus--
To seem indifferent,
But I just want to rejoice.

Chorus
I'm already hooked--
Can't you see?
You keep taking the
Breath out of me.
I'm infatuated--
I'm spinning fast,
Waiting to fall
Into your arms at last.

Verse 2
Do you know I think about you
In the middle of the night?
The sweetest dreams I ever had,
So some of it
Just has to turn out right.
As a new day breaks I wait
For the bittersweet reality
To wake me from my happiness
And bring new hope
In all of its entirety.

Chorus
I'm already hooked--
Can't you see?
You keep taking the
Breath out of me.
Intoxication--
Spinning so fast,
Waiting to fall
Into your arms at last.

hopeless fascinations

I'm still trying very hard not to get my hopes up, but it's getting more and more difficult. I have been smiling all day, and it feels fantastic, after everything I've been feeling for so long. I'm sure nothing will ever come out of this, and I especially hate how I pretty much make it impossible for anything to come out of this. But I love the way I feel today, in the midst of a micrometer of hope. I'm so damn happy whenever I think about this, but I can guarantee I'm sending all the wrong signals outward... as usual. sigh.


"And when you looked into my eyes
I felt a sudden sense of urgency.
Fascination casts a spell
And you became more than just a mystery.
I feel the magic building around you
Yeah I think about it all the time.
Tell me it's madness - I barely know you..."
-Savage Garden

"This intoxication thrills me,
I only pray it doesn't kill me."
-SG

I have a fever, which I guess is a normal side effect of the booster shots I got. However, a fever where I work makes for a terribly long day, and I hate being hot and cold over and over. Besides that, work was... interesting.

I think I need to take a sabbatical LOL. But seriously. My mind won't stop perambulating, so I need to just let it do so. I've never been so happy just at the possibility of something. And yet every time I get my hopes up about it, I remind myself how I'm the last person to deserve it, and I would mess it up terribly anyway. I remind myself that there is no possibility of this happening in the first place. And that makes me terribly sad. Which is driving me crazy, because believe me, this is not something I can just forget about (I've tried).

My nightmares have slowed quite a bit lately, which is a huge relief. I've finally had some good dreams, it's been about 8 months since that happened. I still can't really sleep though, and at work I've been so restless (for different reasons), so I'm really wearing down.



"Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor.
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar."
-The Fray

gifts & curses

Is it possible to exude so much empathy onto someone sitting next to you? I can't really explain it, but sometimes I can just feel people's sorrows and fears and pain, and it completely changes my disposition.

I haven't felt this much caged emotion in awhile, and at the same time haven't sensed so much goodness coming from one person. I wish I knew what to say to make it better, but I know from experience usually words don't numb you the way they're given out to.



"Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold."
-OneRepublic

wonderwall

The last 3 or 4 months, I have had only nightmares. And lots of them. Generally, I have a lot of dreams, and they are really bizarre. But now it seems they are completely replaced by awful dreams that wake me up in tears and sweat. That wake me up shaking and torn apart. Thus, I have officially gone back to my extreme insomnia that I used to have; it's finally resorted back to its full meaning.

This, mixed with the recent deaths I've been dealing with, has all left me... numb. I can't stand closing my eyes without feeling like I'm taking myself to the same hellish place each night, and I can't stand opening my eyes without suffocating from reality. It's ironic I guess, having a Writing degree and yet I can't figure out how to explain the depth of what I'm even feeling.



"Sing a sad song
In a lonely place
Try to put a word in for me
It's been so long
Since I found this place
You better put in two or three."
-Oasis, from "Sad Song"


"Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind.
Damn my education, I can't find the words to say
About all the things caught in my mind."
-Oasis, from "Don't Go Away"

"Where is my mind?"

My birthday this year left me melancholy, and there are good reasons for it, but I just didn't think I'd still feel like this. I feel hollow, apathetic, unlovable, broken, unimportant. Then again, haven't I always felt like that?

Today I bought 3 kids books at Barnes n Noble. I was looking for a good book for my nephew, and instead bought 3 for me. Well, for my kids... if I ever have any. And those who know how I am with guys know that I will probably never have kids. I'm sick of my relatives asking when I'm going to get married "like everyone else is." It's not a disease, and quite frankly I've only ever been comfortable when I'm single. Lord knows I have too many love/trust/guy issues to even be in a relationship anyway. So why am I buying books for kids I'll likely not birth?



The last 2 months, all I can think about is disappearing. Don't worry, I'm not going to run away or anything; I've just had these overwhelming thoughts about leaving, going to a big city somewhere far away. I've even looked up some cities: Minneapolis, Portland, Atlanta, Lansing, Indianapolis, NYC, Seattle. I secretly wish that I could just slip away in the middle of the night, without telling anyone, and just start over. I've never felt so stuck, and there has been no solace for that. But I know that every city ends up being the same, all people the same, and I do have a sorry excuse for a life slowly developing here. So maybe when I'm done with school, one day I will finally run away. I need to find peace somewhere. sigh.