swimming home

I know you are praying for the day when you are no longer incapacitated by this awful pain and helplessness. I know you hate to see your family suffer like this. I am upset that I am not nearly as brave as you, because while I have not been able to make peace with this yet, you have. If you, of all people, can make your peace, then surely we should be able to as well. You will be greatly missed, and never forgotten. May you swim peacefully to Heaven soon so you may forget this awful pain, and finally be free.

Ides of March

These allergies are kicking my ass. It's also been a crazy couple of weeks, but I'm done fighting with myself.

I can't get enough of this song. I love these guys.

"Softly, quickly, give in to the sweet persistence. This is only a beginning."

"With one word I'd take this pain from you, but I fall mute."

Two Points for Honesty

"If that's all you will be,

You'll be a waste of time."

-Guster

I have wasted 29 years of my life, and I'm done being a waste of time. It's time to live, laugh, and let go of the toxic past that has been holding me back for so long. Despite what I've always thought, I DO deserve good things. I deserve to be happy, to feel good, to love and be loved, and to make my own path in life, despite everyone's attempts to have me follow theirs.

"I wanna be where I've never been before."

-Guster

In a way, I am now where I've never been before. Never have I been so honest with somebody, or shown my true self, over and over again, to someone. And the entire time, I have been unsure of where this is going. More unsure now, after last night, but still I am fighting my instincts and I am not running away. I know what will probably happen, which is nothing, but I need to try and fight for what I want in order to break free of my past and go for what I know I deserve. I can't believe I'd feel this way if it is supposed to amount to nothing...

goodbye...

Weird day, with a twist. Goodbye my friend.

"You belong among the wildflowers,

You belong in a boat out at sea,

You belong with your love on your arm,

You belong somewhere you feel free."

-Tom Petty

"Hold my hands across your face,

Because I think our time has come."

-Marilyn Manson

"Tragedy"

Last night I came across a notebook that had a lot of "journal entries" and poems I wrote. I read it, and found the series of text messages that were my ex-boyfriend and I breaking up that I had written out to save for myself, apparently. We broke up almost 5 years ago and weren't even together 2 months. It wasn't all bad, and he was a really good guy. I think we were just on completely different wavelengths and dealing with immensely different problems, so we never truly 'connected.' And I'm bad enough with relationships as it is.

It was just heartbreaking reading some of what he said when I broke up with him. I completely shattered his heart (which I knew, and was reminded of every day for several weeks!), but I realized last night that I've never truly made peace with the fact that I could hurt someone so badly. I think I finally have closure now, realizing that while in a way it *was* my fault for breaking his heart, it is not (entirely) my fault. Things happen, love ensues, love is not reciprocated, love grows, love fades, sometimes love never blossoms at all, and you can't possibly know ahead of time what is going to come of anything.

I came across this song tonight and it reminded me of my ex. At the time, I didn't believe he truly loved me, not that he would lie about it, but it also was never reciprocated by me. I've been over him for a long time, and now I can *finally* stop carrying the guilt for breaking his poor heart. And although he said he couldn't possibly live without me or ever stop loving me, I'm sure he's doing just fine and hopefully he is happy, wherever he is. He deserves it.

it was the best of days, it was the worst of days

I had an unexpected night on Friday, and it was awesome. :)

"Hold my hands

Across your face,

Because I think

Our time has come."

-Marilyn Manson

Also, I was very sad to hear that a friend of mine has a relative who is dying, and I ended up writing a poem about it. Sad, but I had to get my empathy out somehow... Here's the poem.

Despondent and devoid of words,

As it sinks into your soul--

You are suddenly losing her

And you feel you’ll never know

Everything you’ve yet to learn

From her charismatic years,

You keep trying, but you just can’t

Face her with these tears.

Gasping for air as you try to scream,

As it bellows from your heart--

You are suddenly losing her

And you don’t know where to start.

All the life before your eyes

Is frail and sunken in.

All the years you thought you had:

Scattered as ashes in the wind.

Lost in despair as you finally see

There is no other way--

She will soon be leaving,

Though her body will remain.

Condolences won’t even begin

To make up for the cost.

And nothing could ever measure up

To all the life that’s lost.

