"Look at the stars--

Look how they shine for you."

-Coldplay

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling, but I'm reveling in the mystery of it all. For once, I'm able to let go and just live in the moment, which has proven pretty great so far. I am being me, and that is all I can do. I have no control over anything else, and I am constantly surprised by all the little things. :)

"Do you think I'm special?

Do you think I'm nice?

Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?"

-OneRepublic

stressssss

I've been really stressed out lately, but I think the nightmares have finally subsided for good. Which is a big relief, because it was taking a lot out of me emotionally. Lots of other stuff going on in my mind, but I'm used to that. I just wish I could shut my mind off when I'm trying to go to sleep.

"And like I really deserve a chance to

Sit across the table,

And tell you that I think you're wonderful,

And I think you're something special..."

-Juliana Theory

Also, I am totally digging this song. This is the first one I've heard off of their new Love albums... and it's fantastic.

Daytona 500!

So excited to watch the race today! Ever since I can remember, my dad has watched races (Indy and Nascar). Then my brother got into it at an early age. I've always enjoyed watching the determination and stamina of the racers. I always hear that racing is "boring" and I can see why people might say that... but it's one of the most dangerous sports so in a way it's more exciting than any other sport. Anyway, watching races takes me back to some of my greatest childhood memories with my dad and brother. So glad I get to watch the whole race, as long as the rain stops!

In other news, life has been very busy... and good. Mostly. :)

I hate it when people try to insert themselves in the middle of a situation, even when you ask them not to. I feel like this is going to be very bad. I have enough going on right now...

I have had mild bouts of insomnia lately, which always comes and goes with me. Just too much on my mind and I've been pretty stressed out. And been figuring out who my true friends are. I also can't believe a person would "forget" to tell their child that a family member has died. WTF

Anyway, I discovered this dude, who is AMAZING on violin. So I've been watching his videos, and then I discovered this. Her voice is awesome.

le sigh

I am trying so hard to tread carefully. This thing has taken me entirely by surprise, but I'm loving every minute of it. However, circumstances are such that I am trying to pull back a little, but I'm finding it very hard to do at times.

I am tired of living my life in such a way where I am constantly worried about doing something wrong and hurting someone's feelings. Obviously I don't try to hurt anyone, but I've lived in a way where I am not really living. And I'm done with that. I want to feel the happiness I know I deserve, without the guilt of simply having these feelings. All I know is that nothing like this has seemed so "easy" for me, or felt so natural and simple. But of course I only know one side of all of this. Only time will tell...

"Oh, should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel? Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't. It's so complicated." -Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

"So then I took my turn,

Oh what a thing to have done."

-Coldplay, "Yellow"

I am finally learning to let go of my past - or rather, to let go of the way it has been affecting me all this time. I am learning to let go of the reigns once in awhile, and actually allow for things to happen. What a difference it makes! It's not to say it isn't terrifying for someone like me who's lived "caged up" my entire life, but to be able to see the benefits immediately is EXTREMELY rewarding. Yes, what a thing to have done!

It's the little things, every day, that show me I am on the right track toward an immense amount of happiness and raw joy. It's the little things that remind me I am a person, I am appreciated, and that I have a purpose. I sure as hell don't have it all figured out yet, but this last year has been such a personal progression for me, to the point where all my friends have been complimenting me on my growth in everything. I may not take compliments well, or believe most of them, but it's hard to argue with a unanimous group of friends so once again, I am letting go of the reigns, and simply enjoying the ride. :)

marchin' on

I have been so busy lately! It's nice, because it keeps my mind from wandering all day long. I've been having extremely vivid dreams lately; it tends to happen when I'm most stressed out or trying to choose a path in life. I think it's my mind's way of working overtime.

I'm trying to "let go" of the wheel of life and deliberately lose control for once. To actually enjoy life, instead of hiding from it like I've always done. It's definitely a work in progress, but I'm slowly getting there. And I'm enjoying just about every minute of it.

Work is good, Madison is good, my 2 adorable bunnies are doing good, my apartment is great, and boys are all around me, haha. I'm trying so hard not to run away from them as usual. That is a big thing I'm trying to give up control over, and to actually allow for chances for things to happen. Hopefully I will succeed. I know what I want, and now I just have to work (really hard) at getting it.

"I'll be your distraction"

I didn't know it was possible to be caught so off-guard, but it's keeping me distracted and in a good mood so I can't complain. :) I'm sure nothing will ever come of this, because that is my luck, and because he is with somebody, but I'm trying to maintain a better attitude this year. As Vince (a coworker) keeps telling me, "don't sell yourself short." So... I'm really trying not to, but I honestly don't know what I even have to offer anyone.

I look at all these beautiful girls that wear lots of make-up and make their hair really pretty, wear dresses, etc., and then I look in the mirror and how can I *not* think the things I think? I don't wear make-up, and I'm not pretty with or without the make-up. My hair is a wavy frizz-ball unless I straighten or scrunch it, and that's about all I know how to do. I don't like dressing up and whenever I do, I'm extremely uncomfortable. Even when I'm "myself" I struggle with low self esteem, and the guys I've dated were mostly assholes so I don't immediately trust guys. And when you mix all of that together, well... guys don't wait around for someone like me. Guys don't say "wow, I bet if I give her a little bit of time and space, she'll be worth it." I want to believe that there are guys who would wait, and somewhere deep in my heart, I think do believe it.