OMG Both rabbits are taking turns flopping in their cages (sign of bliss). And I have butterflies and can't stop smiling. It really is the good life, for all of us ♥
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Who Am I
Love this song so much, always have.
My entire life I've felt lost, invisible, ignored, despised, abandoned, and unlovable. It's taken a long time to get to where I am, but I'm pretty damn proud of all the progress I've made.
I found a perfect quote last night:
"There is no passion to be found playing small -- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." -Nelson Mandela
At least I am finally living, and loving every minute of it :)
My entire life I've felt lost, invisible, ignored, despised, abandoned, and unlovable. It's taken a long time to get to where I am, but I'm pretty damn proud of all the progress I've made.
I found a perfect quote last night:
"There is no passion to be found playing small -- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." -Nelson Mandela
At least I am finally living, and loving every minute of it :)
Sunday, June 24, 2012
"Bitter Isolation"
Oh wow, the things you find looking through old poems you've written...
"Black Hole"
A void of nothing
In the bitter cold
Steals away
The days of old.
A lifeless man
In the smothering heat
Recalls the days
Of toxic defeat.
A soul in agony
In a grave of despair
Singes all the hope
He hoped to wear.
A kiss of death
In the dead of night
Stirs up thoughts
Of eternal plight.
A vile of poison
At the end of the day
Leaves memories lifeless
As they pass away."
-KK, 2/7/04
"Black Hole"
A void of nothing
In the bitter cold
Steals away
The days of old.
A lifeless man
In the smothering heat
Recalls the days
Of toxic defeat.
A soul in agony
In a grave of despair
Singes all the hope
He hoped to wear.
A kiss of death
In the dead of night
Stirs up thoughts
Of eternal plight.
A vile of poison
At the end of the day
Leaves memories lifeless
As they pass away."
-KK, 2/7/04
"Glycolysis"
I had to write a poem using technical jargon for Creative Writing in college, and since I was a Biology major at the time, I wrote about Glycolysis! I know you are all excited about this... not.
"In eukaryotic cytosol
Sugars get broken down
From glucose to pyruvate--
There's activity all around.
This catabolic metabolism
Needs two ATP's to start.
And as the process carries on,
It pulls the sugars apart.
Side reactions bring energy
To this anaerobic chain;
For each time through the cycle
There's a two ATP net gain.
Kinase adds a phosphate
From the intermediate before.
Dehydrogenase breaks things down
Using the NAD+ in store.
The enzyme hexokinase
Is the first one to play its part;
If there is not enough present,
Glycolysis will not start.
Phosphofructokinase
And hexokinase, too,
And also pyruvate kinase
Are control points it must get through.
Fructose-1,6-bisphosphate
Uses aldolase to make
Not one, but two intermediates:
This is not a mistake.
The DHAP must transfer into
The other product here,
Otherwise the cycle stops,
And the end is no longer near.
Phosphoenolpyruvate
Is the last thing to be changed,
Pyruvate kinase the last enzyme,
As the molecule is rearranged."
-KK, 3/17/04
"In eukaryotic cytosol
Sugars get broken down
From glucose to pyruvate--
There's activity all around.
This catabolic metabolism
Needs two ATP's to start.
And as the process carries on,
It pulls the sugars apart.
Side reactions bring energy
To this anaerobic chain;
For each time through the cycle
There's a two ATP net gain.
Kinase adds a phosphate
From the intermediate before.
Dehydrogenase breaks things down
Using the NAD+ in store.
The enzyme hexokinase
Is the first one to play its part;
If there is not enough present,
Glycolysis will not start.
Phosphofructokinase
And hexokinase, too,
And also pyruvate kinase
Are control points it must get through.
Fructose-1,6-bisphosphate
Uses aldolase to make
Not one, but two intermediates:
This is not a mistake.
The DHAP must transfer into
The other product here,
Otherwise the cycle stops,
And the end is no longer near.
Phosphoenolpyruvate
Is the last thing to be changed,
Pyruvate kinase the last enzyme,
As the molecule is rearranged."
