Moving forward

It really is amazing what a little time can do.  My last post was written at a very low point, but things are so rewarding now.  My boyfriend is moving back from New York, and moving in with me, very soon!!!  I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!  Never have I ever thought I'd be able to let someone in like this, and for once I feel that I am moving forward in life, and in love.  I am so blessed I really can't believe it sometimes.

So now I am cleaning and rearranging my apartment in preparation for him to finally come 'home.'  It's the best Christmas present in the entire world!  :)

Hey Ya

I am sinking, but I'm still holding on.  I've found that I can only rely on myself amidst this chaos, and maybe that is for the best although it doesn't feel that way now.  I am still not sure how strong I really am, and I feel weak because I should still be thriving and really I am doing quite the opposite.  I am wilting.  I am suffocating.  I am dying.  But I'm still holding on, waiting for that tiny speck of light to finally come my way, so I can feel again.  I just hope it finds me soon, because this is unbearable.

Also, I discovered this song a few weeks ago, and I'm in love with it.  Well, I've heard the Outkast version of course, but never an acoustic version.  Something about Matt's voice is mesmerizing, and the words fit perfectly for my current situation.  This version makes me cry, both in a good and bad way.  It's very much like a siren, luring me in no matter how much I might try to turn away.  But it's fantastic, and I can't get enough.

"It's all over now, ooh, and I made it through somehow"

Long distance relationships are incredibly hard, but love is a pretty powerful thing, and it will stretch you past limits you never thought you could surpass.


"Missing You"
If everything was aligned just right;
If we both looked up at the stars tonight...
Would you hear me make my wish?
Would you see me crying over it?
Could you brush my hair from my face?
Kiss me tenderly and leave your taste?
Would you hold me when I'm shaking,
Breathe when I'm hyperventilating?

Could you take my hand and take me away?
Or hold on to me, forever and always?
Could you promise this won't be so hard
To live our lives from where we are?
Five states and 840 miles apart--
You hold my very fragile heart.
I love you more than you could ever know;
So please don't ever let me go, again.
-KK, 10/3/12


Also, I found out the other day that my college roommate (and good friend), her dad had an accident and is now in a coma with brain damage and there is nothing the doctors can do.  I can't stop crying about it; Jack was such a good guy, and I can't imagine what any of them are going through right now.

This is the song I always listen to when death is near, or death has won.  It's sad, but somehow perfect. I will be praying madly for Jack and his family, for a miracle recovery, and for peace of all if Jack must be taken from them.

winds of change...

It's been a crazy month, with a lot of changes.  I was not handling any of those changes well at all, but I'm finally succumbing to them (like I ever really had a choice).  I must hold onto perspective, and all else will fall into place.  I am truly blessed.




"You're all of my life, and every time I look at you
I keep telling myself, you're the one thing I just can't lose.
Our love runs so deeply, can't you feel it in your heart?
'Cause we've got something that no one can tear apart.

I'm telling you now, this love, it just can't be wrong,
Oh it can't be wrong.
And I won't give you up 'cause I've waited too long,
Oh, I've waited too long for love."
-Foreigner

"Home to You"

Here's a poem I wrote a few days ago...


The winds keep blowing,
Life keeps on going,
And I wonder:  what does it all mean?
Then you appear;
I blink, my dear,
And I'm mesmerized by what I've seen.

The tides will ebb and flow,
People will come and go,
And I never seem to get the timing right.
So I'll wait on the cusp,
'Till I've waited enough,
Then close my eyes as my soul takes flight.

The world keeps turning,
My eyes are burning,
And I wonder if you could ever see:
All the thoughts in my head--
The words that stop dead,
Are still there, even though you're changing me.

The rain will keep falling,
My past is still calling,
And sometimes I don't know what to do.
So I wait for the sun,
And sometimes I run,
But I'll always come back home to you.

-KK, 8/11/12

"Fit"

I can't find the Better Than Ezra version of this song online, so you get a cover instead.  But she does a great job.  LOVE this song.

There are so many things I want to do this week, but not enough time!  Also I'm starting to freak out about some things this week, but I hope they lead to personal growth instead of repression.  We'll see.






"I was adrift,
Out on my own;
You came along and
Carried me home [. . .]
Oh how you fit me."

Steady Now...

"Steady now, steady now;
Don't fear what you can't see.
Ready now, ready now --
I'll hold onto you,
You hold onto me."
-Grace Potter <3

Advice I need to remember, especially now when I'm prone to want to run.  I wish I wasn't so afraid of everything all the damn time...

Enlightenment

I've been trying to figure out how to get past some of my issues; it's been a long process.  Thanks to Sam for creating a list of things for me to do, which took a little bit of encouraging to complete, but definitely helped... and prepared me for what was about to happen.

Recently I bought myself a little book called a "Gratitude Journal," where you write something every day.  There are pages with a writing prompt, such as "write about 3 things you find beautiful today," or "write down everything you are grateful for today," and some pages are simply blank, or just have a quote.  So I've been writing in that each day, and it's a great reminder of just how great life is.

