Death

My dad's good friend suffered esophageal cancer twice, and made his way into Heaven on December 27th. I was so strongly affected that I ended up writing his family a letter and putting it inside my sympathy card to them. I'm not sure why I'm posting what I wrote in there, other than that I have so much sorrow in my heart right now and nothing else to say, so might as well just copy what I wrote in the letter. Here it is, and rest in peace Tim.

I met Timmy through my dad (Ron Kramer)--they worked together at Delphi for 30 years. I remember my dad would talk about the amazing miracle of one of his friends who had esophageal (Stage 4) cancer, and was getting better. I didn't know the details or even who the friend was, but when I finally heard the story I was absolutely blown away. I remember crying later that day about it--it was the biggest miracle I had ever heard about around here.

This past summer I planned a combined surprise 60th birthday party for my parents, and decided to invite a few of their close friends, instead of only having family there. So I searched for the man who had esophageal cancer, not sure if he was healthy or what his name was. I finally found out he was Timothy Stanczak, and invited him to my parents' party, but I didn't know if he was healthy enough to make it.

Timmy called me to RSVP for the party, and it was the first time I ever talked to him. Because he had worked with my dad for so long, I'm sure he'd heard stories about me, but he was so genuinely caring on the phone I couldn't believe it. We actually talked for about 20 minutes, and I was amazed at his passion for life and family and friends. I cried as soon as we hung up--I can't explain it, but it was sort of like he suddenly knew everything would be alright and he had stopped worrying.

When I met Tim at my parents' party, I couldn't believe the energy and positivity surrounding him. He was talking to everyone at the party like they were all good friends. I love that contagious friendliness, and I've realized it's pretty rare. After the party I asked my dad about Tim's condition, and was shocked to hear that he had still been doing chemo or radiation treatments when I talked to him on the phone about the party. And the party was at the end of May, and my dad thought he had just finished all his treatments around then.

I am not sure why Tim's story had affected me so much since I talked to him on the phone once and then met him one day. But I broke down when I found out the cancer had returned and you all had to go through the devastation again. He must have been so heartbroken at first, but I do know he was living his life to the fullest after he was cured in May. I have to believe that God gave him more time here so his energy, kindness, compassion, radiance, and love could touch many more people. And I am proof of that--this has affected me almost as much as if he were my own relative, which shows God's love for us by letting Tim touch all of our hearts more than we could ever imagine.

When I heard the cancer came back, I knew he must have been devastated. I've found I have a gift of encouragement, and one night an idea popped into my head and hasn't left me since. I've never had such a strong feeling to do a specific thing for someone, so it breaks my heart that I was not able to make what I feel I was supposed to make for Tim, but I know it's okay. I was going to put together a "Chicken Soup for Timothy's Soul" book, filled with everyone's stories (funny and sad ones) about times they shared with him. I don't know if he liked to read or not, but I had a feeling he would really enjoy it. But I know those who got to visit him shared the stories they needed to share, and that he had plenty of great stories and memories in his own mind and heart to comfort him.

I pray that this letter doesn't make you sad, but shows you just how amazing Timothy Stanczak was. He truly has touched my life (and others') in tremendous ways just by being Timothy. I wish I could have seen him again, but I will never ever forget him. Thank God he is no longer in any pain, and one day we will all join him again in Heaven. May God hold your heads up and keep your hearts strong as you all grieve for Timothy.

~Karen Kramer

boys cause problems (not the song title!)

Verse 1
Sitting here with a guitar pick in my left hand
Trying to find the right combination of chords.
If I get it just right then you just might
Listen to the words I used to make my song.
But I'm going through a writer's block of sorts--
Can't figure out where one thought ends or starts.
Don't know why I'm trying to write anything for you--
You're with her, so you're just stringing me along.

Chorus
If you could see,
If you could feel it in me,
Then you'd have to believe
We were meant to be.
If you could see,
Oh, you were meant for me.

Verse 2
Singing to the silent space between my miseries.
I'm here and there, but I'm not going anywhere--
It's a bit of a paradox for me.
Trying to put these loaded emotions into simple sentences:
Got a dictionary but I don't know where to begin,
Can't find a title to encompass all of this--
There's so much you deserve to hear honey,
But maybe I'm not meant for this.

Chorus
If you could see,
If you could feel it in me,
Then you'd have to believe
We were meant to be.
If you could see,
Oh, you were meant for me.

Verse 3
Tapping my feet to a beat I haven't found yet,
Three guitars but none of them strike a chord just right,
Fast fingers on a piano but my mind doesn't work like that,
So I don't think I can write the perfect song for you
But baby, I heard it's the thought that counts;
Got my hopes and feelings, stirring up every ounce:
It's all I've got to work with, so don't give up yet
We'd both be so much happier if I was with you instead.

Chorus
If you could see,
If you could feel it in me,
Then you'd have to believe
We were meant to be.
If you could see,
If only you could see,
Baby, you were meant for me.
-K.K.

Sirens

Verse 1
You're singing sweet melodies:
Like a Siren, you lure me in;
I know I'm on dangerous ground
And I feel like it's such a sin.
I keep moving in closer now
Mesmerized by your voice
I shouldn't tread these waters
But I swear I don't have a choice.

Your beauty reflects on the surface
As I get closer to you yet
Transfixed by your angelic tone
I know I could never rest
Till I'm close enough to touch your face
And take you by the hand,
But her image now reflects the water
And I don't think she'd understand.

Don't worry, I swear I'll turn around
And sail back to my apathy
But tell me, my sweet Siren--
Does she really keep you happy?
I see the smile, and what's underneath--
There's more than you let on,
So choose one or the other, and
Sing your sweet sweet song.

Chorus
Don't tell me why
When you know for sure.
Just say goodbye
If you sing for her.
I'll sail away
As you set me free,
But don't think
You can forget me.

Stains the Sky

Too shattered for the silence,
Confusion stains the day:
Erases all the colors
As they slowly melt away.

She tries to catch the black
She feels sinking in her heart;
Tries to paint the sun back in
Before her sky falls apart.

Burning in the background,
Her faith is bleeding through.
She sprinkles silver starlight
But her dreams are still askew.

Lost beneath the rotting sky,
She weeps in frozen dreams;
Silhouettes of her regrets
Are blocking out the beams.

Reaches for the moonlight
As it blackens in her eye;
Blinded by the filthy soot
That stains her broken sky.
-K.K.

One Way

Would you turn this whole thing around?
Then turn it right back upside down
again; there's only one way this could go
And I know, you know, we already know
There's not enough room for the broken hearts
To dry under the sun until it gets dark.
There's only one way this ever goes;
It's never my way, and I can say everyone knows
That's just my life to live, I can't hold it against
You--already got the best things with no pretense.
I would pull you lower than before, trust me on that:
Keep taking myself down, then everything I want turns bad.
So maybe I was right and she's already got you now,
Or it really is just me fucking it all up somehow.
Wish I could get inside my own head and do the repairs
So I could see myself coming, stop myself, and spare
You from the confusion and all the pain
That seeps from your eyes to mine, and into yours again.
-K.K.