changes

April is finally over, so I feel like I can breathe again. I can't wait until I move into my new schedule. There is something brewing inside me - I can tell this is going to be a big year for me.

Now for one of the absolute favorite photos I've ever taken... taken at the Milwaukee County Zoo in 2010, with my good dSLR. <3

April still sucks, after all these years...

The worst memories of my entire life occurred in April, and still each April turns into a sort of mild depression and I get in a really weird emotional state that is just not healthy. This year was no different. I'm glad it's almost over though.

To add to it all, I've had a lot of nightmares the last 2 months replaying very bad memories. And I got in a car accident Saturday (not my fault, but still). And I'm realizing that I am years and years away from the life I wanted and don't think I have the willpower to ever get there. But then I have these amazingly incredible dreams that seem to taunt me, showing me the life I want but will probably never have. Wake me up when *April* ends? sigh.

Words I need to remember if I'm ever going to have the life I want:

"Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them." - David Hume

I am still absolutely baffled about why anyone likes me to any extent right now. It's kind of like a big cosmic joke. But I'm pretty sure the guy that I like has no interest in me, so maybe that is the big joke (that everyone likes me except for him)? I do hope that by some crazy miracle, I might have a chance with him someday and that I don't ruin the chance. We'll see.

I had so many crazy dreams last night, and I honestly don't think I've ever dreamt so much in one night. A few of them were nightmares but the rest were really nice dreams of portions of a life I wish I had.

I went to the Zoo today and I can't tell you how much I love bison! There aren't any at the Milwaukee Zoo. Then I went to the UW Arboretum. I took a lot of photos and walked for a very long time, clearing out my head. I think I am finally back to a "good place" mentally, so we'll see how long that stays with me.

I think there's something in the water...

...seriously! I am still in shock from finding out how many guys like me at the moment. I think they just don't know me well enough to know better. And the entire time, I can't help but wonder if it's obvious who I like. I always feel like it's blatantly obvious, but I'm hoping it's not. And it's probably the one guy who doesn't like me.

I wish I could just get over all my crazy self esteem issues and relationship issues, and just be happy. I am finally starting to feel content and happy, but it's always mixed in with days of pure discontent and self-loathing. I've had enough of that and it's time to turn and aim for something that would truly make and keep me happy. I think I know what I should be turning to, but I'm terrified of the idea so I'm just stuck for now.

I hiked just over 6 miles today at Lake Kegonsa Sate Park in Stoughton, and I saw 2 cranes up close, about 20 deer, a baby chipmunk, and an owl (in broad daylight)!!! I can't tell you how happy that made me feel. It was like God just showered me with what makes me truly happy, and he is also showering me with people who really think they like me, which probably should make me feel better about myself. I wonder if He is trying to tell me to just let go of everything and let myself be happy for once...

I think there's something in the air.

Went snowboarding last weekend with Dao, and I've finally graduated to beginner hills. It was awesome and I am barely falling now!!!

Now that snowboarding season is over, I need to find a new outdoor hobby. I might get back into biking because I really want to go back to Elroy-Sparta this summer and go camping but I would need to get back in shape or I won't make it very far.

Still haven't seen my little nephew (born March 30th), but I'll see him in 1 week, and I get to be his Godmother! :)

It's getting hard to deny that I might like somebody, but being the way I am nothing would ever come of it even if I somehow had a chance. It makes my days interesting though.

My bunny rabbit is growing up so fast... he is already 6 months old and very very smart. It's amazing watching a little being learn new things and grow before your very eyes. I guess this is what it's like to have a kid (he sure acts like a mix of a puppy and a toddler)!

3rd shift is starting to get the best of me; I've worked it before without repercussions but this time I am always waking up or failing to fall asleep. Change should be coming soon...

I went snowboarding again on Tuesday before work... and I can finally stay standing all the way down the hill!!! (well, 95% of the time). I'm still on the bunny hill, but it gives me hope. We are going back up to Wausau this weekend for 2 more days of snowboarding and then the season is over. My knee is turning black and purple though!!

My 2nd nephew was just born about 30 minutes ago... welcome to this world, little Matthew! Can't wait to meet you. :)

push...

LOVE this song :)

I went up to Wausau to go snowboarding on Sunday, and drove back up there today to board again. I love it so much, I just wish I was good at it already. At least I finally found something that makes me happy again :)

"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand." - Mary Shelley

It's taking everything in me not to run. I get so overwhelmed by a sense of not belonging, of not feeling wanted, of not being memorable, of not being good at anything or good for anybody, that sometimes I just need to run. Usually it's in the form of long drives where I seemingly and metaphorically leave my problems behind, and I always come back with a (false?) sense of renewed visions of a better life.

This time I can't explain it. The one thing that took me by surprise and has me holding on for dear life for something I want but will never get... also has me wanting to run back to where I came from, just to get far enough away from here before I can get hurt. I don't know how much longer I can live in such immense fear like this. sigh.

The bad abrasion on my eye is finally healing, my giant bruises from snowboarding on ice are healing, my headaches have less frequency, my insomnia has kicked in again, I keep getting bad colds, my stress has skyrocketed, and I once again am questioning if I am where I should be geographically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, and still don't feel it. People say I'm unique but they don't know just how replaceable I am. Sometimes I wonder, if I would just pack up and leave without a word, if anyone would really notice...

“When remorse awakens guilt, whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard

Love this song :)

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crazy week

I've had the biggest highs and lows this week, but the highs were incredible. Here is me trying to snowboard on ice!

And now I wait to see if I really am a pawn of fate... sigh.

eye don't think so...

I woke up to this...

So after work this morning I went to an eye doctor inside of Target. Thank God it's not pink eye!!! Turns out I have a bad abrasion on my eye, so what do I get? Antibiotic / steroidal eye drops to put in 4 times a day, which is really exciting when you can't stand eye drops. They sting like a *#$(&#%(^ too. :(

Ex-Factor

I've posted this before, but I love this song so much. And today I was talking about my ex with a coworker. This song does not relate to the situation I had with my ex at all, but it made me think of the song title. You should all listen because it's a great song by Lauryn Hill and this girl does an amazing cover!

In other news, I am super happy again. I tried snowboarding, something I've always been obsessed with. I was horrible but loved every minute of it, and ended up buying a board.

And met a hot guy (that I will probably never see again because of my incredible shyness and need to run away from all situations like that... sigh).

And love watching my 5-month old bunny rabbit learn new things and find his own strength, and follow me around my apartment.

And I love finally living on my own.

And I am slowly slowly starting to find myself, once and for all. I'm sure this feeling will go away in a few days, but until then I'm riding on this incredible high. :)

look what I got...

A brand new shiny snowboard!!!

miscellaneous

It's sad to know that I haven't even started on any of my New Year's resolutions from my last post. Oh well, I have 10 more months to go.

I was supposed to go snowboarding for the first time today, but the sleet storm ruined my moment. :( Hopefully next weekend will redeem itself.

I went to sleep for a 4-hour nap Saturday morning, and ended up sleeping for 20 hours straight. oops! I sure as hell needed it though. Now I'm all amped up at 6am with nothing to do.