Also, I bought a 2-disc CD simply because of the title (terrible, I know!).  But the title was:  "Keep Calm and Carry On."  It's all instrumental music which I enjoy, but it's more about what it represents -- keeping calm, breathing, relaxing, clearing your mind, and still moving instead of being stagnate like I had been for so long.

I also just bought a scrapbook kit, the theme is "Memories."  I loved the styles of paper, the decorations it came with, and the quotes that were being displayed, such as "cherish yesterday," "live for today," and "dream of tomorrow."  I haven't opened up the kit yet, but I plan to turn the scrapbook into a self-realization of just how far I've come in my own life, especially after moving to Madison, and I know that will really help me get my confidence back, and to be even more grateful for my life.

In addition, I found these decorative keys at Michael's that just... drew me in.  Not sure what I will do with them, but they're old fashioned looking keys and they each have a word on them:  Love, Secret, Heart, Memory, Journey, Life, and Dreams.

And lastly, I ordered 3 books online today that I believe will help me overcome at least some of my self esteem / trust / adandonment / intimacy issues.  I should have the books next week.

Somehow, all of this is going to help me, with additional help from a certain someone that has been doing an excellent job of making me more comfortable in my own skin. :)  I'm at a place in life where I've FINALLY realized that I DO deserve better, and that I DO have a lot to offer... you can call it "enlightenment" or whatever you want.  I am finally on my journey toward a better, happier life than I had ever thought I could possibly deserve, and it's been extremely rewarding already ♥

"I'll go hide. If you're still there then you're still all I want..." ♥

Good Life

OMG Both rabbits are taking turns flopping in their cages (sign of bliss).  And I have butterflies and can't stop smiling.  It really is the good life, for all of us ♥

Who Am I

Love this song so much, always have.




My entire life I've felt lost, invisible, ignored, despised, abandoned, and unlovable.  It's taken a long time to get to where I am, but I'm pretty damn proud of all the progress I've made.

I found a perfect quote last night:

"There is no passion to be found playing small -- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."  -Nelson Mandela

At least I am finally living, and loving every minute of it :)

"Bitter Isolation"

Oh wow, the things you find looking through old poems you've written...


"Black Hole"

A void of nothing
In the bitter cold
Steals away
The days of old.

A lifeless man
In the smothering heat
Recalls the days
Of toxic defeat.

A soul in agony
In a grave of despair
Singes all the hope
He hoped to wear.

A kiss of death
In the dead of night
Stirs up thoughts
Of eternal plight.

A vile of poison
At the end of the day
Leaves memories lifeless
As they pass away."

-KK, 2/7/04

"Glycolysis"

I had to write a poem using technical jargon for Creative Writing in college, and since I was a Biology major at the time, I wrote about Glycolysis!  I know you are all excited about this... not.


"In eukaryotic cytosol
Sugars get broken down
From glucose to pyruvate--
There's activity all around.

This catabolic metabolism
Needs two ATP's to start.
And as the process carries on,
It pulls the sugars apart.

Side reactions bring energy
To this anaerobic chain;
For each time through the cycle
There's a two ATP net gain.

Kinase adds a phosphate
From the intermediate before.
Dehydrogenase breaks things down
Using the NAD+ in store.

The enzyme hexokinase
Is the first one to play its part;
If there is not enough present,
Glycolysis will not start.

Phosphofructokinase
And hexokinase, too,
And also pyruvate kinase
Are control points it must get through.

Fructose-1,6-bisphosphate
Uses aldolase to make
Not one, but two intermediates:
This is not a mistake.

The DHAP must transfer into
The other product here,
Otherwise the cycle stops,
And the end is no longer near.

Phosphoenolpyruvate
Is the last thing to be changed,
Pyruvate kinase the last enzyme,
As the molecule is rearranged."
-KK, 3/17/04

Good Life

I can't believe the contrast between last year and this year, in regard to my own life.  I'm not sure anything has stayed the same, including me.  And I'm finally okay with that.  I'm finally starting to see little pieces of what others keep saying they see in me, and it's a good feeling.

Today I was walking around the UW-Arboretum, thinking about how fantastic my life has been lately... when I stumbled upon this.  It almost brought me to tears.

"Joy is a flower that blooms when you do." -Author Unknown

I can feel it lately; I am blooming, and I feel nothing but joy and contentment.  I am loving life. <3

This song popped into my head 2 weeks ago, and I can't get it out!  I've always loved this song, so I really don't mind.  :)


"It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."




In other news, life is awesome lately!  I feel like my luck has finally changed over the last month or so.  I've found the clarity and courage lately to do what I need to do, and I've had tons of support along the way.  Special thanks to Sam and Kristi for pushing me, but lightly, toward believing in myself.  And special thanks to Amanda Beck for being such a positive person and influence each and every day.  I'm excited to see what else awaits me, but I've already been rewarded plenty.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."  It sure did.  :)

Mo' Girly, Mo' Problems

It's true.  Holy cow, it's true.  Mo' Girly, Mo' Problems...