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LOVE this song :)

I went up to Wausau to go snowboarding on Sunday, and drove back up there today to board again. I love it so much, I just wish I was good at it already. At least I finally found something that makes me happy again :)

"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand." - Mary Shelley

It's taking everything in me not to run. I get so overwhelmed by a sense of not belonging, of not feeling wanted, of not being memorable, of not being good at anything or good for anybody, that sometimes I just need to run. Usually it's in the form of long drives where I seemingly and metaphorically leave my problems behind, and I always come back with a (false?) sense of renewed visions of a better life.

This time I can't explain it. The one thing that took me by surprise and has me holding on for dear life for something I want but will never get... also has me wanting to run back to where I came from, just to get far enough away from here before I can get hurt. I don't know how much longer I can live in such immense fear like this. sigh.

The bad abrasion on my eye is finally healing, my giant bruises from snowboarding on ice are healing, my headaches have less frequency, my insomnia has kicked in again, I keep getting bad colds, my stress has skyrocketed, and I once again am questioning if I am where I should be geographically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, and still don't feel it. People say I'm unique but they don't know just how replaceable I am. Sometimes I wonder, if I would just pack up and leave without a word, if anyone would really notice...

“When remorse awakens guilt, whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard

Love this song :)

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crazy week

I've had the biggest highs and lows this week, but the highs were incredible. Here is me trying to snowboard on ice!

And now I wait to see if I really am a pawn of fate... sigh.

eye don't think so...

I woke up to this...

So after work this morning I went to an eye doctor inside of Target. Thank God it's not pink eye!!! Turns out I have a bad abrasion on my eye, so what do I get? Antibiotic / steroidal eye drops to put in 4 times a day, which is really exciting when you can't stand eye drops. They sting like a *#$(&#%(^ too. :(

Ex-Factor

I've posted this before, but I love this song so much. And today I was talking about my ex with a coworker. This song does not relate to the situation I had with my ex at all, but it made me think of the song title. You should all listen because it's a great song by Lauryn Hill and this girl does an amazing cover!

In other news, I am super happy again. I tried snowboarding, something I've always been obsessed with. I was horrible but loved every minute of it, and ended up buying a board.

And met a hot guy (that I will probably never see again because of my incredible shyness and need to run away from all situations like that... sigh).

And love watching my 5-month old bunny rabbit learn new things and find his own strength, and follow me around my apartment.

And I love finally living on my own.

And I am slowly slowly starting to find myself, once and for all. I'm sure this feeling will go away in a few days, but until then I'm riding on this incredible high. :)

look what I got...

A brand new shiny snowboard!!!

miscellaneous

It's sad to know that I haven't even started on any of my New Year's resolutions from my last post. Oh well, I have 10 more months to go.

I was supposed to go snowboarding for the first time today, but the sleet storm ruined my moment. :( Hopefully next weekend will redeem itself.

I went to sleep for a 4-hour nap Saturday morning, and ended up sleeping for 20 hours straight. oops! I sure as hell needed it though. Now I'm all amped up at 6am with nothing to do.

another list of goals for this year...

Things I want to accomplish by the end of this year:

-Finish re-watching the Alias series

-Finish re-watching the Heroes series

-Finish watching all the seasons of Bones

-Finish watching all the seasons of Prison Break

-Finish watching all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy

-Read the entire "Twilight" series

-Read the entire "Harry Potter" series (I've gotten so close to finishing it twice...)

-Read the "Angels & Demons" & "The DaVinci Code" books

-Study through the entire Chemistry textbook I just bought

-Study through my Algebra I and Algebra II condensed study books

-Study through the entire Geometry textbook I just bought

-Take lots of pictures at various State Parks

-Spend a few random days on the UW campus to learn my way around and take pictures

-Save money!!!