-KK, 3/17/04
Friday, June 15, 2012
Good Life
I can't believe the contrast between last year and this year, in regard to my own life. I'm not sure anything has stayed the same, including me. And I'm finally okay with that. I'm finally starting to see little pieces of what others keep saying they see in me, and it's a good feeling.
Today I was walking around the UW-Arboretum, thinking about how fantastic my life has been lately... when I stumbled upon this. It almost brought me to tears.
"Joy is a flower that blooms when you do." -Author Unknown
I can feel it lately; I am blooming, and I feel nothing but joy and contentment. I am loving life. <3
Today I was walking around the UW-Arboretum, thinking about how fantastic my life has been lately... when I stumbled upon this. It almost brought me to tears.
"Joy is a flower that blooms when you do." -Author Unknown
I can feel it lately; I am blooming, and I feel nothing but joy and contentment. I am loving life. <3
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
This song popped into my head 2 weeks ago, and I can't get it out! I've always loved this song, so I really don't mind. :)
"It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."
In other news, life is awesome lately! I feel like my luck has finally changed over the last month or so. I've found the clarity and courage lately to do what I need to do, and I've had tons of support along the way. Special thanks to Sam and Kristi for pushing me, but lightly, toward believing in myself. And special thanks to Amanda Beck for being such a positive person and influence each and every day. I'm excited to see what else awaits me, but I've already been rewarded plenty.
"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." It sure did. :)
"It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."
In other news, life is awesome lately! I feel like my luck has finally changed over the last month or so. I've found the clarity and courage lately to do what I need to do, and I've had tons of support along the way. Special thanks to Sam and Kristi for pushing me, but lightly, toward believing in myself. And special thanks to Amanda Beck for being such a positive person and influence each and every day. I'm excited to see what else awaits me, but I've already been rewarded plenty.
"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." It sure did. :)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Letting Go
"I won't be made a fool of; don't call this love." -Christina Perri
For about the last 5 years, I have been dealing with the guilt of hurting my ex-boyfriend as much as I did when I broke up with him. I obviously wasn't trying to hurt him, but in the end I did what I had to do. I know that I broke him, but what I didn't plan on was inadvertently breaking myself as well. (I'm sure he's fine and moved on by now, or at least he better be!) Never in my life have I knowingly hurt someone so severely, and to be reminded of that on a daily basis, for weeks afterward, was awful. I got over him very quickly, and he was still a good person, but for some reason I was never able to fully let go of everything, simply because I still felt all this guilt weighing me down. I have nightmares once in awhile where he is hunting me down to kill me, I used to have that dream every night for several months after I broke up with him. And in recent months, I have been "seeing" him everywhere, even though it's not really him. I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, and FINALLY had my closure about it today, sitting on a hidden bench, in my favorite secret spot, at the Arboretum.
We can hurt people on purpose, and we can hurt them by circumstances or choice. I chose happiness, which meant no longer being with him. And that also meant that I had to hurt him in the process of my own personal growth. Somehow I felt like a selfish bitch for choosing my own happiness over his, and somehow it took me nearly 5 years to realize that I have nothing to feel guilty about now. One of my issues with relationships (friendships and intimate relationships) is that I am always terrified of hurting the person, since I seem to have done that a lot in the past. And after seeing the effects of me actually breaking my ex, I became extremely reserved with everyone I met after that, and even with people I was already friends with. I didn't want another boyfriend, because "I would just hurt him, too." But a person can only be so happy living alone, hiking alone, eating alone, shopping alone, watching movies alone, cuddling alone (meaning cuddling a giant harbor seal instead of a great guy's protective arms), etc. I want more, and I'm tired of holding myself back simply because I've come to believe I'm the worst person in the world for what I did. It happens, and at least I broke up with him the best way I knew how. I am finally letting go, and it feels fantastic.
For about the last 5 years, I have been dealing with the guilt of hurting my ex-boyfriend as much as I did when I broke up with him. I obviously wasn't trying to hurt him, but in the end I did what I had to do. I know that I broke him, but what I didn't plan on was inadvertently breaking myself as well. (I'm sure he's fine and moved on by now, or at least he better be!) Never in my life have I knowingly hurt someone so severely, and to be reminded of that on a daily basis, for weeks afterward, was awful. I got over him very quickly, and he was still a good person, but for some reason I was never able to fully let go of everything, simply because I still felt all this guilt weighing me down. I have nightmares once in awhile where he is hunting me down to kill me, I used to have that dream every night for several months after I broke up with him. And in recent months, I have been "seeing" him everywhere, even though it's not really him. I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, and FINALLY had my closure about it today, sitting on a hidden bench, in my favorite secret spot, at the Arboretum.