Weakened by these chains of fate,

Your strength is fading fast--

Light is falling, heart is sinking,

And the time has come at last.

When you can’t stand it anymore,

Take her hand and know

That she has lived a beautiful life,

As you finally let her go.

-KK, 3/10/12

sing song la la la la la

I just wrote another song about stuff that's been on my mind. Another "song" without a melody, and it sounds cliche to me, but I declare it a song nonetheless. Here's an excerpt, my favorite part:

"What could I do, what could I say

To ever make your heart numb to the pain?

When will I know, when will you see

You've turned into the man you're meant to be?"

-KK

Also, it's been a crazy couple of weeks and I'm in uncharted territory. But for once I'm not panicking in the midst of it; I am letting go and enjoying the ride. And I'm loving every second of it <3

so long...

Woke up today with a song in my head from Juliana Theory ("If I Told You This Was Killing Me") after having a terrible dream about my ex boyfriend. This song, however, is much more fitting.

We broke up almost 5 years ago, so he shouldn't even affect me at all now. He wasn't a bad guy, just didn't understand me and my problems at all, which obviously makes a relationship quite difficult. But after I broke up with him, he kept begging me to take him back. Something I've never had to deal with before, and I felt worse and worse each time he came crying to me, begging for another chance, and proclaiming again that he loved me. After going through so much pain growing up, I can't stand putting someone through any pain at all, especially again and again like that. But I didn't cave in and take him back, because that would've been worse for both of us.

Because of all of this, I used to have recurring dreams that he was a hit man trying to kill me and it was like a game to him, so I'd have to go running through strangers' houses and beg for them to hide me as he would slowly make his way from house to house, a torturous way of hunting me down. He also had a sniper. Well I haven't had those dreams in years, but had one last night. And then I woke up feeling like a terrible person yet again. I have to learn that not everything is my fault, and that I am only in control of how I choose to speak my feelings (i.e. breaking up with him). I did it in the nicest way possible, and even said I'd stay friends with him, but that part just didn't work out. I must remember that I will inadvertently hurt people along the way, and that is just the way it is. I don't purposely hurt people and when I do, I try to be as gentle as I can. I need to stop feeing guilty about everything all the damn time.

I think I know why I had this dream, with all that's been on my mind and feeling guilty about things lately. But what I've been dealing with now is also (mostly) out of my control. I can't control my feelings, and I can't control how someone else feels about me. I can only control what happens as a result, and in the end I need to stop putting everyone else before me. If I want something, I need to learn to go for it instead of always holding back because I think I might hurt someone else along the way.

life and death

I really wish I had someone to hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Two deaths in two days... I am choosing life. :(

"Dig out your soul,
'Cause here we go:
We gotta move,
It's what we do.
Let me come through;
Let me take you away
To be where there's life."
-Oasis

RIP Natalie Walker (Nowakowski) and RIP Nate Salentine

You were both people with great spirits, contagious humor, kind hearts, and energy that captured everyone. It was a pleasure to be in track & field with each of you through the years, and simply just to know you both. At least you both lived your lives to the fullest each day, something I plan to follow. May you both rest in peace.

living on the edge

"The best part about 'good enough' is that it's good enough."

I just came across this quote that my friend posted, and it's perfect. At least for me. I've always struggled with low self esteem, never feeling 'good enough,' and even when I think I've managed to be 'good enough,' I feel like I still have a long way to go.

I always imagined I'd have to be extraordinary for somebody to truly want me, and now I've learned that's just silly. I just found out that someone I went to high school with just died, very suddenly. I was never really "friends" with her and she was a year ahead of me, but we were in track together for years so we spent enough time together. She was a very sweet girl with a kind heart, and seemed to have her shit together at an early age. And just like that, she's gone...

I don't want to live the kind of life where I'm constantly holding myself back, waiting until I'm 'good enough,' and wondering if I deserve to be happy. I don't want to push myself to finally feel 'good enough' if I am already good enough in someone's eyes. I am good enough right now, to someone, somewhere... and that is all that really matters.

Life is just too damn short, so go after the things you want, and don't ever settle. Live. Laugh. Love. And make every moment worthwhile. RIP Natalie Walker (Nowakowski)