Resolutions for 2011

My Many New Year's Resolutions

-Get 2 more tattoos that I've really wanted

-Dye my hair a "crazy" color

-Start writing again

-Bake lots of cakes

-Play guitar more often

-Finally beat the game "1942" on my Commodore 64 or PS2

-Finally learn to snowboard

-Start running again

-Forgive myself for some of the things I have done

-Make new friends, since I seem to have lost most of my old ones

-Visit the Morton Arboretum in Illinois

-Spend a day at Roche-a-Cri state park

-Work on my photography skills

-Take a road trip somewhere far away by myself

-Finally finish the 'Harry Potter' series

-Finally finish the 'Twilight' series

-Finally finish watching 'Prison Break'

-Read all the books I own (that might take forever...)

-Re-teach myself Algebra 1, 2, geometry, and Pre-Calculus

-Re-teach myself Chemistry and Biochemistry

-Re-teach myself Spanish

-Get back to learning Hebrew

-Get back to learning German

-Get back to learning Russian

-Finally find my niche, wherever that may be

There is a big trend of me starting things, but never finishing them. I have no idea if that will ever change, but here's hoping it does.

hair dye!

I seriously want my hair to be like this... It's been roughly 2 years since I've had any "crazy" color combinations in my hair, but the wildest color I ever used was about 2 shades darker than a 'fire engine red' so I really would love to do a crazy color that is not a natural. Either blue or green, but have always fantasized about a black and blue combination (my 2 favorite colors).

classics

In 6th or 7th grade, we had to read this book in school that was really good, and I still think about it often. And sometimes I dream that I am living out this book.

I only remember one "scene" from the book, and possibly one character's name - Jeremy Fisher (I also thought that was the actual book title). I haven't been able to find anything by searching online. It's very possible the book is a moratorium by now, or that I have the name wrong. I don't know why I still feel so moved by the book, but I really wish I could find it again. :(

Another fantastic book that I forgot about is "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card! We read it Sophomore year of HS and I loved it, but forgot about it until very recently. I bought it today, only to find out it's a series of 11 books!!! Makes me wonder why certain books mean so much to me. But it also makes me extremely happy to find 1 out of the 2. Happy New Year, and happy reading to me!!!

Boomerang!

You may call me a crazy cat (bunny) lady, but that's okay.

Honestly, if all that was on this planet besides me was animals, that would be enough for me. I connect so much more with animals than with people, and most people can't understand what that's like. Oh well...

Twilight

I am reading the "Twilight" saga, and I've only ever read the first book. I had sworn I would never read the books because so many girls were obsessed with the series. However, I succumbed out of curiosity and a friend's suggestion, about a year ago. And I have never felt so moved, so existent, as I did by "Twilight." Never was I so invested in a character, never felt so paralleled to one, never felt that I would make so many of the exact same choices as a character in a given situation, think the same thoughts, wish for the same things, etc., as Bella.

I am reading "Twilight" again, and once again I can't stop smiling as I see the passion unfolding. I'm not sure quite what has me so enthralled, but I believe it's the intensity. I've lived such an uneventful life, much like Bella had, and I only want love -- unconditionally. I want exquisite, whole, unrequited, passionate, intense, and eternal love. I know that if/when I let myself succumb to someone's love like that, it really will be the only love I can feel. It won't matter what he is, or what he has done, or what he wishes to do. It will only matter that he loves me, unconditionally, despite my enormous insignificance. He will become my life, and nothing else will matter, simply because he loves me with every particle of his being.

As pessimistic as I am, reading a book like this makes me realize I can't be made, in all my compassion and cursed empathetic magnetism, for nothing. I can't have a desire so strong, only to have a God mock me for my eternity. Books like this, characters like this, visions of the different lives I want to live out, they all tell me that there is something for me, somewhere. "There's got to be something for my soul somewhere." -from "Music & Lyrics


I can't wait to see how the rest of the story unfolds for Bella (please don't ruin anything for me!!!), but I would like to believe that love will win over any other battle. That love will, truly and finally, conquer all.

winter wonderland

I'm so happy it's snowing!!! I'm also excited that I finished all of my Christmas shopping before December. And that I have a 2 month old rabbit who is the cutest thing ever. And that I have a giant apartment all to myself.

I have a 5-day weekend off work now. I plan to finally read the Twilight saga, watch some movies, clean the apartment, and mainly stay curled up on the couch the entire time. It's going to be great.