We can hurt people on purpose, and we can hurt them by circumstances or choice. I chose happiness, which meant no longer being with him. And that also meant that I had to hurt him in the process of my own personal growth. Somehow I felt like a selfish bitch for choosing my own happiness over his, and somehow it took me nearly 5 years to realize that I have nothing to feel guilty about now. One of my issues with relationships (friendships and intimate relationships) is that I am always terrified of hurting the person, since I seem to have done that a lot in the past. And after seeing the effects of me actually breaking my ex, I became extremely reserved with everyone I met after that, and even with people I was already friends with. I didn't want another boyfriend, because "I would just hurt him, too." But a person can only be so happy living alone, hiking alone, eating alone, shopping alone, watching movies alone, cuddling alone (meaning cuddling a giant harbor seal instead of a great guy's protective arms), etc. I want more, and I'm tired of holding myself back simply because I've come to believe I'm the worst person in the world for what I did. It happens, and at least I broke up with him the best way I knew how. I am finally letting go, and it feels fantastic.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Sing in Silence
"You gotta chase the monkey off your back..."
Well I am trying. It's been a weird few months. It's time for change.
Well I am trying. It's been a weird few months. It's time for change.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Doctor Whoooooo
I finished the first season of Doctor Who a few days ago, and holy crap! It's awesome. I have a bunch of friends who like the show, but somehow I'd never seen an episode before. Now I'm re-watching it before moving on to season 2.
"What use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love?" -Dalek
That quote really stuck with me, because I am one to try and hide how I really feel. All the time. But what use is that? The Dalek was right. Without acknowledging / giving in to our emotions, what is the point?
"What use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love?" -Dalek
That quote really stuck with me, because I am one to try and hide how I really feel. All the time. But what use is that? The Dalek was right. Without acknowledging / giving in to our emotions, what is the point?
Friday, April 20, 2012
Burn It Down
I heard this song for the first time today, and I love it! Reminds me of everything I've been going through mentally and emotionally over the last month or so. It is time to move on, FROM EVERYTHING. I feel like I've been stuck in limbo for a long time, afraid to let go of my past, but afraid to step out into a new (and actual) life. I am burning up the haunted embers and stepping forward into fresh air.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
swimming home
I know you are praying for the day when you are no longer incapacitated by this awful pain and helplessness. I know you hate to see your family suffer like this. I am upset that I am not nearly as brave as you, because while I have not been able to make peace with this yet, you have. If you, of all people, can make your peace, then surely we should be able to as well. You will be greatly missed, and never forgotten. May you swim peacefully to Heaven soon so you may forget this awful pain, and finally be free.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Ides of March
These allergies are kicking my ass. It's also been a crazy couple of weeks, but I'm done fighting with myself.
I can't get enough of this song. I love these guys.
"Softly, quickly, give in to the sweet persistence. This is only a beginning."
"With one word I'd take this pain from you, but I fall mute."
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Two Points for Honesty
"If that's all you will be,
You'll be a waste of time."
-Guster
I have wasted 29 years of my life, and I'm done being a waste of time. It's time to live, laugh, and let go of the toxic past that has been holding me back for so long. Despite what I've always thought, I DO deserve good things. I deserve to be happy, to feel good, to love and be loved, and to make my own path in life, despite everyone's attempts to have me follow theirs.
"I wanna be where I've never been before."
-Guster
In a way, I am now where I've never been before. Never have I been so honest with somebody, or shown my true self, over and over again, to someone. And the entire time, I have been unsure of where this is going. More unsure now, after last night, but still I am fighting my instincts and I am not running away. I know what will probably happen, which is nothing, but I need to try and fight for what I want in order to break free of my past and go for what I know I deserve. I can't believe I'd feel this way if it is supposed to amount to nothing...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)