weird day

Today I was asked out several times by one guy, had another guy getting jealous, and then had to ask another guy for advice about the guy I actually do like... it was a really weird day.

I took a nap before going out tonight, and woke up with bad chest pains. They still haven't gone away and now I'm freaking out about it. I hope it's just something minor that goes away tomorrow. And now I'm so tired and exhausted but can't shut off my mind, so I know I'll be up for quite awhile. At least I have off Saturdays!

"Oh this is the start of something good,

Don't you agree?

I haven't felt like this in so many moons,

You know what I mean?"

-Gavin DeGraw

questions

I've had several migraines this month and was told some pretty awful news this week, as well as everything else that has been going on at work. I decided to drop the classes I was going to take this semester, because I just need a break. I'd rather focus on finding a place to move instead.

I wish I could shut my mind off here and there, because I'm always thinking too much and that just can't be good. I wish I could figure certain things out, but I guess only time will tell. I want to know if certain things are just in my head or not. I want to know why my left eye keeps burning. I want to know why people worry so much about me. I want to know why my family tells me the super important things all matter-of-factly. I want to know why my car whistles like a door is ajar, when it's not. And I want to know why I am always so tired but can't ever seem to sleep.

"Just a twist in time,

And you could be mine..."

-Savage Garden

Starting over

This was the worst week I've ever had, and I'm still facing the repercussions of it all. People blame me for their own actions, it's amusing to say the least. I was blessed to have people truly sticking up for me and looking out for me through all of this, something I haven't had in a long time. What's done is done, and it doesn't matter who you blame.

I found out some stuff this week as well, and I have just been trying to get through the days one at a time. I don't know if I can handle anymore chaos this month. On a good note, today is my birthday. We went out last night, and I can't tell you how much I needed it. I was surrounded by great people and had a lot of fun, and I can't ask for much more than that. :)

"I've tried to hide it so that no one knows,

But I guess it shows

When I look into your eyes..."

-BSB

changes

I swear I have a curse, or something like it. I tried so hard to be positive this month and everything keeps crumbling around me. And now I caused a giant rift that is probably going to come back and hit me, and people are just now starting to stand up for me about what has happened. Days like today I spend my lunch walking around outside, just so I can breathe. I've had enough of it all. It's time for a new beginning.

I swear I'm going to try and be more positive, stop letting things get to me so much, stop letting people walk all over me and then play the sympathy card, so that I can actually have the energy to deal with all the family and personal problems I'm already dealing with. I'm going to stop having nightmares so I can actually sleep, stop having stress migraines, and I'm going to do what I need to do in order to finally be happy for once in my life.

"This is over my head

But underneath my feet,

'Cause by tomorrow morning

I'll have this thing beat..."

-Lifehouse

This has been a really really lousy start to a new year, and I'm done pretending to be friends with people who keep walking all over me. I just hate days like today when you can't even fake a smile, but you keep trying to because everyone talks to you at work.

Work has been atrocious lately, but also it's getting interesting... we'll see what comes of it all soon enough. I have to thank Becchi for being such a good friend and looking out for me like she does. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. Pasia and Becchi talked me into going out for my birthday next week, so at least I can just go out and relax for once, and forget about all the drama.

New Year's Goals

I made a list of some goals for this year, I need something to look forward to.

-Read the Harry Potter series, and actually finish the last book

-Start running again

-Go 6 months without dyeing my hair

-Get another tattoo

-Go biking on Elroy-Sparta, if I can find people to go with

-Write an essay worth publishing

-Get a digital piano

-Move out!

-Stop running from the good things in life

May this finally be my year, since the last 4 were not. As a bonus, here is one of my favorite songs to play on guitar. :)

karma police...

...where are they when you need them?! This year better have something in store for me, because the last 3 years were filled with terrible things and lots of tears. I swear I can't take much more... I feel like my life has been so stagnant that I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. And I feel like I'm suffocating, but that's nothing new.

For once I'm looking forward to my birthday. I haven't gone out in forever, and Pasia says we should all go out for my birthday so I guess I'll have to think of a place to go. I do need a night out, that's for sure.

"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,

So why am I ten feet under and upside down?

Barely surviving has become my purpose,

Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface."

-Lifehouse, "Storm"

I finally got sucked into the Twilight book... Bella is so parallel to me it's incredible. I finished the book today and might have to start on the 2nd book tonight. It made me think about my current situations, and how my actions will play out for everyone else.


I just ordered a MacBook Pro laptop last night. Macs are so backwards, but much more suited for image and design files, and they are mechanically much more durable. I also caved and bought an iPod Nano - you can even get it engraved for free!! Also found that I get student discounts with Apple :) So merry xmas / happy birthday to me.


I'm not at all prepared for this coming week, but I suppose I brought it all on myself. I deserve every bit of it, at least I know that. I have 2 weeks of school left, then I get to have an early xmas with my brother and his family in Michigan. Joey always makes me light up; kids are so innocent and precious it almost makes you forget about anything else but love.


"Little by little,
You have to give it all in all your life."
-Oasis

The last 4 months have been filled with horrible things, and the culmination of it all is almost unbearable. But "this too, shall pass"... hopefully soon. At least it is finally snowing: cheers me up just enough.



"No reason nor rhyme,
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things.
I'm so much afraid--
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made."
-Jars of Clay

looking for redemption...

I registered for View Camera Techniques... that class will be quite interesting. My current photo class is going really well, I'm almost done with my semester project already, and I got 100% on my final exam!

Work is... going. I'm so busy all the time, but it seems I really do prioritize well. Things are getting interesting again. Interesting and horribly dramatic.

