just breathe...

I feel... stuck. Like I need someone to pull me back up for air, so I can finally BREATHE. God knows I need it. Everytime I think I've made progress somewhere in my life, I find I've recessed in other aspects, so that I really am stuck in place. I'm used to dealing with most of it, but I'm really starting to tire.

Always thought I'd make a run for it as soon as I could, but what I realized I'm doing, well let's just say it's not what you ever want to go through. And all it's taught me to do is to turn away from good things, or to just run from them altogether. Doesn't do much good after awhile; in fact, it can do a lot of damage... and based on recent realizations, much has already been done.



"I've been watching, but the stars refuse to shine.
I've been searching, but I just don't see the signs.
I know that its out there;
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere."
-from Music & Lyrics

Happy Memorial Day!

Not that I enjoy holidays, but I digress...

I did enjoy parts of my day. I knew about the Wisc. Ave. parade, and apparently so did my parents, which caused a fight about how they "decided" they were driving me to work because of it. I was really mad, and how my mom thinks I'm going to get raped or killed if I walk even a block downtown. UGH.

Well, I ended up parking on Milwaukee and Clybourn, which is like 8 blocks (I used to park there when the parking validation was messed up). Well, that walk was peaceful, and then work was so dead I got a lot organized, and read 175 pages in a book. The walk back to my car was just as great, because they had lights lining the lake at Riverwalk and no one else was outside, but of course I had to book it to get home at a normal time, so I wouldn't have to deal with another fight. I really need to move out.

My car is finally fixed, the mice are now "taken care of" :( , my brother got 14 stitches in his leg, my nephew now has 2 teeth, my super sunburn is finally gone, my dad's labwork came back normal, I'm going to Madison in 1 1/2 weeks for my best friend's birthday, I'm going to MI in a month so see my nephew, I registered for classes, and finally got insurance through work.

And... I have a severe sinus infection. UGH. I had it for almost 2 weeks, and finally went to the doctor Monday. He put me on strong antibiotics and thank goodness they finally kicked in yesterday, because I literally couldn't even sleep for 2 days it was so bad.

And I'm dyeing (haha) to dye my hair again! I promised myself I was going to try and wait 6 months, but we all know I dye my hair usually every 2 to 3 months, and it's always a completely different color, or multi colored streaks. I think I'm gonna try and hold out a bit longer, but I want my hair brown again so bad. Even my roots are brownish now, no longer white blond. yay! We shall see how long I can hold off.

What a crazy week. I have a mouse and her baby living in my car, which led to a 4+ hour cleaning out of the entire car and lots of insulation damage. Unfortunately my dad won't settle for live traps, so I'm not very happy about the "real" traps in my car, but I don't want anymore damage, either.

I just got my car fixed for the wheel sensor, and it still has the same problem. I also had a vacuum cleaner that refused to stop running even with the power off. An expensive car flashlight (pretty new) that is suddenly completely busted, a now broken DVD player, a newly broken tire pressure gauge, a bad cold that came out of nowhere, and missing pancakes. I'm beginning to think I'm being haunted or something!

And now, I have a crazy urge that I want to buy a house!

It's interesting that the more impervious I tried to be, the less I really was. I feel so stupid for thinking I had a chance (story of my life). I found some essays from Creative Nonfiction, and it's cathartic to read I'm still exactly the same... with my parents, with my friends, with guys/relationships. So I should be used to this by now. And yet it's extremely disappointing...

if only...

I just found out that my brother and his wife are making a will. If something happens, the baby will go to Carrie's sister and her husband. If they don't want the baby, then Carrie's older brother and his wife get Joey.

The icing on the cake: I would be 2nd in line to take Joey... IF I WAS MARRIED. I would come before someone who drinks too much, IF I had a husband. In the end, whatever they want to do is fine, but I know that I would want him more than either of those couples! And, believe me, I would change my job / life around to incorporate Joey, and then there is always daycare. How many married couples work the same shift and need daycare anyway? So how is marriage a factor?