summer days :)

Basketball, soccer, fun at work, a silly rabbit, fantastic guys, great weather, Grey's Anatomy, good music on my mp3 player, great night out with friends from work... I don't want this feeling to go away. The past few weeks have shown me what everyone has been saying for years -- that I really don't give myself enough credit. Still, though, I can't seem to change that.

I've gotten so many compliments lately, but I have trouble believing their sincerity. Because of my lack of self esteem, I really hold back. Especially when it comes to things (or guys) that I should be going towards. And then, it is always too late. I hope someone will wait for me... someone in particular, although I'm sure he doesn't even like me. Or is my luck finally going to change soon?

Anyway, here's a song I absolutely love. Enjoy.

summer's here

I played soccer last week, which I haven't played in FOREVER. And it was excellent, for several reasons. I, however, was not excellent (but that's okay). I forgot how good it feels to get out and do things, especially things that involve running. Now I just need to get in shape!

Boomerang was neutered yesterday, my poor baby. He's doing really well, but he won't let me get a look at the incision to make sure that is doing okay. I just spent 15 minutes trying to gently wrestle with him to get a good look, but he won I guess.

I have been tossing and turning the last few nights, trying to sort things out in my head that probably don't mean anything anyway. I've been smiling a lot lately, and I bet nobody has any idea why. Probably a good thing, because they would just make fun of me.

"And suddenly, you've done it all -- you've won me over, in no time at all."

I played basketball today for the first time in 7 or 8 years. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Of course I'm terrible, but the guys were very nice about it, and I think I provided entertainment at the very least. I need to start running again.

My bunny is getting neutered next week, poor little guy. :( But I think he will stop chewing on the carpeting all the time, which would be excellent. I might have to get him a girlfriend soon.

spring has sprung

I've finally moved to first shift. I'm doing surprisingly well, considering I spent the last 9 months working 3rd shift and had only 1 day off before starting my 6am-2pm schedule. I think I finally found my niche.

And here's one of my favorite pictures I've taken at Lake Kegonsa State Park this year. The colors turned out amazing, and I didn't even use a polarizing filter or edit the picture at all!

I feel so happy and content lately, without any real reason for it. I love spring and all the beauty in nature that goes along with it, so I've been spending a lot of time hiking around State Parks, reflecting on my life. And I have the most adorable rabbit with such a fun personality, so he keeps me pretty darn happy.

parks

I went to the UW-Arboretum on Sunday, 5/15 and saw the most beautiful sunset!

I drove out to Roche-A-Cri State Park on Monday but accidentally left my camera battery at home, still charging. :( At least I had my phone to take a few pictures.

changes

April is finally over, so I feel like I can breathe again. I can't wait until I move into my new schedule. There is something brewing inside me - I can tell this is going to be a big year for me.

Now for one of the absolute favorite photos I've ever taken... taken at the Milwaukee County Zoo in 2010, with my good dSLR. <3

April still sucks, after all these years...

The worst memories of my entire life occurred in April, and still each April turns into a sort of mild depression and I get in a really weird emotional state that is just not healthy. This year was no different. I'm glad it's almost over though.

To add to it all, I've had a lot of nightmares the last 2 months replaying very bad memories. And I got in a car accident Saturday (not my fault, but still). And I'm realizing that I am years and years away from the life I wanted and don't think I have the willpower to ever get there. But then I have these amazingly incredible dreams that seem to taunt me, showing me the life I want but will probably never have. Wake me up when *April* ends? sigh.

Words I need to remember if I'm ever going to have the life I want:

"Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them." - David Hume

I am still absolutely baffled about why anyone likes me to any extent right now. It's kind of like a big cosmic joke. But I'm pretty sure the guy that I like has no interest in me, so maybe that is the big joke (that everyone likes me except for him)? I do hope that by some crazy miracle, I might have a chance with him someday and that I don't ruin the chance. We'll see.

I had so many crazy dreams last night, and I honestly don't think I've ever dreamt so much in one night. A few of them were nightmares but the rest were really nice dreams of portions of a life I wish I had.