I know most of what I'm getting for xmas and my birthday, I can't wait! I won't get xmas off, but hopefully I can get some other days off to go spend it with my nephew. It's so crazy that he's walking already!!!



"You can stop 'caring' as you call it,
And I'll be fine right here.

You see that I can play a pretty convincing role
So I don't need you,
I don't think I need you..."
-Jars of Clay

wonderwall

I finally got my dSLR camera in the mail, but am waiting for the macro lens. I do have the telephoto lens, but I don't want to haul that around when I first play with the camera. The camera is quite intimidating, since it's a "professional" camera and much bigger than a normal SLR body. Still need a tripod and the macro lens, and then I will have so much fun :)


I know it's crazy, but I'm getting up at 5:30am tomorrow to get out to Saukville just after sunrise to take pictures of trees for my semester project. I also have to collect a bunch of leaves, if I can find any, so I can photograph them in the studio. I got my studio still-life slides back, they turned out amazing! Still have to take 1 more roll, of my bridesmaid dress & shoes, and then 2 rolls of Studio portraits of a girl from class. Then I'm all caught up. I really think I may change my degree to photography... think I'll take View Camera Techniques next semester and that should seal the deal, or not. I feel like I'm finally pretty good at something.


"All of the stars have faded away;
Just try not to worry--
You'll see them someday."
-Oasis

I'm losing my tenacity... too much stuff is pent up in my head. I guess I'm not as resilient as I used to be. :(


I can barely keep it together some days; it's the culmination of it all. As always, I wait for a turnaround, but it's never close enough. God knows I need (and deserve) a little peace here and there. Can you find it for me please?


Tonight I realized I've put my faith in the one person that keeps letting me down (story of my life). Stop pretending you give a shit about me... I'm over it dude.



I was excited to actually go out for Halloween this year, but it seems no one wants me to come to their parties, and I don't know of anyone going to the bars. But it's okay, because after the last 2 days, I'm no longer in a party / people mood. I think I need a retreat by myself, somewhere peaceful in the heart of nature. I would love to go camping by myself somewhere like Elroy-Sparta, and just do my own thing. Especially since it seems I have no one left to depend on. Hope the rest of you get to enjoy Halloween...

sans swine

After being horribly sick (no Mal, it was NOT the swine flu!) for a few days (3 1/2 months, really), I FINALLY feel good. I missed school and work, and slept the entire day Wednesday. I came to work Thursday with a fever, chills/sweats, and still really shaky, and since Eli left I had to stay by myself which was bad. But I made it home and crashed until 2pm today and am good as new. :)


I found a great apartment I'm going to check out next week. I really really want this one, but it's still a distance from work. It's my compromise though for a great big awesome place. I just spent a ton of money this month though - I should probably stop that huh? All I need is a coffee table for my apartment, so at least I won't be spending anything once I move. I really can't wait.


It seems my life is finally calming down once again, but I know very soon it's about to blow upside down, and I just hope that I can handle what I know is coming. I swear everytime I try to get ahead or just get content in my life, something big pushes me back or pushes me down. And I never let anyone help me after that, so it takes me forever to get back to where I even started. I swear I don't know what I'm doing wrong in life, or who I pissed off so badly, because even I shouldn't have karma this bad. Right?

My laptop apparently has a bad hard drive. I restored it successfully, but I keep getting the error message every 15 minutes that my hard disk is bad. Thanks a lot DELL. I just bought a super expensive digital SLR camera last week: I got the telephoto lens, case, cable switch, and battery pack already. Now I'm just waiting for the actual camera and normal focal length lens. It's an incredible camera, and well worth the money. 21.1 megapixels baby!!! I can't wait to take pictures with it :)

We had to do some studio photography this week, I thought I'd hate it but I loved it. I just got my slides back tonight and they turned out so good!!! I have to take another roll of slides in the studio next week, so I'm still thinking of ideas for subject material.

I just sponsored a fruit bat, and the 2 baby tiger cubs at the Milwaukee zoo... what have you done today?? I also found some more apartments I'm hoping to look at next week. *fingers crossed*


This is the first weekend I've had off, and I truly enjoyed it. I still had some homework to work on, and had to label all the slide mounts of my studio photographs. But I've watched a bunch of episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and started a movie. And now I have a weird urge to bake some bread, mmmm There is always next weekend.

I got my Halloween costume all complete, do you? I can't wait!

sleepless in Wisconsin

Tuesday I got 2 hours of sleep, then went nonstop Wednesday between school and work from 8am till 3am. Wednesday night I got about 4 hours, so Thursday I was just horribly ditzy. I couldn't fall asleep till 5:30am Thurs night and was up at 10am Friday, and was doing errands and cleaning all day.

After 4 hrs of sleep last night, I was up at 9:30 taking Graphic & Abstract images straight until 6pm, when I finally stopped for hot chocolate. I got rained on 3 different times, almost blown over on my skateboard, then snowed on, AND sunburnt today! I managed to take 84 photos today - there was so much set up work with props and such. I have to take the last 8 pictures tomorrow I guess. I just hope they turned out okay!


Our next assignment is Studio Photography! I'm excited but extremely nervous. We get to pick whatever we want to bring for subject material and set up the lights however we want, so it's truly original creativity. I have a few ideas, but nothing exquisite or unique. I have to have all my props figured out and my pre-production photo list completed by Wednesday, and study for our test, and label all 109 slide mounts from the photos I'm taking now, and fill out 3 photo logs detailing the pictures I took...