Letting Go

"I won't be made a fool of; don't call this love."  -Christina Perri


For about the last 5 years, I have been dealing with the guilt of hurting my ex-boyfriend as much as I did when I broke up with him.  I obviously wasn't trying to hurt him, but in the end I did what I had to do.  I know that I broke him, but what I didn't plan on was inadvertently breaking myself as well.  (I'm sure he's fine and moved on by now, or at least he better be!)  Never in my life have I knowingly hurt someone so severely, and to be reminded of that on a daily basis, for weeks afterward, was awful.  I got over him very quickly, and he was still a good person, but for some reason I was never able to fully let go of everything, simply because I still felt all this guilt weighing me down.  I have nightmares once in awhile where he is hunting me down to kill me, I used to have that dream every night for several months after I broke up with him.  And in recent months, I have been "seeing" him everywhere, even though it's not really him.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of it, and FINALLY had my closure about it today, sitting on a hidden bench, in my favorite secret spot, at the Arboretum.

We can hurt people on purpose, and we can hurt them by circumstances or choice.  I chose happiness, which meant no longer being with him.  And that also meant that I had to hurt him in the process of my own personal growth.  Somehow I felt like a selfish bitch for choosing my own happiness over his, and somehow it took me nearly 5 years to realize that I have nothing to feel guilty about now.  One of my issues with relationships (friendships and intimate relationships) is that I am always terrified of hurting the person, since I seem to have done that a lot in the past.  And after seeing the effects of me actually breaking my ex, I became extremely reserved with everyone I met after that, and even with people I was already friends with.  I didn't want another boyfriend, because "I would just hurt him, too."  But a person can only be so happy living alone, hiking alone, eating alone, shopping alone, watching movies alone, cuddling alone (meaning cuddling a giant harbor seal instead of a great guy's protective arms), etc.  I want more, and I'm tired of holding myself back simply because I've come to believe I'm the worst person in the world for what I did.  It happens, and at least I broke up with him the best way I knew how.  I am finally letting go, and it feels fantastic.

Sing in Silence

"You gotta chase the monkey off your back..."

Well I am trying.  It's been a weird few months.  It's time for change.