fire and water

It's amazing how much a smile can change your temperament. I've been on a downward spiral for roughly 2 years, and occasional upward moments seem to blind me of the full duration. This weekend, at least, was one of those great upward moments. My nephew really is the fire in my life, and it's hard that he lives about 350 miles away.



"She screams for more--
More than just some blue-eyed metaphor.
And the trouble is,
The trouble is she's always searching..."
-Thriving Ivory, "Hey Lady"

take me away...

I had a horrible panic attack yesterday, then actually woke up in the middle of the night from a vicious nightmare, and then had another panic attack on the way to work (thanks to a spider that took up residence in my car!!!) And now, am having yet another panic attack. If I can just get through tomorrow, I can finally rest. But it may not go so well...



"A dying scream makes no sound
Calling out to all that I've ever known
Here am I lost and found, calling out to all...

We live a dying dream
If you know what I mean,
And all that I've ever known--
It's all that I've ever known.

Catch the wheel that breaks the butterfly,
I cry the rain that fills the ocean wide,
I tried to talk with God to no avail:
I call him up in and out of nowhere--
Said if you won't save me please don't waste my time."
-Oasis, "Falling Down"

getting nowhere

I can't stop thinking about something great that almost happened 2 years ago, and just how drastically different my life would be now. It was the best, and the worst, year of my life. But the worst sort of took over, and I've been stalled ever since. And now it seems almost everyone has completely passed me by, and I don't think I even care anymore.



"Eager to please--
Trying to be what they need,
But I'm so very tired;
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires.

But if you keep real close,
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you.

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill,
Shut down to a whisper--
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me still?"
-A Fine Frenzy, "Whisper"