April still sucks, after all these years...

The worst memories of my entire life occurred in April, and still each April turns into a sort of mild depression and I get in a really weird emotional state that is just not healthy. This year was no different. I'm glad it's almost over though.

To add to it all, I've had a lot of nightmares the last 2 months replaying very bad memories. And I got in a car accident Saturday (not my fault, but still). And I'm realizing that I am years and years away from the life I wanted and don't think I have the willpower to ever get there. But then I have these amazingly incredible dreams that seem to taunt me, showing me the life I want but will probably never have. Wake me up when *April* ends? sigh.

Words I need to remember if I'm ever going to have the life I want:

"Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them." - David Hume

I am still absolutely baffled about why anyone likes me to any extent right now. It's kind of like a big cosmic joke. But I'm pretty sure the guy that I like has no interest in me, so maybe that is the big joke (that everyone likes me except for him)? I do hope that by some crazy miracle, I might have a chance with him someday and that I don't ruin the chance. We'll see.

I had so many crazy dreams last night, and I honestly don't think I've ever dreamt so much in one night. A few of them were nightmares but the rest were really nice dreams of portions of a life I wish I had.

I went to the Zoo today and I can't tell you how much I love bison! There aren't any at the Milwaukee Zoo. Then I went to the UW Arboretum. I took a lot of photos and walked for a very long time, clearing out my head. I think I am finally back to a "good place" mentally, so we'll see how long that stays with me.

I think there's something in the water...

...seriously! I am still in shock from finding out how many guys like me at the moment. I think they just don't know me well enough to know better. And the entire time, I can't help but wonder if it's obvious who I like. I always feel like it's blatantly obvious, but I'm hoping it's not. And it's probably the one guy who doesn't like me.

I wish I could just get over all my crazy self esteem issues and relationship issues, and just be happy. I am finally starting to feel content and happy, but it's always mixed in with days of pure discontent and self-loathing. I've had enough of that and it's time to turn and aim for something that would truly make and keep me happy. I think I know what I should be turning to, but I'm terrified of the idea so I'm just stuck for now.

I hiked just over 6 miles today at Lake Kegonsa Sate Park in Stoughton, and I saw 2 cranes up close, about 20 deer, a baby chipmunk, and an owl (in broad daylight)!!! I can't tell you how happy that made me feel. It was like God just showered me with what makes me truly happy, and he is also showering me with people who really think they like me, which probably should make me feel better about myself. I wonder if He is trying to tell me to just let go of everything and let myself be happy for once...

I think there's something in the air.

Went snowboarding last weekend with Dao, and I've finally graduated to beginner hills. It was awesome and I am barely falling now!!!

Now that snowboarding season is over, I need to find a new outdoor hobby. I might get back into biking because I really want to go back to Elroy-Sparta this summer and go camping but I would need to get back in shape or I won't make it very far.

Still haven't seen my little nephew (born March 30th), but I'll see him in 1 week, and I get to be his Godmother! :)

It's getting hard to deny that I might like somebody, but being the way I am nothing would ever come of it even if I somehow had a chance. It makes my days interesting though.

My bunny rabbit is growing up so fast... he is already 6 months old and very very smart. It's amazing watching a little being learn new things and grow before your very eyes. I guess this is what it's like to have a kid (he sure acts like a mix of a puppy and a toddler)!

3rd shift is starting to get the best of me; I've worked it before without repercussions but this time I am always waking up or failing to fall asleep. Change should be coming soon...