I do not appreciate surgical procedures and the pain that follows. Vicadin has been my friend this weekend, but I still wake up to some pain. It (the pain) leads to really interesting dreams though!


This weekend I got to see a dove sleeping on our deck, a mother dove feeding its baby, the baby holding out its wing and tipping sideways to let the rain wash its armpit, and then alternate wings (funniest thing ever). I also watched a starling routinely puff his whole body of feathers up, it appeared to be a sort of stretching technique. How often do you get to see birds doing things like that?!


"Baby, do you see me--
The way I see you?
The way I see you..."
-Bethany Dillon

Happy Earth Day!!!

When I went outside to leave for work, there was a dove sitting on my windshield! I didn't want to disturb it, but I was running late. So I walked towards it slowly, and then he just hopped up onto the hood. He was so cute, and then when I was really close to him, he flew into a tree. :)

I can prophesy in my sleep?! I dreamt of a centipede trying to get me, I woke up and THERE IT WAS! Seriously! ewww Also dreamt my brother showed up having run out of gas with his son in the car; not sure what that was supposed to represent.

I swear I saw 2 guys from my last job (Damon and Bear) on Michigan Ave today, one on my way to work, and one on the way home. I never see those guys anywhere.

I saved a worm from his near-death experience when I got home (pretty sure I'm the only person in the world who does stuff like that).

I really want another tattoo and a piercing, brown hair, an abalone ring, stimulus check, an apartment, and the ability to read minds.



"A smile fuels a steel inferno,
You don't have to die to leave my world;
Stand still and you've departed.
It seems I'm not on your mind and
I've been wasting my time--
I'm just a fool to believe.

In the death of the night
Can you feel me inside?
I wish that you could conceive:
Just a twist in time
And you could be mine..."

-Savage Garden, "Mine"

I would like to find the side where the grass is greener...

I was really pushing for a good year, since the last 2 were horrendous overall. But so far in 2009:

-An amazing person died (way before he should have)
-My grandma doesn't know who I am 9 times out of 10
-I've had a cold every month so far (ugh)
-I've had the flu twice (I never get the flu!)
-I've had 5 migraines, and tons of headaches
-I have nightmares 4 to 5 times a week
-I wake up about 5+ times a night, super restless
-I found out I did NOT get accepted into the Dental Hygiene program for Fall semester
-I put $10,000 into my IRA accounts... and lost almost all of it already (can we say RECESSION?!)
-I got my first speeding ticket (thanks MaCoupin County, IL!), on a road trip to MO (17mph over!)
-People keep stealing my food at work
-I realized my best friend is no longer my best friend
-Even when I go to the cemetery at night, there are people there... sucks when you just need to be alone
-Without health insurance, I had to get immunizations, booster shots, TB tests, and blood work
-Without dental insurance, I just had a filling come out! So that will be completely out of pocket grrrr

There's more, but those are the highlights. It seems like when I really strive to be positive, it all comes crashing down in my face. Can I please have some good luck now?!


"'Cause all of the stars have faded away--
Just try not to worry - you'll see them some day.
Take what you need and be on your way,
And stop crying your heart out..."
-Oasis

I'm finally in a good mood... thanks to the most amusing call at the end of the night. I spent so much time lying awake the last few weeks, that I realized I've come to think too much. And worry too much. So I just need to stop that. My dad had a nightmare last night that someone was trying to steal his pillow while he slept! I laughed so hard at that.

I finally feel, for once, ... accomplished:
-I finished the baby blanket for my good friend's new daughter.
-I figured out what (2) classes I really want to take next semester.
-I changed my schedule slightly so I can actually see friends.
-I'm playing a video game I'm actually good at.
-I'm reading a book fast, which is very rare.
-I impressed my mom w/my writing skills from 1998, today.
-I finished bday shopping for my dad.
-I have all my nephew's xmas and 1st bday presents made / bought, and almost all of my brother's and sis-in-laws bought already.

I've had a fever for 2 1/2 days, it's finally receding. My cold is going away. I'm slowly getting out of this funk I've been in for the last 7 months. And I'm going to the zoo this weekend!!! Maybe things will finally turn around for me a bit...

what is our world coming to?

I don't ever watch the news or read newspapers, because it's depressing. But thanks to RR and MSN, I do read some online news articles, and this is what I've discovered...


-A movie producer is now found guilty of murdering an actress some 6 years ago.

-Pirates stole a ship (where is Jack Sparrow?! And the rum???!!!)

-A guy stole a jet from an aviation school!

-North Korea just launched a missile for whatever reasons they claimed.

-Nick Adenhart, a baseball player on the Angels, died in a car accident.

-And Harry Kalas, a baseball announcer for the Phillies, died in the booth today - he's been announcing for them since 1971! He's also announced for Notre Dame, and some other baseball team for a few years. AND, he was the announcer for the infamous Puppy-Bowl! It's truly sad to see someone like that go, even though I've never heard of him before.



I hate to see our world so full of chaos, but if you've ever taken a chemistry course you know it's inevitable, expected even. I thought of Heath Ledger and Anna Nicole Smith dying, and then Mary Kate (or was it Ashley) who was super anorexic... what happened to peace, and just living? What happened to (the facade of) the American Dream??

Happy Easter!

I usually hate holidays, but I felt an odd peace today.


"Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah."

-Bethany Dillon, "Hallelujah"

There's so many things I want to spend money on right now, it's ridiculous. Namely:
-classes I don't need to take
-a new Zune
-a decent SLR 35mm camera
-Nintendo DS lite (buying tomorrow?)
-a good sewing machine

I want a sewing machine (hell must be frozen!) because I recently learned how to sew things, such as blankets & pillows. I've made 3 decorative pillows, 2 fabric baby books, and 2 no-sew blanket throws. I have 2 blankets to make tomorrow, as well as 2 no-sew blanket throws to make soon.


I don't sleep anymore... Sometimes I honestly don't know if I'm awake, and have to literally pinch my arm (I haven't been this bad in 2 years). This morning I dreamt that I was 9 months pregnant and in half-labor. The nurses made me walk to "help the baby move down" and then I was alone in a room pacing, freaking out b/c I hadn't settled on a baby name yet!!! Ironic, since I have about 15 boys' AND 15 girls' names picked out!!

I woke up with my body feeling exactly like it did in the dream (except for contraction pains!); I felt so exhausted I could barely move any part of my body, and it's just now wearing off! It was so strange...

randomness, as always

I found out that I didn't get into my program for Fall, and I was pretty bummed about it. But I realized there's 4 classes I really want to take, and now I can. Mainly, Fundamental Photography.

My mom's cousin came to visit from CA last week, and it was great... except for the fact that my mom was always talking about the dead and dying. And with nothing to assuage that, it was a very difficult week for me.

I got my taxes done... getting $4,314 back total!!! There's so many things I want to spend that money on...

And this is extremely random, but at the Museum, I found a brochure for an Arboretum that I really want to go to -- in Lisle, IL. I've always been oddly obsessed with trees, usually lone, barren ones. But this place has hiking trails, driving roads, and 1700 acres! Perhaps I will venture out there this summer, if I can find someone to go with. www.mortonarb.org

praying for a clean break

I tried really hard since I got back from vacation to start thinking / being more positive... and God really threw that back in my face.

I feel like I'm losing control of myself, at least more so than usual. The odd "remedies" that usually "fix" me just don't seem to cut it anymore, which makes me feel even more worthless and broken. And this week proved just how broken I still am. I guess I didn't realize how damaging this has been on me all these years...

"I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted.
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you."
-Hawk Nelson, "Everything You Ever Wanted"