I went to the Zoo today and I can't tell you how much I love bison! There aren't any at the Milwaukee Zoo. Then I went to the UW Arboretum. I took a lot of photos and walked for a very long time, clearing out my head. I think I am finally back to a "good place" mentally, so we'll see how long that stays with me.

I think there's something in the water...

...seriously! I am still in shock from finding out how many guys like me at the moment. I think they just don't know me well enough to know better. And the entire time, I can't help but wonder if it's obvious who I like. I always feel like it's blatantly obvious, but I'm hoping it's not. And it's probably the one guy who doesn't like me.

I wish I could just get over all my crazy self esteem issues and relationship issues, and just be happy. I am finally starting to feel content and happy, but it's always mixed in with days of pure discontent and self-loathing. I've had enough of that and it's time to turn and aim for something that would truly make and keep me happy. I think I know what I should be turning to, but I'm terrified of the idea so I'm just stuck for now.

I hiked just over 6 miles today at Lake Kegonsa Sate Park in Stoughton, and I saw 2 cranes up close, about 20 deer, a baby chipmunk, and an owl (in broad daylight)!!! I can't tell you how happy that made me feel. It was like God just showered me with what makes me truly happy, and he is also showering me with people who really think they like me, which probably should make me feel better about myself. I wonder if He is trying to tell me to just let go of everything and let myself be happy for once...

I think there's something in the air.

Went snowboarding last weekend with Dao, and I've finally graduated to beginner hills. It was awesome and I am barely falling now!!!

Now that snowboarding season is over, I need to find a new outdoor hobby. I might get back into biking because I really want to go back to Elroy-Sparta this summer and go camping but I would need to get back in shape or I won't make it very far.

Still haven't seen my little nephew (born March 30th), but I'll see him in 1 week, and I get to be his Godmother! :)

It's getting hard to deny that I might like somebody, but being the way I am nothing would ever come of it even if I somehow had a chance. It makes my days interesting though.

My bunny rabbit is growing up so fast... he is already 6 months old and very very smart. It's amazing watching a little being learn new things and grow before your very eyes. I guess this is what it's like to have a kid (he sure acts like a mix of a puppy and a toddler)!

3rd shift is starting to get the best of me; I've worked it before without repercussions but this time I am always waking up or failing to fall asleep. Change should be coming soon...

I went snowboarding again on Tuesday before work... and I can finally stay standing all the way down the hill!!! (well, 95% of the time). I'm still on the bunny hill, but it gives me hope. We are going back up to Wausau this weekend for 2 more days of snowboarding and then the season is over. My knee is turning black and purple though!!

My 2nd nephew was just born about 30 minutes ago... welcome to this world, little Matthew! Can't wait to meet you. :)

push...

LOVE this song :)

I went up to Wausau to go snowboarding on Sunday, and drove back up there today to board again. I love it so much, I just wish I was good at it already. At least I finally found something that makes me happy again :)

"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand." - Mary Shelley

It's taking everything in me not to run. I get so overwhelmed by a sense of not belonging, of not feeling wanted, of not being memorable, of not being good at anything or good for anybody, that sometimes I just need to run. Usually it's in the form of long drives where I seemingly and metaphorically leave my problems behind, and I always come back with a (false?) sense of renewed visions of a better life.

This time I can't explain it. The one thing that took me by surprise and has me holding on for dear life for something I want but will never get... also has me wanting to run back to where I came from, just to get far enough away from here before I can get hurt. I don't know how much longer I can live in such immense fear like this. sigh.

The bad abrasion on my eye is finally healing, my giant bruises from snowboarding on ice are healing, my headaches have less frequency, my insomnia has kicked in again, I keep getting bad colds, my stress has skyrocketed, and I once again am questioning if I am where I should be geographically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, and still don't feel it. People say I'm unique but they don't know just how replaceable I am. Sometimes I wonder, if I would just pack up and leave without a word, if anyone would really notice...

“When remorse awakens guilt, whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard

Love this song :)

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