I went snowboarding again on Tuesday before work... and I can finally stay standing all the way down the hill!!! (well, 95% of the time). I'm still on the bunny hill, but it gives me hope. We are going back up to Wausau this weekend for 2 more days of snowboarding and then the season is over. My knee is turning black and purple though!!

My 2nd nephew was just born about 30 minutes ago... welcome to this world, little Matthew! Can't wait to meet you. :)

push...

LOVE this song :)

I went up to Wausau to go snowboarding on Sunday, and drove back up there today to board again. I love it so much, I just wish I was good at it already. At least I finally found something that makes me happy again :)

"There is something at work in my soul which I do not understand." - Mary Shelley

It's taking everything in me not to run. I get so overwhelmed by a sense of not belonging, of not feeling wanted, of not being memorable, of not being good at anything or good for anybody, that sometimes I just need to run. Usually it's in the form of long drives where I seemingly and metaphorically leave my problems behind, and I always come back with a (false?) sense of renewed visions of a better life.

This time I can't explain it. The one thing that took me by surprise and has me holding on for dear life for something I want but will never get... also has me wanting to run back to where I came from, just to get far enough away from here before I can get hurt. I don't know how much longer I can live in such immense fear like this. sigh.

The bad abrasion on my eye is finally healing, my giant bruises from snowboarding on ice are healing, my headaches have less frequency, my insomnia has kicked in again, I keep getting bad colds, my stress has skyrocketed, and I once again am questioning if I am where I should be geographically, spiritually, and emotionally. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, and still don't feel it. People say I'm unique but they don't know just how replaceable I am. Sometimes I wonder, if I would just pack up and leave without a word, if anyone would really notice...

“When remorse awakens guilt, whether it be in one’s youth,

Or in the twilight of one’s life,

It does so always at the eleventh hour.”

from Provocations, by Soren Kierkegaard

Love this song :)

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crazy week

I've had the biggest highs and lows this week, but the highs were incredible. Here is me trying to snowboard on ice!

And now I wait to see if I really am a pawn of fate... sigh.

eye don't think so...

I woke up to this...

So after work this morning I went to an eye doctor inside of Target. Thank God it's not pink eye!!! Turns out I have a bad abrasion on my eye, so what do I get? Antibiotic / steroidal eye drops to put in 4 times a day, which is really exciting when you can't stand eye drops. They sting like a *#$(&#%(^ too. :(

Ex-Factor

I've posted this before, but I love this song so much. And today I was talking about my ex with a coworker. This song does not relate to the situation I had with my ex at all, but it made me think of the song title. You should all listen because it's a great song by Lauryn Hill and this girl does an amazing cover!

In other news, I am super happy again. I tried snowboarding, something I've always been obsessed with. I was horrible but loved every minute of it, and ended up buying a board.

And met a hot guy (that I will probably never see again because of my incredible shyness and need to run away from all situations like that... sigh).

And love watching my 5-month old bunny rabbit learn new things and find his own strength, and follow me around my apartment.

And I love finally living on my own.

And I am slowly slowly starting to find myself, once and for all. I'm sure this feeling will go away in a few days, but until then I'm riding on this incredible high. :)

look what I got...

A brand new shiny snowboard!!!