My birthday this year left me melancholy, and there are good reasons for it, but I just didn't think I'd still feel like this. I feel hollow, apathetic, unlovable, broken, unimportant. Then again, haven't I always felt like that?
Today I bought 3 kids books at Barnes n Noble. I was looking for a good book for my nephew, and instead bought 3 for me. Well, for my kids... if I ever have any. And those who know how I am with guys know that I will probably never have kids. I'm sick of my relatives asking when I'm going to get married "like everyone else is." It's not a disease, and quite frankly I've only ever been comfortable when I'm single. Lord knows I have too many love/trust/guy issues to even be in a relationship anyway. So why am I buying books for kids I'll likely not birth?
The last 2 months, all I can think about is disappearing. Don't worry, I'm not going to run away or anything; I've just had these overwhelming thoughts about leaving, going to a big city somewhere far away. I've even looked up some cities: Minneapolis, Portland, Atlanta, Lansing, Indianapolis, NYC, Seattle. I secretly wish that I could just slip away in the middle of the night, without telling anyone, and just start over. I've never felt so stuck, and there has been no solace for that. But I know that every city ends up being the same, all people the same, and I do have a sorry excuse for a life slowly developing here. So maybe when I'm done with school, one day I will finally run away. I need to find peace somewhere. sigh.
